Codependents & Love Addicts

Well, I'm ending my friendship with Melanie and hopefully for good.

And I've been a lot more assertive with my mom, so now, I'm finally getting the confidence to stand up for myself and just move on with my life. I'm just SO done with toxic, codependent relationships. I cried so hard today, to try to let go and now I've got a huge resentment that I need to deal with.

That girl has meddled in my life for way too long. She interfered one too many times in my friendships with men. And she's caused a lot of problems for me, too. I've had nothing but drama in my life ever since I started getting close to her.

It's cost me money, time, my self esteem and my health to know people like her.

All because I can't say No when I don't have the energy, the funds or the good health to keep up with her.

And it's amazing how much she's so much like my mom. She treats her kids exactly the way that I was treated when I was growing up. She's mean, she's uptight and she makes a big fuss with everybody, everywhere we go.

I have to go over there sometime soon to drop off the rest of the money from the check I cashed for her. And THAT'S when I'm going to say good bye and lay it on the line.

I've done a lot of good for her and the people I know. But I'm always the one who has to pay such a heavy price for not being true to myself.

My health has been so bad that it's forced me to just rest today. I literally can't do anything but take care of my son. I'm in so much pain just from moving around that it's making me nuts!

Sorry this was so negative, but I really needed someone to talk to today. The people in my life aren't supportive and just aren't good for me, so I just prayed and took it all to God.

It helped me realize how LUCKY I've been, in spite of all my failed endeavors and not "getting my way" in life. I'm very lucky to be alive since that accident!

I cried a lot today, but I feel really strong now. And I feel like I FINALLY have the courage to stop worrying about what everybody thinks and trying to make everybody happy all the time.

And I am NOT responsible for somenoe else's feelings. If someone's having a bad day and wants to take it out on me, they're going to have to find another whipping post. This whipping post has a new back bone now.

It was a hard lesson to learn, and I've avoided this for SO long. All because I can't stand it when people are mad at me.

Now everybody's mad at me today, because I wasn't at their beck and call, just this once.

But it's about time I start thinking of what I need and what my son needs. My health, my finances, my time and my self esteem are FAR more important that what someone thinks of me.

The truth of that is that I have NO control over what someone thinks of me. And with codependency, if someone has to look down on me for nothing I ever did or because I'm "not like them," then it's not even about me at all!

Okay, I'm done griping. So what, right? NOW what am I going to do about it??

Now what am I going to do to make the most of today? Now what am I going to do to make the most of my life and figure out a solution to all these problems I've got right now?

And even though it cost me everything, I KNOW I did the right thing by having my little boy. He's the biggest blessing I've ever had in my life, because of all that he's taught me about myself. I'm a much, much better person now, because of him and having him has been the most unselfish thing I've ever done.

I just need to stop crying right now and start cleaning the house and just get busy and make some dinner for my boy. When I'm really upset, cleaning the house is the best thing I can do to let go of my frustrations.

My mom can't stand Melanie and she said that it's a BLESSING that she's mad at me. I couldn't watch her kids today, but I didn't even know she needed help, because she didn't tell me on the voice mail. I think she just set me up, to have someone to blame for all her problems.

Plus, she's mad because I went out with a guy that she doesn't approve of. But that's HER problem. SHE can deal with her own negativity, because it's not in my job description to keep trying to make her feel better about her life.

Thanks for listening, everybody. I really just needed to vent right now and I posted in hopes that others can relate to stuff like this. It would be really nice to hear stories of people who overcame stuff like this, because it would sure inspire me to have hope that there's a life BEYOND codependency.

Take care everyone and have a Happy Halloween :)!

Hugs,

SK

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Well, I backed down after some seriously dramatic conversation :(.

Melanie called yesterday and I was really mad and mean to her. I told her to stop calling, but she kept calling.

Then she came over and I just really told her off, but she JUST didn't get it! I raised my voice several times and told her about all the grievances I had for her.

She said that she never meant to bring me down or to criticize me for anything. She said she's only trying to help. That seems to be the motivation behind everbody who tries to change someone else. So I guess if the motivation is truly love, and not control, it can't be all that bad.

She kept saying things that finally got to my heart and I realized how much I do love her as a friend. When the anger passed, I just broke down. Then we just hugged and cried in each other's arms.

We're staying friends, but things are going to be completely different. She said she's only kidding when she calls me a dork, lol. And she said that she does all this stuff, because she loves us and because our kids love each other, too.

I told her I just needed some space and that I had to go it alone for awhile. And just keep to myself and try to live all the stuff down that's been happening around here.

And it looks like we should just move, because there's just too much drama going on around here. That guy Rob won't leave me alone.

I spent Friday with him and that's why Melanie was so mad at me, aside from the babysitting. She thinks he's a really negative influence and that I'm just too good for him. She's got a very low opinion of him, because he's struggling to stay sober and he doesn't take his meds.

Plus, he's 13 years younger than me and doesn't have his life together. He lost his job last year and lives with his 3 year old son and his parents. He doesn't have UI either, because he quit his job. So he just mooches off his folks. I really like him as a person, but my MO is feeling sorry for men who are going through a bad time.

