I have been dating someone for 2 months now, and we are definitely falling for one another. Both of us have been really hurt in past relationships by people who have taken advantage of our kindness, so we have both been a bit leary of one another being “who they seem to be,” fearing that we will both get hurt. We have talked about this openly and know that it is a struggle for us both. We have not talked about being exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend, or any of that, but it’s just sort of “happening” naturally. My only qualm with the situation is that he seems to be anticipating negative reactions from me to certain things in life/ in our relationship because of his past girlfriends. For example, he said at first that he was not sure yet if he wanted to be friends on Facebook, and so after 2 months, I brought it up last night in a real non-chalant way, just basically saying, “hey, I think we both know neither of us is some weird stalker, let’s be facebook friends!” And he was like, “Well……hm……I mean…..In my last relationship, once we were facebook friends, she saw all of the female friends that I have and she flipped out and got really jealous.” I responded by politely saying, “Well, you know that I’m not like that, right? I have male friends on facebook, too. And neither one of us should compare apples to oranges.” He got it, and agreed that the facebook thing is noooo big deal, but I am concerned that there is going to be this ongoing battle against what all of these other crazy women have done to this nice, kind, genuine man. What do I do? I try to just reassure him each time something like this happens that I’m not like the rest. Should I officially have a conversation with him about it, or just leave it alone and deal with it case by case?
I guess over a period of time you both will develop trust and not have to prove yourself all the time.dont make an issue out of it but take it slow and give time to the other to become comfortable in letting the other in.dont assume that it will be forever ,that is, the proving etc.let trust develop and dont push.
just like "but it’s just sort of “happening” naturally ",hopefully, the trust will happen as well.
Well, there will definitely be more things that come up; my boyfriend was beaten down to the ground for innocent things by his ex and because he was never sure of how a "normal" woman would react to simple things, he would either avoid them or voice his hesitation. It's good that he is open with you about what he's not sure of. Remember that he's doing the only thing he knows how by being cautious. I think almost every couple goes through a stage when they define their boundaries and comforts with one another. You'll get to know his and he'll get to know yours. He's acting on all the experience he has with women, so you may need to be patient while he adjusts his understanding of women to include you. Should you have a conversation about it in general? If you feel it would be helpful then sure, but realistically, one conversation like that is probably not going to magically undo the programming he's had to avoid certain things. It will take some time (it definitely did with my guy) but he will eventually come to understand you and relate to you as an individual. It just won't be automatic, that's part of the process of getting to know one another.
Thank you so much for this advice! You are right, no conversation will magically undo years of stomping by other women. It’s going to take some time for him to trust me and to see that I truly am a trusting partner and don’t have the hang ups that most women have, because I, too, have many friends of the opposite sex, and have also been treated in similar ways. I just need to continually show him, with reassuring words and actions, that I am different from his past girlfriends. I know he is already seeing that, now he just needs to see it consistently over time for a while.
This guy is the nicest man in the world, and he’s never even been cooked for. He’s never had a woman do his laundry out of sheer kindness or clean up his house a bit just to be nice. He’s never had someone treat him with one bit of kindness, or treat him like he DESERVED kindness! He’s just been stomped on over and over again and used and abused for his loving and forgiving nature. It all makes me so sad to think about, but so HAPPY knowing that I get to shower him with the love and kindness that he deserves and that I love to provide!!!!
He is very lucky to have you, and I'm sure he has a lot of kindness to offer as well. I'm sure that being with a woman like you will really open his eyes!!
Love 
