Dealing with In-Laws

Hi all,

I've been posting on this site for a couple of years...how sad :).  But, I must say the process is as good as therapy and a whole lot cheaper.  There have been some great advice given - and some advice that just "made my blood boil" - but still things that needed to be said and heard.

I just wonder- I've run the gammet with scenarios involving my IL's.  Mistreated grandchildren - God Like SIL - gets everything and can do nothing wrong - mistreated son - my DH  treated as though he's not as good as the sister.  In other words, favortism.  Ugly comments made that were really nothing more than attacks on me, or on my family.  Back stabbing - lies - trying to go around our wishes as a parents and family - and just on and on.  We've ignored, we've endured, we've confronted, we've been apart and we've been together as a couple on these issues. We've fought, we've seen counselors, we've kept our distance from  the IL's etc.  But, where we are right now - issues have been addressed, IL's refused to accept any wrong doing - we all agreed to move forward and we all still keep our distance.  My life has been pretty good - no more big fights lately with DH over this issue and really the only thing we've fought big time about.

But, even with all this, the IL's still continue to attack or bully - which is what I call it.  There are just always these little stabs at me.  Now they include - "oh, I think I just said something insulting to your wife" coming from my FIL - making light of the confrontation about our feelings being hurt.  Or, an email coming from my BIL - first one in over a year that insults the college my son attends (the one he worked so hard to get in to).   Or, my SIL telling us to keep a date open for her son's birthday and then us having to call the night before to find out what was going on or my SIL - putting up a bad picture of myself and DH with a nasty comment - something she was trying to make out to be a joke.

My MIL - saying "come see the scrap book that I finished the one that FIL asked you to do but you never did." 

These are all the things just recently and we aren't even around them hardly at all.  I just have to ask - what to do about this?  Talking to them doesn't work - and I'm not the type of person to be on guard all the time.  I can't ignore direct attacks anymore than someone could ignore a school yard bully.

My husband, just thinks we have to ignore it because we've tried discussing this with them and the only alternative is to just not have any more communication with them and I can tell he'll never be able to do that.  I just can't stand what they put me through and in fact how they treat him - although he just pretends it doesn't happen. 

They never call him, never stop by etc.  I've chosen to do the same to them now but he still tries.  He'll call them, stop over etc.  ...of course only to hear the BIL brag about one thing or another.  I just can't make myself do it. 

I've tried to be nice over and over and to put the past behind us but everytime I think we are making progress they send me another zinger.  And, of course I'm the bad guy because I won't put up with their crap.  Like with the picture - I emailed my SIL on facebook and told her to take the picture off - that I didn't think it was a good one and that it made fun of our Anniversary - I also told her not to post anything else of me without my permission.  I'm sure her and my MIL will go behind my back anyway - just out of spite.

I'm really starting to hate these people and that's probably the first time in my life that I can say I hate someone. 

They are coming to my house for Thanksgiving - so is my side of the family.  After that, it'll be only things that they invite us to and only if I can deal with it.  I just think they will continue until I refuse to go over there and then it'll just be more conflict for my DH. 

It truly feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I can't believe these evil people have so much control over my life.  Anyone ever feel this way?  I mean if they were strangers they could try and bully me and I'd set them straight and never see them or hear from them again.  Never look back...but how do you deal with having to see and be around a bully?

My husband put his foot down a couple years ago at the holidays. After the second year in a row that I left my mother's home in tears he informed me that he cannot control my actions and will not tell me what I may or may not do myself... but that he was not attending further holidays with my folks and he could not in good conscience allow me to subject my son to them either.

Sometimes it requires the spouse to disengage to help the adult child see that the behavior is out of hand. I could not have made that decision on my own but once he laid that out for me... it became a lot easier.

What you can do is to refuse to be around if they behave like this. If you do visit, be ready to get up and leave the minute they become abusive. If the bullying is this bad, there is no way you need to subject yourself to it. You cannot stop DH if he insists but you can stay out of the blast zone. You are not required to visit, phone or be Facebook buddies with people who suck, regardless of who they are related to.

So, your dh helps you right? He gets the house all cleaned, prepares it for people to spend the night (if anyone does) and helps cook? Not to mention yard work, shopping, etc. Right? Well, if he doesn't then YOU get to decide who comes to dinner JMHO. 

