Dealing with In-Laws

I can't deal with my ILs anymore. Someone please tell me if I'm overreacting but I'm hoping someone will agree with me.

Facts:
My DH and I have been together for 8 years and married for 4. We live in the town where my DH grew up, just a mile away from his parents. DH is an only child. We just had our first baby a month ago.

Story:
It all started when my DH and I were dating. We would go to his house for Sunday dinner. Unfortunately during that time I felt completely unwelcome. His parents would speak in their native language - Portuguese, along with watching the (blaring# television and radio #at the same time# all in Portuguese. I figured this was just their behavior to my DHs girlfriends and I didn't take it too personally. Move ahead 3 years later when my DH and I moved in together and became engaged. Still no change. The ILs really didn't attempt to communicate with me at all or even acknowledge me. 

The wedding - my ILs didn't speak to me at all. They were clearly unhappy in all of the wedding photos and during the receiving line they ignored me and didn't hug me or speak to me at all! This was the same behavior throughout our wedding. We rented a limo to take our wedding party home from the airport #we were married in my hometown) and I was getting car sick because I was too hot. We asked the driver to cool it off but he told us we had the controls back with us. So since the ILs were sitting by the controls DH asked them to cool it off for me. They refused and said they were cold. End result - I'll spare the details but I've never been that car sick! What's up with that?

We announced we were pregnant several months ago and I actually felt like they attempted to open up to me. They started speaking a little bit of English at Sunday dinner and would turn down the Portuguese tv and radio. Well I had the baby just over a month ago and things have returned to normal. They don't speak to me. THEN they are so bossy when they are around the baby saying things like "Give me the baby", "Let me have him" ... ect. They don't ask - they tell. Oh, and our little boy is dealing with some major hip problems and is in a harness. Despite that my FIL pulls and tugs on his legs and hips. No matter how much I tell him (or my Dh tell him) he continues to do so.

My Dh's gma came over to see the baby and speaks very little English. She spoke several sentences to me and apologized profusely over and over for her bad English. My FIL interrupts her and says "eh, DH will translate". Really? I actually felt more welcome and loved by her in that meeting than my IL EVER. At least she attempted to communicate with me.

The thing that really bothers me is that my DH doesn't do anything. He knows how much I'm bothered by the Portuguese/English thing along with how pushy and suffocating they are.  I try to hold my tongue and ignore things but since its directly affecting my son now -- I refuse to sit by and take it. I'm thinking about going back home (18 hrs away) for a few weeks with my son before making any big decisions.

Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to feel this way?

Oh yeah...I wanted to throw in this example of their behavior...

DH and I were at our 2 hour childbirth class for the week. ILs called and we didn't answer so they decided they needed to come over and check on us. We weren't home. They headed back home and attempted to call several more times. Still no answer. They decided to head back over to our house to see if were were home yet. Nope, still not home. So they went to the hospital to the ER to see if I was in the hospital. They actually got the secretary to give them my file and they noticed that I was there for tests that morning. Come On! Really?

DH and I both confronted them about this behavior and they never said sorry or that they crossed the line.

(During Labor & Delivery DH called ILs to let them know things were happening and that we would call when it was over. Well MIL didn't listen and called when I was in end labor. Let me tell you...the phone ringing and ringing is sooooooo annoying when you're in L&D!!)

I am sorry about your in-laws, but want to point out two problems that are within your control to fix:

1) File a HIPPA violation against the hospital. Giving ANYONE (even your husband) access to your file is a serious breach of privacy laws. This is not something I'd ignore.

2) Turn off the phone when you don't want to be bothered. Really. Nobody gets to call me when I'm in labor. Phones will be turned off and anyone who doesn't like it can go suck an egg.

There's not much to say about the in laws themselves except that I'm sorry things are so difficult. My best suggestion is to start learning a little Portuguese. It might be seen as a sign of how hard you're trying to connect and make you feel a little less alienated. If they won't come to you on the language front, go to them.

Americans often get the blame for being so rude, but I have found that rudeness is universal. It is the height of rudeness to purposely shut someone out of conversation.

I would learn as much of their language as they can.

Your inlaws are rude and your husband is wrong for allowing them to act like that toward his wife. You are the priority, not them. Or at least you should be.

Limit your time with them severely. Do not just hand over your son. If they refuse to have the respect to ASK you to hold YOUR son, then they should keep their nasty hands to themselves.

If your husband doesn't like it, perhaps he ought to grow up and stand up for what is right.

I cannot believe he let you get ill instead of INSISTING that the a/c be turned on. I also cannot believe that the ILS were allowed to act like sourpusses at the wedding of their son. If my mom had acted like a jerk, I would have asked her to leave.

What really gets me is that he allows his family to pull on his son's legs after having hip issues. Does he not love his son?

I do agree that you should file charges against the hospital for giving out your private information. I also think that some time away from the ILS and your husband would do you some good.

Hi Desousa05, welcome to the board!

Your ILs are exhibiting rude behavior. However, your DH is also allowing it to go on and on. Has your husband said why he allows his family to treat you they way they do?

Maybe you need to take a class in Portguese so you can figure out some of what they are saying.