My boyfriend and I are planning on buying a house together within the next 6-9 months. I just found out that the neighborhood that we have been looking at is the same neighborhood that a woman who my boyfriend went to high school with moved into a couple of years ago. Of course, he knew this all along. This women has been the topic of many arguments my boyfriend and I have had in the past. These arguments almost broke up our relationship. However, I thought we had since then overcome our issues regarding her, but I still don't feel comfortable moving in the same neighborhood as this woman. When I brought this discussion up to my boyfriend he laughed and said he had hoped I wouldn't find out. Then he got upset and angry and said that I was being childish and overreacting. Am I? Should I be fine with moving so close to the woman who almost tore us apart? I don't necessarily think it's a trust issue or that we aren't over the problems from the past, but rather a practicality of being proactive and not placing ourselves in such an awkward and uncomfortable situation. It's also the only neighborhood that we can afford that is in the school district his daughter wants to be in so I feel like I am stuck. What am I supposed to do?
So he went to high school with her, she's been the topic of many arguments, and the arguments almost broke up your relationship. There's got to be more to it than they just went to high school together. Can you elaborate?
If it's the only area you can afford and the right school district, then it might be better to work through the issues or just don't buy a house together yet. Does his daughter live with him? How old is she? How long have the two of you been together? What has driven you to buy a house together at this point in time?
"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.
"Should I be fine with moving so close to the woman who almost tore us apart? I don't necessarily think it's a trust issue or that we aren't over the problems from the past, but rather a practicality of being proactive and not placing ourselves in such an awkward and uncomfortable situation. "
Okay - from where I am sitting .. it IS a trust issue because he was hoping you would not find out .. so he is stripping you of your choices .. which makes for a very lopsided relationship. Also - SHE did not tear your relationship apart .. HE did. The way I always see relationship issues where there is some person trying to drive a wedge between the couple or tempt one of the partners is that .. it is the SO's fault if that happens .. because he or she made a promise to be faithful and loyal to the relationship.
"It's also the only neighborhood that we can afford that is in the school district his daughter wants to be in so I feel like I am stuck. What am I supposed to do? "
If you cannot persuade him to try another neighborhood .. then you need to have clear boundaries established within your relationship (what is acceptable/not acceptable, trust, disclosure, etc) and outside of your relationship in your dealings with others (like this woman .. can she call, visit, etc?)
Welcome to the boad, Hisbabydoll23 ~
I too would like an explanation of what problems this woman caused for the relationship, how and why you two were almost torn apart.
BUT....Without knowing more, I'd say you have some serious issues in your relationship still -- issues that should have you rethinking purchasing a house together, for now anyway. He knew that this woman who caused so much trouble for your relationship lived in the neighborhood and kept it from you. If that's not enough of an issue (respect, concern for your relationship, etc.), he laughed when you told him she lived there? This is not what happens in a healthy relationship, a relationship with adequate respect and caring. This is serious enough that it should cause you to ask yourself if you really want to be tied to a large financial obligation with someone who thinks so little of your feelings and respects you so little to hide this from you, laugh at your discovery and call you childish and overreacting for being upset.
IMO, the issue with his daughter is a completely separate issue that shouldn't be weighted in considering your relationship issues. It shouldn't have a place in you deciding what you want to do for you and for your relationship.
I wouldn't take another step closer with this guy. Not unless a whole lot changes.
Perhaps my thoughts will change with your further explanation. I'll be checking back for it.
"Ignoring the facts does not change the facts" ~ Author unknown
Thanks for your responses. He went to high school with this woman, but as far as I know they were only friends and never dated. After many years, they reconnected not long after my boyfriend and I started dating. He did not tell me this, I found out on my own. I had no problem with him being friends with her. Our issues started when he continued to lie (including lies of ommission) to me about her - about phone calls, going out for drinks with another guy friend and her, playing golf with her and another friend and when she bought this house, he went to her house warming party without me. Again, if he would have just been honest with me, I wouldn't have been so upset. His reasoning for lying to me was that he knew he wasn't doing anything wrong, i.e. cheating, and that he didn't want to fight with me because I overreact to things. I continued to tell him if he were honest with me, I would not overreact, but when he lies, of course I'm going to react badly. This argument went on each time I found out a new lie. I assume I am stupid for staying in the relationship at that point. This may sound ignorant, but I have no reason to believe that he actually/physically cheated on me with her. Since all of these incidents, as I said before, I thought we had worked through everything and the trust regained. Now I find this out. Why didn't he tell me upfront about her living in this neighborhood? Is it MY problem, since I'm not over what has happened in the past? If I were over it, would I be absolutely fine with this happening? It was a painful part of our relationship and I would prefer to not be so close to the subject of our contention. Is that unreasonable and childish?
Love 