I say do NOT tolerate them in your home. What on earth have they done to deserve your hospitality? If you host them in your home you are teaching them that it is OKAY to treat you the way they have. You are saying, sure, go ahead give me some more please!

If you are making all the food for thanksgiving then I say make reservations at a very nice restaurant and let them know the morning of thanksgiving that you will be meeting at xyz for dinner at x o'clock.

If they are bringing food, let them know exactly one week before thanksgiving that the dinner will be held at xyz at x'o'clock.  (If you can get away w/ split tickets $$ do it otherwise, just pay. It's worth the money not to have them in your home)

Edited to add: Oh, and if they don't like the restaurant idea say, Oh, that's IS a shame. So shall we count you out? Okay, well happy thanksgiving. (and then you can do a happy dance)

If your family is coming in and staying w/ you then have a family dinner w/ them the night before or after.  If the il's are stasying w/ you call and let them know that having guests isn't going to work out right now and you have emailed them a list of motel/hotels in the area. (Do not go into any details about why they can't stay w/ you - it isn't hteir business. Just keep saying sorry about any inconvience, it just isn't going to work)

My dh and I have worked hard to make a home. It is our soft place to fall. It is our everything we do here it is okay place. We do not tolerate people who can't respect us enought o be polite while in our home. I dont' think you should either. And if it comes down to il's coming over or fighting w/ dh I'd let him know it is fine if he has them over, then the night before while I pack to go to dinner at my own parents house, let him know that the turkey goes on at 5am and the rest of the ingredients are in the pantry. (once again, teachign people, including the dh, how to treat you - if you want this dinner sooo bad you are willing to sacrifice respect for our marriage then cook it your own darn self! ). But maybe that's just me.

Another option is to cancel everything and happen to be out of town (I like htis option best!)

Hello,

I am so sorry to hear that your IL's are treating you this way.  You should not have to put up with it.

When your FIL says  "oh, I think I just said something insulting to your wife" what does your DH say to him?  Does he tell him to stop it? or does he say nothing?  IMHO IL's treat us the way they can if we allow it or our DH does and says nothing.  I hope that DH is supporting you.  I know it can be hard for them to stand up to family.

As for the emails from BIL.  You can't control what he says or sends to you.  If he wants to be insulting, I'm sure he will.  Do yourself a favor and stop reading his emails.  There were some relatives of my DH who used to send offensive emails over and over again, even after I asked them not to.  I no longer subject myself to them - I refuse to read any emails from them not matter what the content. 

When SIL asks you to keep a date open for her son's birthday, have DH contact her to find out what's going on.  I wouldn't suggest not attending the party, I wouldn't punish a child for SIL ignorant behavior.

Oh! Your SIL has the same sense of humor that mine does.  The more you show them that what they do bothers you, the more they will do things to egg you on.  As hard as it is, don't say anything to them about pictures on facebook and other things like that.  Try the best you can to ignore their bullying and rude comments.  It sounds like they know exactly what they are doing and if they know they have made you upset they will just keep going. Just like with any bully, if they don't get a response they move on to the next victim.  I agree with DH that YOU should ignore their behavior but HE should confront HIS FAMILY about how they are treating HIS WIFE.

Please don't think that I am saying you should tolerate any of the things they are doing.  As far as I'm concerned you should spend as little time with this family as possible.  They have made it crystal clear how they feel about you by the way they treat you.  It's time that your DH sees that and stops subjecting you to their behaviors. 

You said that you have tried to be nice over and over again - they truly do not deserve all the effort that you are putting into these relationships and they do not deserve to share in your holiday.  I understand that you are doing this for your DH, I have tolerated a great deal of crap from my IL's for my DH's sake.  I sat in my own kitchen listening to my SIL say that none of them liked me from the beginning.  Unfortunately we swallow alot when we are trying to make our DH happy.  I just hope that he realizes what you are doing for him and stands up to his family when they start putting you down.

Thank goodness your family will be there for Thanksgiving.  Hopefully that will be like a buffer for you.

I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place for well over a decade, since I said I do.  I'm going to keep going until the day I say "I don't".

I hope you can tolerate Thanksgiving, if not there is still time to change your plans.  Take care!!!  Keep me posted