Here is the third incarnation of tomatoman's classic post. First incarnation was thread 5782.1 from July 2004. Second is copied below.
title: My Top 10 ways to identify a LL Partner
message #: 6147.1
from: tomatoman
date: 11/26/2004 10:56 pm
Again.
Hmph. Can't even reply to my own post. Loverly. Just to give background:
This post evolved from someone who was thinking of getting married and wanted to know how to avoid some of the heartache she witnessed on this board. She was a virgin and intended to stay one until she was married. Quite a challenge, to say the least! But there *are* read flags a person might be able to identify. Some require a form of sex, but many do not. Some may find the list helpful. Some may not. And for too many, it might be too late to matter, anyway.
Finally, each of the items on this list can be (and has been) critically dissected. Just because a person has one or two of these characteristics does not necessarily mean they are Low Libido (LL). There are legitmate nonlibido-related reasons for each. But taken in aggregate, having several of these can be a warning someone might chose to heed before making a longterm committment. In anycase, they would be worth discussing with any perspective partner before deepening the relationship. Yes, these ARE generalizations. Approach and apply with caution. YMMV and other disclaimers apply.
Here's my TOP 10 ways to identify a LL person...
First off, the odds of landing a LL guy or a guy who will have a substantial low libido problem at some point in your relationship is about 20%, which is way higher than most folks think. This is based on some of the research I've read. Sorry I don't have the citations, but check the Journal of Marital and Family Counselling for starters.
FYI, the odds of landing a similarly LL wife (or one that will turn out LL) for the guys is 60% based on the same research. Give or take 5%.
While predicting who is and who isn't going to be LL is difficult, I have seen some common themes from being on this board for 4+ years. A Low Libido (LL) person typically:
1. Has no time or inclination towards sexual topics, items or subjects. This could be porn, lingerie, certain T.V. shows, books, pictures, etc. It does nothing for them, or precious little. If this is true for your guy, beware. Double beware if they are turned-off and disgusted by any or all of the above. Porn is controversial, but guys are generally more accepting and responsive.
2. Has no sexual fantasies. This is huge and consistent. Most of us, when we ask our LL spouses what their sexual fantasies are, they report that they don't really have any. Or have very few or something very tame, like sex in a water bed or something. Not all fantasies have to come true but sexually healthy people do have fantasies and have them on a regular basis. They don't have to work on thinking about sex. To a high libido person, thinking and fantasizing are as natural as gravity.
3. Thinking, talking and having sex is a chore. Generally, LL folks lose energy when they have to relate on a sexual level, and they tire of it easily and quickly. HL generally gain energy as the level of sexual tension increases. Sex increases the well-being of people with high sexual thresholds, and not having sex bothers and hurts them on many, many levels. Sexual pressure tends to have the opposite effect on LL individuals, who will experience and express great anxiety and distress dealing with sexual matters.
4. Low libido people are generally easily and quickly satiated. Read an article below concerning LL from a sensory integration framework for more detail. In a nutshell, after having sex, the LL person will be satisfied for a longer period of time. They get irritated in a major way if they just finish having sex (meaning it was just an hour, a day, a week or even a month ago) and their partner tries to intiate again too soon. For HL folks, the more they have, the more they seem to want. The LL individual may regard having sexual contact again as overkill and may even be turned off.
5. The LL person will generally have more boundries and limitations on sexual practices. There are a slew of us on here who have partners who refuse to have oral sex with us. Some are okay with giving and more are okay with recieving, but it is almost universal that our LL partners will have some aversion to oral sex in some way. Or in any way, as in the case with my DW. The absence of variety and kinkiness may relate to the dearth of a fantasy life for LL people. 69ing is not a regular component of the menu for any of us HL CL folks. Most people have boundries, but the sexual space of low libido individuls tends to be more limited as they tend to have more narrow zones of comfort.
6. Kissing. There are a bunch of us who have partners who refuse to give us open-mouthed or long, deep, passionate kisses. If your virgin fiance isn't looking for your tonsils (in apparent sexual frustration) I'd be concerned. But that's just me. For some, this relates again to a narrow comfort zone and the seeming insatiable demand for intimacy from a HL partner. Kissing is a physical and deeply intimate expression that could be analogous to sexual style and preference.
7. Initiating. This is also a sore spot, as most HL people on this board complain that if they don't intiate, nothing is going to happen. Or they have given up, simply because they have been turned down so often. The LL partner generally intiates on an infrequent basis, if at all.
8. Talking about sex is different. The LL partner generally talks about "giving it up" or "giving the person sex" or "giving in", and refers to the other partner as the one "getting it" as in "I just gave you some (last month), and I can't believe you are interested in getting it again!" While the HL person may use similar language, such as "Pleeeze?! Can I pleeeeze have a little somethin'?" they are more likely to refer to it as a shared experience. The HL partner's fantasy includes being with someone who truly enjoys being with them, finds them sexually exciting really, really wants to jump their bones and responds with lust, desire and passion. All of these components indicate a more shared experience from the HL standpoint. Our partners frequently view it from the standpoint of enduring it and wanting to get it over with.
9. Sex is not worth the effort. Often there are many obstacles to having sex, including work, schedules, physical stress, children, intramarital tensions and other factors that make sex a goal that seems far away. For the LL person, there is a very finite amount of energy that should be expended towards sex. If there are conflicts or obstacles, sex quickly gets put on the back burner. Circumstances sometimes warrant this, but the HL partner will almost always find ways of overcoming or working around these obstacles. The LL person will allow circumstances control and ultimately crowd out time, energy or thoughts of sex. They are often too tired for sex. The HL is more often too tired of NOT having sex!
10. Hostility towards discussing the topic. Generally, the LL folks regard having to discuss the clashing libido issue as pressure, which leads to #9. They will generally avoid the subject and definitely avoid discussing the problem or deny that there is one at all. Included in this is shifting responsibility back to the other partner. The problem should be a *shared* concern, not just a matter of fixing one person or the other. Chances are, both partners have contributed and both need to be involved in mending the relationship. However, the LL partner's refusal to even discuss the topic (see #1) makes resolving any issues or problems almost impossible and the problem simply becomes more aggrevated and vexing.
One more disclaimer - this is not to imply that having a low libido is wrong even if society deems it so. We're a highly sexed culture. If a person is LL, it would seem reasonable that they would conciously seek out those who are similarly compatible rather than inviting longterm and devastating conflict. However, consider Items #1 and #10 especially and carefully. Not having a sex drive doesn't have to be a problem to matched couples. Hiding and evading discussions of the topic ARE serious problems that indicate other, deeper problems. So this list (while certainly not exhaustive) might be useful to them as well as to HL folks looking to avoid longterm conflict and pain IF they take the time to discuss some of these issues. -- T-man
Love 
