My boyfriend wants to befriend his x girlfriend's granddaughter. The reason he wants to do this because he missed out on raising his kids shortly after they were maybe 10-12 yrs old. He divorced his x in 2003. His grown children have limited communication with him bc his x won't let them get involved with their father. She basically said he was a looser. Anyway, my bf was a good father to his children when they were young, put them to bed everynight, read to them etc. His x girlfriend's granddaughter he sees as a bright, young girl born into deplorable circumstances (abusive, unstable family situation). I almost see as if he wants to rescue this child from the environment she was born into. Unfortuately, unless the parents are deemed unfit to raise her, there is nothing he can do. The little girl asks about my bf often and calls him uncle. My bf loves to be with her to give her what a normal father should give his daughter. He misses that. The problem I see with this is that somehow this will be a way for his x to weasle back into his life eventhough he said she has a boyfriend. I told him he could visit the little girl. The x even invited us to her home to see her. He says our relationship is solid and will marry me. My take is that unfortuantely this little girl will turn from a sweet, smart innocent child to a out of control teenage gir because she had no guidence growing up. That is not my bf responsibility. It is not his child. He asked me if I would ever consider adopting a child and I told him, no. I am 46 yrs old and I don't want any children, never had any and don't want any. Not out of selfishness but out of realism, I am unemployed, his income is unstable and I don't want to be tied down to that kind of responsiblity at my age when it is of a time to think about planning for retirement. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. He said he does not want any more kids either but a part of him misses what could have with his own children. Should I tell him, not a good idea? Should I say, yes but with limitations? Do what you feel is best? He says he has no feelings for his x girlfriend. It is over btw them or is it. This little girl is an extension of his x girlfriend. Any suggestions, do I need to be concerned? I am a strong person. Thank you for your advice.
You know, if he were the one writing in to ask us what we thought, I would tell him not to get mixed up again with his ex and that another person's grandchild is not his responsibility in any way. Bringing her into his life is not necessarily going to save her. Living out his dream of being a father to a young child through someone else's child is a little weird and I won't say it's criminal or even wrong, but she's just not his responsibility and he's not her parent.
But since it's not him writing in, it's you, I'll instead say this. You, as a girlfriend, don't have a right to tell him what he can and cannot do - The most you can do is determine whether something is or is not acceptable to you and use that to decide whether or not you are in a relationship with him. That's your only power over his life, deciding to stay or go. He doesn't have to ask you whether or not he can do this, though it would be wise for him to bear in mind that you don't want kids and his relationship with you will be compromised if adopting this girl is ever a real possibility.
I think you should know your own limits before you expect him to make a decision that affects your relationship. If you're okay now with the contact they have, maybe you should reiterate to him that you don't want to be a parent and that having kids is a deal-breaker for you.
"My take is that unfortuantely this little girl will turn from a sweet, smart innocent child to a out of control teenage gir because she had no guidence growing up. That is not my bf responsibility. It is not his child. He asked me if I would ever consider adopting a child and I told him, no. I am 46 yrs old and I don't want any children, never had any and don't want any."
You don't have a very high opinion of children do you? If you don't want children, never had any....why get involved with someone with children? What happens when/if he has more to do with his own children (it will more than likely happen) will your take on that be the same, will you tell him when or how often he can see his own children? If you have never had children it is hard to understand where someone is coming from that has children.
I don't know if it would be a good idea or not for your bf to get more involved, it would probably depend on the amount of involvement but if he can be a stable loving figure in her life, that could only benefit the child and your relationship is solid and stable, I really don't see what the problem is. Your take on this is no more right/wrong than his is, you just look at this differently. And you keep bringing up the x in your post, that she will weasel her way back in., etc....was your relationship not solid before this came about? why so fixated on the x?
And I have to agree ....it is not your place to tell him what he can do when he can do it...you aren't his mother. If you can't discuss this and come to an understanding and agree at least to compromise on this, then it is best to leave the relationship.
"My take is that unfortuantely this little girl will turn from a sweet, smart innocent child to a out of control teenage gir because she had no guidence growing up. That is not my bf responsibility. It is not his child."
I encourage you to be compassionate in this area. I grew up in a crappy family with lots of abuse, lack of boundaries, alcoholism, etc. It was the kindness of people who had no responsibility to me other than the kindness of their heart that got me through a really sh*tty childhood. Your BF's kindness and compassion could very well be something that keeps her from turning into that out of control teenage girl, like many of my cousins who didn't have anyone compassionate in their lives to temper the abuse and wound up pretty damaged.
Please don't make this about the ex...you have nothing to worry about, especially since she invited the TWO of you over. And you should also trust your BF more than that, as well. Please don't block him from giving a little comfort to someone who can't defend herself.
***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***
That was the thought process I was heading towards. Right now, he is so busy with work and restoring the house that I don't think it will be an issue. I am a strong person and I think our relationship is strong enough that we can talk it through should I sense the relationship is shifting because of it, I will bring my concerns to his attention. Thank you for your insight.
Love 
