Mismatched Libidos

I have been with my DBF for 10 years. The first couple of years were fine but I started on BCP's and started experiencing LL (or as I would call it now a lack of libido). I've never been HL but I at least enjoyed sex back then. Then I started having pain during sex and since then things have gone straight down hill. I've been to numerous doctors and tried numerous treatments and have had no luck whatsoever. I'm going to a sexual health doctor right now and working with a physical therapist to see if that will help my pain. But DBF wants to be intimate at least 1 to 2 times a week. Me, I could care less about sex honestly. I have no drive or desire left anymore and I'm only 30. It's very frustrating and a huge issue for our relationship. My question is how do you all with mismatched libidos compromise?

I have a non-compromise suggestion first: Have you tried getting off the birth-control pills and using a different method of BC?

Most people on this board who have found ways to compromise have used one of two types. The first is to find a sexual frequency between the two partners' preferences. For example, if one partner wants sex every day (7 times a week) and the other wants it only once a week, then having sex 4 times a week means the HL sacrifices by having sex 3 fewer times a week and the LL sacrifices by having sex 3 more times a week. The compromises aren't always even (e.g., 3 for 3).

Others talk about trading weeks in which each partner gets to determine the frequency of sex. For example, based on the desires of each partner, they may have sex every day for one week and only once the following week.

I, personally, would prefer the latter approach because it might let each get to control not only frequency but also style, intensity, positions, location, props, clothing, etc. Some HL's are not only frustrated about a lack of frequency, but a lack of other qualities they prefer, including variety. The latter type of compromise might resolve that issue as well.

<<I, personally, would prefer the latter approach because it might let each get to control not only frequency but also style, intensity, positions, location, props, clothing, etc.>>

While fair and ingenious in theory, I think this whole-hog "your week, my week" approach would be overwhelming (during the HL weeks) to most LLs. It's sort of like asking an urbane type like Fran Lebowitz to spend a week hiking the Rockies with only gorp for food, or asking a die-hard nature lover to spend a week in smoky bars.

F.

Response to a similar query, by Dan Savage:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=680268

He makes it (compromise) sounds so easy!