I wanted to post my problem here since there seems to be many helpful people here with great advice. My relationship with my bf has been rocky over the years. We have started dating when we were in our late teens and are now 21 and 23 and thinking about marriage. We have lived together for a year now.
Things have been rocky but we have managed to work things out regarding, money and chores around the house. I’ve been ready to leave numerous times but we have worked things out and everything is going really well. A huge issue that has haunted me throughout the year we lived together has been his pornography use. It has been a year of lies, deceit and crying. It jumped from the computer, to deleting history and cookies to using the PSP, to using his cell phone and deleting evidence. Out right lying. (Please understand I am not debating whether it is ok to use porn, I’m just trying to vent my feelings)
He is now being honest with me about his use. We spoke a lot about this issue and I have had my foot out the door numerous times over it, but it doesn’t seem to matter. He says he is scared to lose me etc but then a day later after we figure things out he is using it and deleting history. We have spoken about him fantasizing about these girls etc and to be honest it breaks my heart. I know he loves me and he shows it everyday, tells me he loves me and tries to listen to me about my feelings regarding it. I just can’t help myself from feeling heartbroken over this. I’m completely in love with him and vice versa and our relationship has become really great, we’re best friends, enjoy everything together, it’s just this one thing that has me wrapped up in pain.
I’m not feeling insecure about my body, or thinking I’m not good enough, I’ve grown and accepted myself aside from whether he accepts my body or not. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, but I don’t think I can everreally get over this feeling. I need help because I want things to work out, and he says he is working on stopping using the porn for the sake of my feelings, (I’ve never told him what to do) but I feel completely worthless after sharing my thoughts and feelings about this and he still continues. He even almost lost me.
My heart breaks each time I know he has fantasies of these girls. I feel as though if I hadn’t an issue with it he would be ok with an open relationship even, sex means nothing to him as he said “sex can be bought, that stuff is just sex”. I keep having a hard time with this and he keeps telling me he is trying to show me he loves me, I just feel confused on his take on this whole thing. I asked him how he would feel if I yearned for other guys etc and he said it doesn’t bother him and that hurts too. It hurts that he doesn’t care if I would want to be with someone else, but if I were to physically cheat then it would be an issue. Its just hard when he doesn’t see an issue over it, like he would love to have sex with different girls and have our relationship too. The sex isn’t a big deal to him, meaning less sex means nothing. I really don’t see much of a difference between sitting there getting off to fantasies of being with different girls and actually doing it if its “just sex” and his mind and emotions are already into it.
I just feel as though the real integrity and closeness of the relationship is compromised by his nonchalant thinking that we should just go do whatever as long as it’s not touching. I just don’t feel secure in this relationship. What makes him not go and do that? Because the temptation isn’t there yet?
I feel lost and hurt because I don’t want to leave but I don’t think this issue will ever get better. What do I do? I feel like a freak because many other women are ok with this and live happy lives with great partners and I know whoever I do find will also have fantasies and like using porn. So how do I get over this? What do I do? How can I stop hurting so much?
I don't know why you would want to be okay with this. Lots of people like to use porn once in a while, but your SO sounds like he might possibly have a porn addiction and that is much different. Think about it being anything else. Your SO drinks now and then, OR he drinks all the time and hides and lies and it interferes with your relationship often. Or your SO likes to go gambling with his buddies on an annual trip, OR your SO gambles online daily, hides it, lies about it, and it interferes with your relationship often. There's a big difference between the two.
Personally, when evaluating a relationship you have to look for the deal breakers. This sounds like it's close to a deal breaker for you but you aren't certain it is. I think you might want to read up on porn addictions and find out what it means to relationships. I don't think him stopping for your sake will work when he's that insensitive to your feelings and you are nowhere near being on the same page in terms of the meaning and importance of your sexual relationship. When he says he's trying to stop, what does that mean? Has he reached out for assistance? Contacted a therapist or started a 12-step program? Is he trying or is he *saying* he's trying?
I found a site you might want to check out. We can't determine if he is an addict, but you can read and learn about the signs and what a porn addiction means to a relationship. It might also give you more information to talk to him about, and you can see if he's interested in learning about it, whether he might have it, and whether he really wants to seek help if he can't stop on his own.
Hey Susy1234 ~ I'm not used to seeing you on this side of an issue : )
This is probably going to be pretty long, I see a lot to comment on....I apologize in advance.
