HI there i have a question for everyone regarding the upcoming holidays..My husband and i both deal with very distant families although we live only 30 minutes away we only hear from our families on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and its usually only to fight about who is doing a dinner..Heres my question.
How do i get it accross to BOTH our families that we just want to do our OWN thing on the holidays as we do year round? Our families DO not keep in touch, throughout the year..they DO not come to our childrens school events nor even call or EVER visit just to say hello etc..It took over 2 years for my sisters and sister n laws.to actually visit our new home after we had moved; even though it was only 30 miles away from town. I think the biggest dissapointment has been my husbands parents they are very selfish and into there own lives vs there grandchildrens..this isnt true with my husbands siblings as they are active in there lives and have always been with there children.
But at this point with our children the bond is just not there and it really never will be. Ill give you an example, my husband recently called to talk to his mom & dad, (which he always seems to try to keep in touch, they DO not) they usually talk for 5 minutes and on this particular call he mentions that my daughter was exposed to swine flu at school and he was worried etc..she was having cold symptoms and its now been a week and neither his mom or dad have called back to check on how our daughter was doing i think that was the final straw for my husband...
I think the saddest part is when the inlaws want to get together for a holiday its usually a 2 day last minute invite..and i will try to make my husband happy by agreeing thinking its good for the kids yet everyone is SO distant and out of touch it just feels just awkward..Ive even tried hosting events at my home..and invited both families and it has never been reciprocated at all.
My own sisters are like this as well. And here is my dilemna my husband pretty much said hell with both sides of the family and that if "ANYONE" calls regarding a holiday dinner that he will say if we arent good enough to keep in touch with thruought the year than dont bother calling us at all. And i have to agree this time id rather do my own thing for now on and just leave it at that. SO i guess im wondering if anyone else has had these experiences and if so how did you handle them? Any feedback is greatly appreciated...
Having struggled with "distance" and 'distant' relationships in my own family I understand your frustrations in dealing with family, especially during the holidays. Here's what I learned and perhaps will help you in dealing with this situation now and in the future.
1)Accept the fact your families are NOT going to do what you EXPECT a 'normal' family to do, i.e. care, call, visit, interact, have a relationship. Painful as it is, accepting the fact your families are not following a Norman Rockwell template will be liberating for both you and your husband. It's hard to do and takes some practice but trust me it will be freeing to you mind and heart. When you stop expecting people to behave "like they should" then you free yourself from disappointment when they don't.
2)Make your own holiday plans and stick with them. You all ready know you're going to get a "2-day"notice to attend some family dinner. Politely but firmly decline. All you have to say is "Thank you for inviting us, however, we've all ready made plans and we won't be attending." Period. You don't explain, negotiate or bargain. Just keep repeating the above phrase. If someone tries to guilt you or argue just say "I'm sorry but we have plans. I have to go now. Good bye." And hang up.
3)Repeat the above for any other situation. I know what's going on when you husband calls his parents to say one of your children is sick: He's hoping, somehow, that they'll be the kind of parents he wants so badly, i.e. parents who express concern and follow up. What you and your husband have to realize is they aren't capable of being those kind of parents and grandparents. To tell them anything of concern is setting yourselves up for major disappointment. So, my advice is stop sharing anything with your families that really is important to you. It's not going to matter to them because they have shown over and over again they don't care or can't care. Invest your relationship energies with those who show they do care, i.e. friends, other relatives, church family, etc.
Good luck and remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." Set those boundaries and be prepared to defend them.
We live several hours away from both of our families, in different directions, so we usually don't see both during holidays. We've been doing Thanksgiving at my family and Christmas with his but after we become married we will be alternating every 3rd year (one year at his, next at mine, the next at our home so we do not travel- we will probably be alone but that is perfectly fine with me- less bickering to listen to!). Our plan is to be straight up with them..."We won't be coming this year." They won't be driving up here and twisting our arms and yours can't make you go either.
Honestly I would say "Thanks but no thanks", plan your own meal for you, DH and your kiddos. Do your own thing- WHATEVER it is!! If you feel like asking them to join and then they don't, it's their loss and more food for you :) Spend this time with people who actually appreciate you guys!
They will never change; the change needs to come from you, do what you and your family want because yours doesn't seem very dependable or interested. Always wanted to go to the beach for the holidays rather than staying home and celebrate, then do it! You get my drift.
You are not alone in this - my family is not very close either (where as my DH's family is incredibly close).
So we do this type of alternating: Even years we have dinner at home and if anyone is my family wants to come they are always welcome. I don't ask them to bring anything at all, just show up or don't. The odd years we go to his family and my family is on their own.
That said, it doesn't take away all of the hurt, only the inconvenience of not havign to drive to them. For example, last year I planned dinner at my house. I have 5 brothers and sisters, 1 BIL, 2 SIL, 5 Nices/Nephews, 5 Great Nieces/Nephews plus 2 parents for them. That means with my family of 4, I was expecting up to 24 guests for dinner on Thanksgiving. They all RSVP'd either yes or maybe (not a single "no") and then on the day before a few people bailed but I was still at 16. On Thanksgiving morning the rest of them called to say they weren't coming. Clearly I had already been shopping by that time so here I had dinner ready for 24 to end up feeding 4. That's a lot of left overs and money spend that I didn't need to.
My husband is fully supportive of me continueing to put out the offer to come but he is really upset when he sees how hurtful it is when none of them bother to show up - and on the holidays where they do show up, they are generally 2-4 hours late so planning a sit down dinner is a joke.
I guess I keep doing it because they are my family and both of my parents are gone so it's up to us to either keep us together or give up - I'm not ready to give up yet (although I'm darn close) so I just know how they are and know that I only have to deal with hit 1 or 2 times every other year.
I say have dinner at your place, if any of them want to come, great if not, well then wish them a happy holiday and enjoy the view from the high road. :) Or, you can come to my house for dinner since I cleary end up with too much food anyways...LOL
My dh and I are at that point too. We plan on limiting our visiting w/ them this holiday season. We are here, down the block actually, all year long and barely see anyone (although we KNOW for a FACT they visit each other at least weekly) I think that has really hurt my dh.
It is also important to both of us that we balance and also incorporate some of MY family traditions into the holidays. Something that has been missing b/c we have quiet holidays and so far we have spent all of them w/ them and they consider the holidays just one big party (party meaning drinking).
So this year we plan on spending one evening w/ them - their choice - either xmas eve or xmas day. The other we will do our own thing. For thanksgiving we will go to the family dinner but we are also cooking our own dinner and if they want to see us they can come to us.
I think this is a huge step for us. I think although my dh might get a little sad, he may find it is nice it being just us. Now, all I have left is ot work on him for MY dream which is to spend xmas in a condo in Vail, Colo. Now to me THAT would be perfect. :) (yeah i know, dream on)
P.S. My dh is even considering considering (KWIM?) a job that is out of the area. We love our home and his job now is GREAT, but he finally is beginning to agree w/ me...what is the point of livig in this very expensive area w/ horrible schools if we don't even see the family? We actually saw them more when we were living in AZ and they had to drive 16 hrs to come see us!
Love 