All he did was come to my door and let me know that my car lights were on. I was making pizza and was lonely, but it a great mood, so I invited him in to eat with us.

Then he wanted to take us out Saturday and I just couldn't do it, because Melanie JUST does not want us together. Neither does my mom. My mom said that she's about ready to call the police.

My mom was really proud of me for trying to end it with Melanie, but she was disappointed when we made up.

To cheer ourselves up, Melanie took us out for Chinese and we had a great time checking out dating sites later on :).

And she did say that I'm a great person and the sweetest person she's ever known. And that I AM good enough to find a great guy :). She said I'm really pretty and smart, but that I just need to focus on being a mom and writing these books.

She and my mom want me to find the kind of guy that I really want. And Melanie thinks I can do it now, but my mom thinks I need to be super skinny first.

I really need to let go of the idea that I need to be a size 4 to be loved. It just seems like rich guys on Match all want that and I can look like a movie star if I did lose the weight.

And I keep staying at the same weight, because everybody's always inviting us out to eat. I've been driving out all over the place and eating restaurant food a lot. And it's really making my stomach sick, too, to be eating all my favorite food so much. At least I'm not gaining any weight.

I'm not well enough to exercise yet and I'm going to have to go through physical therapy again, before I can really enjoy a good workout. All I can do for now is just walk and go on the bike.

I really hope I get my insurance back, because it's been pretty miserable not to be even able to get another chest x ray. The doctor thinks half of my problem is stress, but he's trying to urge me to fake it 'til I make it and be a trooper and not let this accident get me down or hold me back. He knows I can't afford to pay for any testing, too, so he doesn't order anything for me.

It's really hard to deal with a torn stomach muscle, messed up ribs and IBS. I never realized how much we use our ab muscles to get around.

But it really helps to write about everything :). I really wish that I could get more support from the people in my life, but I'm finding out that I really don't need it anymore.

We're going to focus on our own lives in the days and weeks to come :). I'm going back to dieting and will do light workouts at the gym again. And focus on being a mom and taking Keither to school :). And doing my own grocery shopping and just being out and about again, having fun :).

I really do have a nice life, if we just keep to ourselves and get our own stuff done first. We have nice, relaxing mornings with pancake breakfasts, we're enjoying the weather her in NE OH, and we've got enough money to live fairly well, too. As long as we're true to ourselves.

And I really don't need friends or relationships right now. I really need to focus on getting my self esteem from within. The best way I know to do that is to take care of myself and get my stuff done.

So all's well that ends well :). I'll probably just see Melanie like once a week. She said that if I'm too tired or sore to hang out with her, to just tell her. And she said that she won't tease me anymore, lol.

My mom said that Keith and I just need to focus on our own stuff for awhile. So did my acupuncturist. And THEN the healthy relationships will come :).

The people at the playground think the world of us, too :). So do the people at school and so do our doctors :).

The only people who don't like us are the catty party girls next door. But that's way more about them than us.

But it's pretty amazing how much people can just desert me when times are difficult. Those kinds of people just aren't even my friends to begin with. If they're so worried about us "infecting" them with our bad karma, than we really don't need them around.

Deep down inside, I know I'm not doomed. And I know I have a future. I just need to focus on loving myself and this whole situation is more of a blessing than a curse.

Michael Jackson thought everybody hated him, but look at how much people LOVED him :). The only people that hated him were really negative people who didn't think much of anybody.

From now on, I'm letting go of my fear of being judged. There's absolutely nothing I can do if someone doesn't like me. And it's not always my fault either.

I need to focus all the really WONDERFUL people I know who DO think I'm a neat person :). But more so, I need to focus on the GOOD in myself and all that I do for others in my life :). Compassion is truly a gift if it's used correctly and the proper boundaries are set :).

I hope everybody takes good care and has a great week :). CHRISTMAS IS COMING and it's the happiest time of year for us :).

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, no matter what :).

Hugs,

SK

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Well, it's been all about action today :). It's sure making me feel a lot better though :).

My unemployment runs out next week. I'll have enough to pay the bills for November, but only enough for the rent next month. I already paid this month's rent.

I thought they were going to extend it, but that just may not happen on time, most likely.

So I got on Careerbuilder and found out that someone took my resume off. I wonder if that recruiter guy I was talking to had the power to do that.

As soon as I posted it back on and applied to a couple of jobs, I got a phonecall that will hopefully lead to an interview.

The job is only 15 minutes away and it sounds like it's right up my alley :). It sounds like an extension of what I've already done, so it sounds like I'll have some great experience.

But I just don't know about that field anymore. I need some GOOD references, not my old bosses, because I think they might've said some bad stuff about me to the last guy I went to see for an interview.

I found out they said that I couldn't get along with people to the disability people, because the field was too stressful for me. They didn't understand my situation at all! It was always one person who would start making up stuff about me to run me out of there.

And I'm just afraid of that happening all over again.

