Dealing with In-Laws

My DD's baptism is next week and it's been completely taken over by in laws. Now, they're Greek and I'm not, and I know that events like this have certain protocols and traditions, and for the most part, I'm fine with it, as these traditions are important to DH. My family isn't religious and I didn't grow up with the same traditions and expectations, so I'm happy to honour his.

My inlaws are Greek Orthodox, and in the Orthodox church, a child's godparents must also be Orthodox. When DD was born, SIL asked if her kids (both teenagers - I'll call them Max and Sue) could be DD's godparents. DH and I had already discussed asking them to do this, but I thought that SIL asking was a little presumptuous in asking us. I said we'd think about it, and then we asked our niece and nephew at a later date, and they both gladly accepted.

Then, a few weeks later in a conversation with SIL, she mentioned Max baptizing DD and when I said "oh, and Sue too", my SIL said, "no, just Max, Sue baptized their other cousin." Huh? You've just decided for me who my daughter's godparents will and won't be??? I said "well, I'd like DD to have a godmother and a godfather", SIL responded with "oh, she'll have a godmother someday when Max gets married. (Max is 15, by the time he gets married, DD will be too old to care!)

Okay, whatever. I was annoyed but didn't want to cause a huge scene about it, I've learned over the years to pick my fights, and I didn't want to ruin what is supposed to be a happy occasion. So, we booked the church (after FIL tried to tell me to do it at a different church than than the one we wanted) and MIL and FIL offered to have dinner afterwards at their house. Money is tight for us right now, so we happily accepted on the condition that we pay for everything and we were planning to do 90% of the cooking.

So, DH's aunt and uncle are coming from Greece for the event, arriving next week and we're finalizing all the plans, have set the menu, started cooking, ordered some additional catering, etc.

Today, I pick DD up from IL's and they tell me that they've decided not to have dinner at home, that we should go to a restaurant instead. I almost choked. I have no idea why they've decided to do this (but I suspect it's to show off to the relatives coming from Greece).I was caught a little off guard with this news, and said, "guess I'd better re-do the budget". FIL responded that he's already made a reservation (at a restaurant DH and I don't like) and that he's going to pay for it. I politely told him to cancel that reservation and that we'll find somewhere else. Neither DH nor I are comfortable with them paying, they're retired and on a fixed income and besides, it's not their responsibility.

So let's see, you've told me who my daughter's godparents will be, tried to tell me where she'll be baptized, and are now booking a crappy restaurant for her dinner? It's the Greek tradition that the godparents pay for the baptism (which SIL and BIL haven't done, we've paid for the $350 church fee - how do I tactfully ask them for that??) so now we'll have a giant restaurant bill to go along with it. We're obligated to buy Max a gift, and it won't be the iPod Touch it was going to be, because of the additional expenses. And, I'm in the middle of a crazy busy period at work, I barely have time to think, let alone run around and look for a restaurant.

So now DH has talked to his parents and they know we're not happy about this. Of course they called back 15 minutes later and left a message - "oh never mind, we'll do it at home like we planned." But now we're not comfortable with that. I'd cancel it for now and do it in the spring, but we have the overseas relatives arriving on Wednesday.

If I'd known this was going to happen, I would have baptized her when she was 2 months old, quickly and quietly.

Take a deep breath, step back from the situation, and just try to change your perspective a little bit. It sounds like you're going to give yourself a stroke over this party!

Since you're a busy working mom, maybe the best way to go is to look at your inlaws as doing you a huge favor -- they are taking a lot of pressure and work off of your hands by volunteering their time in making arrangements. From what you've written, I think maybe you are letting your pride get the best of you. I doubt that anyone thinks you're incapable of making these decisions and arrangements. This sounds like a big, loud, in-your-face kind of family -- they probably had no idea they were slighting you before the blowup about the reservations FIL made.

Like you said, this baptism is largely about DH's wishes and his family's traditions and religion. The inlaws sound like well-meaning people, even if they're a bit abrasive in the way they go about attempting to be generous. This might be one of those times you just roll with it. Accept their offer of using their house. Brush aside those feelings of discomfort -- this is clearly the most reasonable option for your budget and time constraints. Also, you might verbally acknowledge that your FIL was kind to offer the gift of a restaurant dinner (do you think that might have hurt his feelings that you refused?).  I think you're right that he was trying to impress the visiting relatives -- and you know that in that culture, that means a lot. No, it's not FIL/MIL's responsibility, but I'm betting this was a gift, versus feelings of obligation. Accepting their generosity does not make you a charity case; it makes you gracious.

In the big picture, do any of these details make your DD's baptism less special? Of course not. I would just be careful about hurting your inlaws' pride in an effort to spare your own... it might not be worth it. 

Sorry, I know this was a vent, but you just sounded so overwhelmed and maybe in need of a different outlook. I know how it is to have inlaws from a big, loud, very "involved" culture that doesn't value individualism the way I (and you?) do. In the end, you'll be a lot happier if you can let it all roll off -- as long as the intentions are kind, anyway! Good luck.

You hit the nail on the head, individuality is very important to me, I've never wanted my family events to be the same as everyone else's (you can only imagine the discussions that surrounded our wedding!)

I was feeling as though I had no say at in the entire process, from who the godparents would be, to the church, the date, the dinner, everything. (I don't even get to choose DD's outfit, that's done by the godparents.) DH and I talked about it this morning and we've decided that even though it's going to cost more money (like double our original budget), it will be much easier for us this way and probably more comfortable for everyone involved. I just wish that the IL's had let us know sooner that they were reneging on their house offer, but it is what it is and I've spent enough time worrying about it already. I think I even found the perfect restaurant last night, so I'll be stopping by on my way home from work tonight to have a look.

Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate it!