Hi There. Newbie stopping by needing some honest feedback. I'm a 34 year old single mom of 2 who was married for 9 years, on my own for 2. Spent the last 2 years working on myself and dating casually. Was friends with a man who wanted to date me but we live very different lives. He is a bouncer in a bar, has done that for 10 years, is 4 years younger than myself, basically has only had short term relationships with women he has met at the bar. Anyone in his life, is from the bars he's worked at. I get that that is the easiest place to meet friends, most of my friends are from my workplace as well. I am a social worker who has a strong sense of spirituality, a close group of friends and put my children first in all I do. Their dad only takes them alternate weekends so I have them basically all of the time. In the summer we started getting really close and I started to have a "fun" relationship with him but he was not very happy with that and made no bones about letting me know he was serious about me. He is the one that always brings up the next level of commitment, and often mentions the future, such as living together, having a baby, growing old together. He has been wonderful, despite our differences. Here comes the issue....I come from an abusive marriage and that effected my self esteem to the point that I am in counselling to deal with how it has changed me. There is an 18 year old at his work who openly asks him if he wants to hook up, and she is very set on him. I went to the bar with him on Saturday night, knowing about her but not knowing who she was. There was a very sexy little thing dancing like an erotic dancer, who as soon as we got close came up to him and just the way she put her hand on his arm, I knew who she was. A girl whom he had a sexual relationship with 2 years ago also goes there and talks with him, Facebooks him, texts him. One of his close friends is a woman he picked up there. It all just makes me terribly uncomfortable. To the point that I am now sad about the relationship. Am I over reacting? I don't think he's going to cheat, I trust him. I just feel awful about myself being afraid that I don't measure up to these younger, sexy, carefree women who spend their weekends in the bar while I am at home being a mommy. I'm close to ending the relationship over it but am afraid that I am in the wrong and will hate myself later on over it. Help!
(((HUGS))) and kudos for being out of that abusive marriage, as well as to getting counseling for your self esteem issues. I don't know whether you're wrong about this now or not, but here's an article I think may help: Another woman wants my man!!
Welcome to the board, Gigglegoof ~
Some questions first to help me fully understand your situation, if you don't mind:
* In the first paragraph of your post you say you "were" friends with this guy who wanted to date you, but further into your post it sounds like you were more than friends. Can you elaborate on the status of your relationship:? * Are you still dating? * How long have you known this guy? * If you're still dating, how long have you been dating? * You said last summer you started to have a "fun" relationship but he was not happy with that. What do you mean by fun and why was he not happy with that -- I get that he wanted more, but specifically what "more" did he want? * How long have you been in counseling? * Have you talked to your counselor about this issue, and if so, what does s/he have to say about it.
I don't know how you felt about it, and I am no counselor, but quite honestly, I disagree with a lot of the points and suggestions in the article CMSteph linked for you.
Thanks in advance for your answers ~ I'll be checking back!
I apologize for getting here so late (work, kids need the computer for homework, etc.) and tomorrow night I have plans after work so it will likely be late before I can get back here.
"Ignoring the facts does not change the facts" ~ Author unknown
My SO also works as a bouncer on the weekends. He has women of all ages throwing themselves at him regularly. It comes with the job. Many of these women are probably better looking than me, and since I'm still carrying baby-weight they very likely have better figures than me!
But you know what? He wants me. He chose me. He's building a life with me.
IMO you don't need to worry. Your BF has made his feelings very clear. He wants YOU.
My appologies, there was so much history to fit in there and I already felt like I was rambling. :)
* In the first paragraph of your post you say you "were" friends with this guy who wanted to date you, but further into your post it sounds like you were more than friends. Can you elaborate on the status of your relationship:? We met about a year ago and have been fairly close friends, talking basically every day. He wanted a relationship but I had a hard time with the differences between us. We started dating in July. * Are you still dating? Yep, still dating. * How long have you known this guy? About a year. * If you're still dating, how long have you been dating? Started dating in July. * You said last summer you started to have a "fun" relationship but he was not happy with that. What do you mean by fun and why was he not happy with that -- I get that he wanted more, but specifically what "more" did he want? For me, it was more about going out and having fun and being intimate. I very much kept my distance, making sure he didn't sleep over, that we didn't hold hands, that sort of thing. He is hardcore about it, he says he wants the wedding, the house, the baby, the rocking chairs on the front porch. This is his first time being in love, and I believe what he tells me. I don't think he's a player in anyway. Which so goes against my personality when it comes to men. Little jaded. :)
* How long have you been in counseling? I have been in counselling since January but am not new to counselling and went several times throughout my marriage. My ex husband and my doctor as well as marriage counsellor were the ones that labelled it "abusive". I still have a hard time with that word, but I'm starting to see what they say. My natural response is to excuse his behaviour.
* Have you talked to your counselor about this issue, and if so, what does s/he have to say about it. I have talked to her about it, and she feels that it has a lot to do with my self esteem issues, but also encourages me to respect my feelings. I very much respect what she has to say, but do not have the skills yet to follow my gut. I just don't have the faith in myself to do it, based on choices I've made in the past.
I do trust that my bf is not messing around, I trust what he tells me, it's not really an jealousy issue. It's more a self esteem issue and feeling like I am not good enough. I am just not sure if other women would have an issue with having a bouncer bf who gets a lot of female attention at work, or if this is me over reacting. It just makes me very sad and it's effecting the relationship which is not fair to him I know, but I just don't know if I can handle it.
Love 