There's a red flag in your opening statement...you're relationship has always been rocky. Whether you're managing to get through the rocks or not, a good relationship isn't rocky, a good relationship isn't a struggle and you don't find yourself facing obstacle after obstacle in a good relationship. The fact that your relationship has always been rocky says it's not the right fit for either of you, no matter how you feel about each other.
Another aspect is your age. Since you started dating in your teens, neither of you has any experience with adult relationships, really, with relationships with other than each other. You may feel you're right for each other, but you have nothing to base your feeling on -- no criteria, no other experiences to form a standard from. I have known people your age who thought their relationship was wonderful, until they broke up and dated others; it was then that they realized that what they'd thought was great was truly a substandard relationship. The only relationship they had to base their feeling on was the one they were in.
Another concern is your age. At 21 and 23 your brains are not yet done forming and maturing. What seems right will likely not be at all right for you when you've reached maturation (25-30). Until you've reached that point, you can't predict what relationship will be right; you have no way of knowing what you'll be like! So, not only on the other issues you brought up in your post, but simply on your age alone I would strongly caution you against making any commitments.
Whether or not there is an addiction at play, there are issues that clearly say the two of you are not right for each other.
You beat yourself up for not being okay with what some other women are okay with. Susy, each of us is an individual with his and her own individual standards, beliefs and morals. What's right for you is right for you, period. It's not something to feel wrong or bad for, it's one criteria that defines what you are accepting of. There are millions of other areas that you are tolerant of that some others are not.
Like I indicated, being okay or not with porn is a moral/value based belief. You do not feel it's okay and he clearly does. It's pretty clear that it's not something that should be in your life, and that is perfectly acceptable. You are joined by millions of others. But, your boyfriend does not share that same belief. His morals and values are that porn is quite acceptable. From what you've said, you are aware of just how vast the difference in what defines acceptable is between the two of you. You cannot accept it (which is fine) and he cannot leave it alone (evident by his behavior). Surely you can see this is a no-win, right? You aren't going to be any more successful at making yourself like it than you are making him dislike it. The fact that he promises to stop when you've got a foot out the door but goes back to it clearly tells you what he's doing. His goal isn't to stop using porn, his goal is to keep you there. His promises are what it takes to get you to stay. Once the relationship is back on more solid ground, his goal has been met and he's back to using porn. Please understand I'm not saying he's doing this in a calculated manner, I don't think he is. But, he's also telling you quite clearly that giving up porn isn't something he wants to do. Susy, without his deep desire to no longer use porn, without him not liking that part of himself, without believing it is wrong and wanting to stop regardless of whether you're in his life or not, he's not going to change. This is true whether his porn use is an addiction or not. This will always be an issue between you.
The issue you're facing is one of a difference in one of your core values and values and morals are the cornerstones of what your relationship is built on. You can't build a strong relationship without those cornerstones in place; a strong foundation simply can't be built. You'll always struggle with this, and your relationship won't be able to grow strong or move forward; you'll be stuck. I know that you want things to work out, but the fact is a relationship is only right when the components are right. You can't force something to work out.
I know this is contrary to what most young people want to believe, but love is not enough to sustain a relationship; not by a long shot. Sometimes letting go of the one you love is absolutely the right thing to do. And in doing so you make your future life better and his too. I know you want this to work out, but relationships don't fit because you want them to, they fit because they are a compatible fit. In this issue you believe one way and he believes another. What does that mean? It means that while he may be right for you in a million ways, in this way he is not. He falls under the category of "close, but no cigar". Your relationship with him has taught you many criteria of what is necessary to be a part of a partner that is a good match for you and it has also taught you some of what is necessary not to be a part of a partner.
Look ahead and ask yourself if you want to be dealing with this, feeling like this, in ten years. Will it make you happy? Is this the kind of environment you want to raise children in? Is what's going on in your relationship the picture you see when you think of your ideal future?
This is not a situation that's going to change. Stay only if you can happily accept his use of porn. You already know you can't. Problems that are present before marriage become much bigger problems after marriage. If it's a problem for you now, it will be a much bigger problem later.
I know none of this is what you wanted to hear. But the situation is what it is, not what you want it to be, Susy. You can end it now and hurt for a while, but the pain will ease and go end. In staying the pain will continue and you'll never have the relationship you should have, the relationship that's right for you. Staying in a situation that hurts you isn't healthy or wise. I know you know that.
"Ignoring the facts does not change the facts" ~ Author unknown
Love 
