Dealing with In-Laws

There is so much that can be said about my mil and the things that she has done and said to me since the we first met, but there is not enough time so, I will just fill you in on the latest.

MIL lives out-of-state and recently "informed" us that she is planning on coming to our place for Thanksgiving and staying through the Christmas season (which will probably include New Year's).  MIL said she spoke with our young child to see when would be the best time for her to come here.  I listened to her say this and could not respond at the time because I was still in shock. 

She was just here for a visit (which went sour towards the end) in the summer and that lasted a month.  The visit before that was less than two months prior and lasted a couple of weeks. 

We don't mind visits that last only a couple of weeks as long as we are asked if that visit is okay with us and she respects us.  She now is at the point where she just informs us of these trips and comes whether it is convenient for us or not.   She does this because we said no to her the last time she actually asked us (this was about 4 years ago).  At that time we had just bought a new house and were still not out of the old one.  We were both working full time and trying to remodel the new house, get our child situated in a new school, and show our old place to prospective buyers.  Needless to say she pushed and pushed to come up for a "visit", because she wanted to "help".  Thank goodness my DH put his foot down and said no (he has a hard time saying anything to mommy dearest).

She has no boundaries, although we have tried to set them many, many times.  She is very manipulative, underhanded and disrespectful.  When she was here the last time, I found out that she had gone through some personal financial info of ours.  She also made the statement that none of the family liked me from the very beginning.  There are so many offensive things that she did, I just can't list them all.  She doesn't care what we would want - it is always all about what is good for her, what she wants/needs at the time.

I am forever hopeful that MIL will see what she does and learn from her mistakes.  I am trying to learn from mine.  I know that the problems we have aren't all one-sided.

I just can't handle another month-long visit, especially during the most stress-filled time of the year.  It is too much for anyone to handle.  She is very suffocating and our house is way too small for us, let alone another person for that long.  How can I get her to see that she is crossing boundaries that have been set for her time and again?.  She just doesn't want to hear the word no.  So, half of the time she doesn't even ask.  What can DH and I do to stop her?

I'm sorry.

She sees that the boundary crossing WORKS for her. You said "no", she came anyway, *voila* she had her visit!

She SEES the boundaries, she just wants her own way.

How do you enforce boundaries with your children?

You may have to tell her 'No' before she comes AND tell her 'no' when she arrives. She has to find a place to stay? She should have listened when you said 'no'. offer to call her a cab and wish her well.

Can your husband do that?

Until you make your "no's MEAN "no", she will continue as she has done. Because it works for her.

Thanks for the response.

This is where it gets tricky.  DH has trouble talking to mommy dearest.  He also has trouble saying no, many times, even if it is at our expense.

Several years ago DH said no to his dad when he needed something and his dad passed away later that day.  MIL is aware of this situation and takes advantage of DH and manipulates him to no end.  MIL says jump and DH asks how high.

I have tried to talk to MIL about what this has done to DH to no avail.

MIL is a very self-centered, manipulative person and doesn't want to hear about her actions.

I will talk to DH and see if the visit can take place at another time and last no longer than 2 weeks.  DH and I have had several conversations about this matter.  I hope we can use some of the advice you gave. 

Dealing with MIL really is comparable to dealing with a child.  

Thanks again! 

I really feel for you.  Even your best friend would get on your nerves if they stayed with you that long.  I had remembered something Dear Abby used to say about long visits.  While I was looking for it I came across this and thought it was funny.

According to my many years of reading Ann Landers and Dear Abby, you politely say "no". Tell them that you'd love for them to visit for a few nights, but you don't think three weeks is a good idea. Explain that you enjoy your privacy (with your partner) and would not feel comfortable with them staying over for that long.

Is it a problem of them being in the house for 3 weeks? Or being "around" for 3 weeks? If it's just the former, then offer to help pay for a hotel room nearby. If it's the latter, then you MUST be firm with your refusal.

If that doesn't work then, starting on day 4, have crazy sex with your partner on the kitchen table, living room, their bed, everywhere. All the time. When they are in the house. That should send them scurrying home.

Now that is funny. lol  What I was really looking for was the saying "house guests are like fish, both begin to stink after 3 day.  Good luck.

Wait a minute. This is YOUR home, and yet you have to "see" if the visit can last only two weeks, because your husband is afraid that Mommy will die if he tells her "no"?

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but if your DH feels guilt over telling his dad no, right before Dad died, then he might benefit from some grief counseling.

If you put this in perspective, isn't he telling YOU "no" when he allows his mother to run roughshod over you and do what she wants? Why are Mommy's wants trumping those of his wife? Hmmmmm.

Tell her that, first of all, she is to discuss visits with YOU and DH, not your children. Then, tell her no visit for the holidays. She was just there. Warn her that she will not be let in the door and she will need to get a hotel and go back home immediately.

Then be prepared to act on it if she comes anyway.

Tell DH that this is how it is going to be. You have bent over backward to allow his mother her visits, now it is YOUR turn and YOUR terms. If he dares to allow her to run over you again, you might want to consider if you want to put up with this crap forever.