Problem Solving for Couples

I've been married for about 7 years now to a 1 in a million guy named James. Before him I was in a 3 year relationship with this guy Eli with whom I remained close even after we broke-up because he wanted to settle down and I didn't. J&E got along pretty well and were becoming friends.

Two weeks ago they went out to the movies and on the way back a drunk driver rammed into them. James got away with a concussion,a broken arm, sprained ankle and a few bumps and bruises. Eli didn't make it and it absolutely devastated me. James was trying to be as supportive as he could but after the funeral last week I just blew up and in the heat of the moment told him I wish it had been him not Eli.

I know it was wrong and would give anything to take it back but I just felt so angry that James got away with barely any damage and Eli died. James won't even look me in the eye since it happened 3 days ago and we've barely exchanged 2 words. I just don't have the worlds to tell him how sorry I am. What do I do?

Welcome to the board, Viennalee ~

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the struggle you're having right now. 

This is a difficult situation due to the emotions that are running high in both you and your husband; you both have a lot to deal with emotionally and neither are able to respond to each other as you would were you not so emotionally taxed right now. 

I can't put words or intent in your mouth, but it seems to me that when you said you wished it hadn't been him, you didn't necessarily mean you wished it had  been your husband.  Rather, I would think you were saying you wished he hadn't died, just not expressing it well due to the high emotions brought on by the death.  It's pretty understandable that you'd not word things as well as you could during a time like this.  But, I also think it's understandable that your husband would be upset by your words. 

I think it might be helpful for you to put down on paper what your thinking and feeling; that you misspoke due to high anxiety and didn't mean it the way it sounded.  In your letter, tell your husband how much you love him, how grateful you are that he's here and how devastating it would be to think about your life without him., tell him how you'd feel without him  Make this letter from your heart and pour yourself out in it.  Perhaps in reading your letter your husband can begin to understand.

A letter will allow you to express yourself fully without having to try to come up with words while interacting with him.  I'm betting even if the letter's hard to start (they often are for me), once you get going, you'll find plenty to say.

"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ Author unknown

Wow, that sounds like a very hard situation for both of you made worse by the harsh words. I am curious though, if you know why you were feeling so angry at your husband? You said he was trying to be supportive of you, but he was also injured and he also lost a friend, shouldn't you have been supporting each other rather than him supporting you only?

I think a good first step would be to check out what might be behind that blow up. Something made you say it, and your response to your husband to try and make this okay is going to be more genuine if you first know what was behind it.

A good second step might be to ask him if you can talk, and tell him honestly how much you care about him and do not wish him dead, and perhaps were wrongly placing blame on him rather than the drunk driver. And then from there see if you can mutually support each other to get through this difficult time.

I wonder too if there is any unresolved guilt from the failed relationship with Eli. You said the relationship broke up with Eli because he wanted to settle down and you didn't, but you have been married 7 years. Was Eli married? Are there any other feelings of guilt or regret that may be interfering in your relationship with your husband now? If so, they might be perfectly reasonable feelings to have but it might still be good to identify them and think about ways to keep them from cropping up and causing conflict.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.