Problem Solving for Couples

Hi.  I have come to these boards before, wishfully thinking that maybe someone is a mind reader and could figure out my problems for me.  I know that is not possible and ultimately noone can figure out my issues but me, but I am still hoping that maybe there is someone out there that has gone through similiar emotions and might be able to offer some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend off and on for almost 7 years, because I cannot commit to him.  He is a kind and honest man, the kind of person that everyone likes and respects.  We also have a 3 year old child together, and he is the best father anyone could ever ask for.  The problem is that beginning about 5 years ago, I became very confused by the conflicted thoughts and feelings I had towards him and our relationship.  I started to be less attracted.  I hate to use this phrase, but I was afraid I loved him, but wasn't "in love" with him.  Meaning, I cared about him and he is my best friend, but I didn't feel romantic love for him, didn't really care to be intimate with him.

The cycle goes like this - we get back together, everything is great, but only for a short period of time.  Suddenly everything he does starts to annoy me; I don't feel attracted to him.  I can't even stand to be in the same bed with him; our sex lives become practically non-existent, and we end up separating or going through this 'in limbo" period like we are now - not knowing what to do. 

When we are apart, I begin to feel terribly guilty for treating such a wonderful person who loves me more than anything like that, and I think I've made a big mistake.  I begin to miss him and think I should try to make it work, especially because of our daughter.  I think if I just try harder, to focus on the many positive things about him we will work, but it just goes back to the same old thing.  I start getting the same feelings and feel unsure about everything.  It's almost as if I love him, but I can't live with him.  Sometimes I think about buying a house with him, and it makes me depressed that I would have to give up living alone in my condo.  How ridiculous is that? How selfish am I?

I can't do this to him anymore.  I need to make a decision to either stay or go, but I am literally stuck on the fence.  I feel that either way I am not doing the right thing.  I could stay and try to ignore that I am not always that attracted to him, and maybe prevent him from meeting somene who truly loves everything about him; or I could let the only man who has ever truly loved me walk away and realize later on down the road that I did really love him.

I do tend to get depressed a lot and suffer from anxiety.  But I tend to feel more depressed when we are together.  I get very lonely when we are apart, but less anxious.  I just can't understand why God would put some a lovely person in my life if I wasn't supposed to be with him.  Am I just crazy? afraid to commit? or is there something just missing that is a very important part of a relationship - the attraction and chemistry?  thank you so much for any advice.

It's hard to really say. Have you every gone to see a therapist? It's possible there is a very real issue underlying all this that won't make sense until you work through it. That issue could keep you holding onto him when you should let go, or it might be the thing keeping you from staying with him when it is a good relationship.

Which do you think it is? If you could imagine yourself 2 years down the road. Your child is starting school, you're two years older, your career has progressed two more years... try to imagine what it'd be like if you were in that place now doing the things you'd expect to be doing in 2 years, right down to the nitty gritty of getting your child ready in the morning, not being able to believe how big your child has grown, walking out the door and heading to school to drop him off. Now think, are you with your child's father living in a house or alone in your condo? If you try to imagine both scenarios, with him and without, which one feels more right?

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.

Thank you so much for your replies.  No, I haven't posted to this particular board before.  But I'm afraid reading any older posts of mine would not prove helpful anyway, as they would most likely read exactly the same.  That's how stuck I have been in the same place.

My boyfriend is really just an all around good guy.  He is nice and friendly and very easy to talk to.  He is very laid back.  As his father once said, if he were anymore relaxed, he would be dead!  I, on the other hand, am probably too stressed out most of the time.   A few years ago, I began to get annoyed with his no worries type of attitude and saw it as laziness and lack of ambition.   He never seemed interested in moving forward with life and obtaining nice things, like a nicer home for example.  He wasn't concerned with trying to look his best or working out for example, while I was. 

He really is the best Dad ever.  I do not have one complaint in that department.  He is a teacher so he picks her up from preshool everyday and will keep her overnight about 2x a wk.  She is daddy's little girl and they have a wonderful relationship. 

In terms of what annoys me, I guess it does seem to be very superficial things, which I am not proud of.  When we spend a lot of time together, it just seems to be everything.  the way he talks, his weight, he doesn't clean up after himself enough, etc.  I am not attracted to his body.  I do think his face is attractive, but it's almost always followed by the thought, "see he's not that bad".  I know how awful that sounds.  I have had good sex with him, but most of the time, I just don't want to get it started it in the first place.  However, after a few drinks I do, and I don't know if that's my true feelings coming out or what.

We never really have bad fights, but very many emotional arguments.  Whenever we discuss our situation I end up crying because I feel so guilty, and he is so kind about it.  Sometimes I wish he would get more angry with me!  The few times he has gotten really mad it seems are the times I think maybe I want to work things out ( I know that also sounds crazy)

Harmony08, I thought about your questions long and hard last night.  And I still honestly don't know.  For my daughter's sake, I would prefer to have us settled in a house and be living the tradional family life.  It makes me sad to think of us still living in a small condo and her missing out on a nice home and yard, like many of her friends will have.  But at the same time, I know I have so many unresolved issues to deal with.  I'm afraid if we stay together, I'm never going to get to the bottom of my problems.  It's almost as if I say everytime we are together, "oh well, I guess I don't need to work on that now".  thinking of committing to him makes me feel stuck, but I also don't want to end up all alone, a lonely old lady who let the one man who truly loves her pass her by.  Is that physical attraction/chemisty element that important for the long term?

thanks for listening to me again, I really do appreciate it.

Attraction is important but it's not everything, only you can decide and since that's your problem, deciding, then my comment probably doesn't help :) Honestly, I really think you should consider seeing a therapist. Therapy is really good for uncovering what is blocking a decision, what issues are underlying surface problems, and I think is your best bet for getting unstuck. Maybe what you are stuck on is that you don't want the house and the yard with this man, but on the surface it looks like the right option. If that's the case then you need to be true to yourself and not go with expectations others have of you or you think you should have. Or maybe it's that he's right and you have some commitment issues and fears and those are putting negative thoughts in your head keeping you from moving forward with him. Or maybe it's something else altogether. Therapy can help you get to the bottom of it.

Just out of curiosity though, what have your other relationships been like, and what was your parents relationship like? What were your ideas of family growing up? What scares you about moving forward with him? Does anything scare you about staying apart (other than your dd not having the house and the yard)?

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.