I've been married to my husband for 14 yrs. This is my 2nd marraige that brought along a 3 yr. old daughter (who is now almost 17). The 1st 1 1/2 yrs. of our marraige my husband and I were drug addicted. We decided to clean up our lives, move away from everyone and make a life for ourselves. The plan sounded great, I was the one moving away from every small bit of stability I had for myself and my daughter. We moved to a state where my husbands parents lived and lived with them for the worst 3 months of my life. My husband got down to FL and basically ditched me. All of "our" plans were cast aside when my husband and his parents decided that drinking and partying were more important. My husband is the youngest of 9, in a second marraige. His parents were major alcoholics and had no time for him, so he grew up alone while they spent their time drunk. So, now as an adult he was able to have something in common w/them and spent all his time drinking and fighting w/me- along w/his parents fighting w/me. By natural consequences I met another man (we were not married yet). I worked in a bar and we bartended together. He was married, but only for his green card. Obviously it didn't take much of anything for him to sweep me off my feet. My husband found out about it and made me choose between him and the other guy. I chose my husband. He joined the military shortly after that and I became pregnant with our son. I could go on and on about what has transpired between the two of us in the 14 yrs we've been together: STD's, drinking and driving, constant shutting out and misery, his constant snooping and accusations, etc. About 2 yrs. ago my husband brought a 23 yr. old friend home from work. Well, because we went out and were drinking, one thing led to another and my husband prodded and pushed me into fulfilling his fantasy of me giving oral sex to another guy while husband had sex with me. When I first met my husband, because of the drugs and other issues, I was basically a whore. I knew that I held the key to getting what I wanted/needed from a guy...and that was sex. So, basically, my husband wanted me to be a whore for him again. He loved every minute of it. Of course, like before, it didn't take long before this 23 yr.old swept me off my feet. He thought I was amazing, and beautiful. Something clicked between the 2 of us...we had great chemistry. So, this pissed husband off and thruought the past 2 yrs. he has held it over my head, barraged his way into my now strictly only friendship w/23 yr. old, bullied. I barely ever talk to 23 yr. old anymore...maybe once every couple of months. But that sends husband into a tizzy and he goes nuts w/snooping and accusing and basically making my life hell. Husband spends most of his time either wrapped up in his reclusive shell, waiting for someone to notice how miserable he is so that he can get sympathy. If he doesn't get the attention right away, he will instigate until someone bites and then he turns the tables and makes the other person feel like they did something wrong. Actually, he only does this w/me and my daughter. We went to counceling for 2 yrs. until the councelor said it was useless because he wasn't doing anything except feeding her crap and continuing to do what he did. He's uptight all the time, stresses about absolutly everything and makes everyone generally unhappy. At this point I am here for a roof over my head and he knows this. I put everything on hold to support his military career, raise the kids, etc. Now I need to get my education so that I can support myself. I wish I could leave. I wish he didn't have to make everything so damn difficult and would just cut this crap out so that I could love him like I want to. I just don't know what to do.
It sounds like you know you should leave but can't figure out the "how" part. Is that it? Or do you want to find a way to stay? The old saying is true, where there is a will there is a way. Do you have the will to take charge of your own life and live the way you want to live?
"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.
Rose.......I am quite sure that I have,over the many, many years that I've been coming to Ivillage, brought up the father/daughter relationship, or lack thereof, in my posts asking for advice. The advice I'm asking now is relative to my husband and I...not my DD and I, or DD and husband. I'm sure that he has played some role in her having issues but for the record, the past few months have been amazing. My DD has had many an epiphany regarding her "issues" and the reasons why they came about. Much of them were directly related to her admitted excessive use of drugs and alcohol. For now, probation keeps her clean....when she gets off probabtion and is faced with having to make a decision to continue or not continue will be the real test. Yes, my household is hugely disfunctional....immensly. I cannot get my husband to commit to making any changes...and not changes for me, or for DD, or for son....but for himself. He just is not capable of doing it...period. I have what I have with him. The problem lies with me...this is what I get in life. For now? Forever? That is the question I'm asking. How much can I take for the sake of having a roof over my head? and at what cost? I have no means to begin my life over....not financially, at all. Life would be so much better for us all if HE moved out and left us here in the house w/ a stipend for food, etc. But, he won't do that, for some reason. Anyway...I'm sorry to "dissapoint" you, but for the most part my DD and husband stay away from each other...except for his outbursts of instigating her which she is learning to just ignore.
Welcome to the board, Thecoolkidzmine ~
So why can't you leave?
I recognize it won't be easy, but the truth is, it'll never be easy; and staying isn't easy either. So, why can't you leave?
"Ignoring the facts does not change the facts" ~ Author unknown
Love 