For this latest job, I have to be there at 6:30 am!! So I don't know how that's going to work out. I don't feel good if I get up any earlier than 6. 5:30 am is too early for me, because that's when I do the most dreaming.

So I don't know. I'm really having a hard time feeling like I can handle this situation now. I was in so much pain this morning that I just had to rest for an hour before I could do anything.

I guess no matter how bad the situation is, there's always a solution. And there's always something to be grateful for, like Toni said.

Guys, I've got NO idea of how this is going to turn out. I just keep doing what's in front of me and just leaving the rest up to God. It's all I can do, aside from trying not to worry.

And sometimes,  good cry really helps, like when I feel TOTALLY powerless. Just this past weekend, I've been getting really depressed about my life. The only thing I seem to be decent at is being a mom.

Melanie and I are back on track again and she's treating me a lot better now :). But I know that my mom is going to try to interfere.

Sylvia is mad at Melanie and had the same grievances about her that just about everybody around here does. And she let her know about it yesterday.

So those two are just going to lay low and take a break from each other. I don't mind seeing her on the weekends, but that's about all I have energy for these days.

My mom said to just gradually phase her out. If I get a really good job, I'll probably lose her friendship. Just like how I lost so many friends in GA.

I had a chance to interview in Philadelphia, but I told the guy I couldn't do it, because my son needs his nana. And he said that I was really making the right choice, but if the situation changes, he said to give him a call. He was really nice :).

This girl I talked to today was pretty cool, too :). I've got some pretty good experience a good resume, but it's just all that political stuff that I worry about.

I've got this fear of managers now. And all these issues with my mom and Melanie. I really and truly need to do the spiirtual work on myself, to let go of these ideas. I need to write them down, so I think I'll do a lot of writing tonight.

My mom is coming over for dinner, so I just put a roast in the crockpot. It looks dark outside and it's really cold. I love this time of year, so that's something positive to focus on :).

Anyway, I'm not upset anymore. Just maybe for that guy, but I think he'll leave us alone now :). He saw Melanie come and chew me out for talking to him again. And he saw me leave with her. He knows she doesn't want me associating with him.

Yesterday, he walked by as I was getting us out the door to go to school. We waited for him to pass before we went out the door.

He really needs to stop walking around this complex and start going to the park to walk. Because he's freaking people out. I hope someone calls the landlord on him.

I'm a little afraid of him, because of what he might do if he's in a drunken stupor. I know he's mad at me for rejecting him a second time. He didn't take it very well when I broke the date with him.

But I really hope the best for him. I just wish he would start taking his cymbalta, because he really seems keyed up without it. He said that walking helps him let go of the anxiety. But he still has this creepy way about him that Keither especially doesn't like.

He's got a lot of potential, but he's not focused on finding a job. He's got no money of his own and really needs to do something about it, in my opinion. I've never had fun if I didn't have my own money.

We're probably going to have to move, because I just don't like how he's always watching where we're going and checking to see if my car's around. I'm even a little afraid to take out the garbage, because it's right where he can see me.

And I'm scared he's going to knock on our door again. I can't answer the door this time and it's going to freak me out quite a bit.

Melanie just has a bad feeling about him. But I think he could be just fine if he didn't sneak drinks and if he took his medicine.

Well, that's the life of SK for now. I think a good job will change everything for us :). So please keep us in your prayers :).

Hugs,

SK

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one day at a time...

:)

it's great to read what you are dealing with as I can relate. I'll post more tonight when i have time... getting it out is theraputic.

thanks,

Loonybunny

Thanks for the support, Loony Bunny :),

It just feels like my whole life is going to change, but it's going in a direction that I've really not wanted. It feels like I'll be headed into a world full of discipline and authority, although I hope that it doesn't end up being harsh.

It's probably better this way, though, because I'm not the world's most motivated person. I've had all these obstacles in my path, so it's been really hard to get focused.

The accident really held me back, but today I'm starting to feel better. At least I'll get my insurance back, so I can get an MRI on my back and go back to physical therapy for awhile.

If I can get the insurance back asap, I can get the ball rolling and take care of these injuries before I go back to work. I have the month of November to take care of this.

So today, I'm going to see about getting it back.

But now, my mom is pressuring me to find a job in science or an office job asap. Because she doesn't want to be paying our bills in December.

Hopefully, disability will decide if we're qualified soon. I'm just praying for that.

I was pretty happy working, as long as I didn't pay attention to all the politics, pettiness and gossip. That's what scares me about working again.

The other thing that scares me is my health, because I really don't think I'm physically able to be on my feet all day. I'm really worried that I'm going to be in a lot of pain.

And I'm worried that I'm going to end up bitter and angry, and that's what hurts the most. I've just been through way too much to be able to bounce back as well as I usually do. And it's breaking my heart :(. I really hope that I don't lose my compassion for people or my Sweetness.

Well, I'd better get started on another busy day. Once I'm in the car, I'll feel a lot better :). And maybe I'll go buy a few things to cheer myself up :).

Hugs,

SK

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