Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide

Hi. I'm new here. My names Lore. Anyway, I was raped back in August 2008. It was a stupid situation. I was out having a good time with my boyfriend at the time and he apparently slipped me a date rape drug in my drink. I was sick that night and said no sex so I guess that was his way of getting back at me. I broke up with him a couple weeks later when I realized what had happened.  I got counseling for a few months, but had to stop because it was costing me over 300 dollars a month for therapy so I am not seeing anyone to help. I also have not really told anyone expect for a few close friends and a church counselor. I don't really wanna ask anyone for help though because I don't think they'd want to help anyway.

Fast forward six months, and I met this really nice guy through a chat site online. He didn't seem like all the other guys I had met. He was nice, sensitive, and stood by me through my rape. But it turned into the same thing again. He just wanted me for my body and for sex. He began becoming controlling, pushy, and emotionally abusive. I finally broke up with him as hard as it was because it wasn't healthy.

Because of the rape and my previous relationship, truthfully I'm scared to date anymore. I feel dirty, disgusting, used, and like guys only see me as an object that they can sleep with then throw to the side. I'm extremely scared to get into another relationship for fear of a future abuse or rape. I don't want to be taken advantage of again. And I guess if that means being single the rest of my life then so be it. How do I get past this? And how can I find a man who will respect and honor me and not just want to control me or get into my pants?

Hi Lore, and welcome to the board.

I am so very sorry that you have had to undergo all of this. I am glad that you were able to go to counselling for a few months. It allowed you to move forward, and also enabled you to see an unhealthy relationship and take steps to end it instead of being oblivious to the abuse/unhealthly aspects. Congratulations! It takes courage to step away from an unhealthy relationship especially when we are still healing and vulnerable.

The ideal situation would be that you go back to work with a counsellor to work through the issues that are currently on your plate. If your former counsellor does not accept payments on a sliding scale basis, you could call the nearest crisis center to you to ask for referrals to counsellors who do. You can also ask them if they run any support groups that might be a good fit with you.

There are two books that might be of insight for you: Trust After Trauma by Aphrodite Matsakis and Life After Trauma by Dena Rosembloom, Mary Beth Williams and Barbara Watkins.

On a very practical note, perhaps you could take a break from love relationships for 6, 8 or 12 months and focus on you, your healing, your friendships. You can take the time to also reflect if there were similar traits the two abusive boyfriends shared, and if there were similarities in the way that the relationship evolved. Look around, and observe family and friends who are in healthy relationships and see how each partner behaves and is, how the relationship is. You might want to talk to them together and separately to ask about their views on relationships. What you can also do is talk with a counsellor at the crisis center about abusive people, learn what the red flags are so that you can step away from an abusive person even before engaging in a relationship.

The way to not be taken advantage of is to know where and what your boundaries are, and to be pretty strict with enforcing it. If you want other to respect you and your boundaries, you've got to respect yourself and your own boundaries first. Whenever someones transgresses, you politely but firmly push them back... and see how they react. Those who respect you will apologize, understand, and won't do it again. Those who don't respect you or only think about themselves or who are controlling will make an ado about it.

Another good way to find out whether a man respects women is to look at his friends. Does he have women friends? How does he treat them? What does he think of them? How does he talk about them? About his male friends - what are they like, how do they interact with their girlfriends and female friends?

I was date raped, twice. Once by a man whom I was dating, and the other time by a man I wasn't even dating. I've had boyfriends since the rapes, and I can tell you that there are a lot of good and decent men out there. But in order to meet them, we first must heal inside, and we should have already moved forward somewhat so that we aren't vulnerable when we meet them. You want to be in a place where you are 150% Lore, the amazing, smart, wonderful, talented, funny person and survivor that you are.

I hope this helps, and I am sending you lots of positive thoughts. Let us know how you are doing, and if you have any questions please don't ever hesitate to ask!