So my FMIL has a tradition on Christmas Eve that all her family goes to her father's house for Christmas eve to open presents and hang out. I am new to this future family. My family of course will be coming up, my mother and sister. I have told her that my family will be coming up way before (like months before). So when she invites me to her "family only" Xmas eve. I ask her if there is room for my family since they are coming up, and she has this huge blowup. She says my family isn't invited to Xmas eve at her father's because the aren't family. I explain to her they don't live in our state of residence and have no where else to be (no friends, or family here for them). I told her it's rude to leave my family alone on xmas eve to be with hers. It's just two people! She still won't listen to reason. She insists that it would be akward (she has met my mother and sister on numerous occasions so I am not bringing over strangers. They all get along very well) She insists that just because my family will be here, nobody should have to buy presents for them. None of my family expects presents from them, we have our own presents. I said it wouldn't be weird. Leaving my family at home is weird when they could be chatting and having fun. So I said then I will not be attending. She acts like I have declared war. My poor fiance is torn between sticking up for me or making his mother happy. The ending result was he went there for two hours while I stayed home with my family. This was last year. Now christmas eve is coming up again. The new change is my sister moved up here to be closer to me and I am happy about it. My sister has hung out with them plenty of times, so again no stranger to my fiance's family. My mother won't be with us, just my sister. My FMIL is dead set against my sister going to Xmas eve just like last year. Now if my fiance goes, he feels like he is abandoning me and my sister. He respects his mom and her tradition. However, if she insists on treating me and associating me with her family she should respect mine. Right? Am I wrong here? If I don't go again, it will cause mother in law issues that I want to avoid for my fiance's sake. I usually get along with his mother. Whenever the holidays come around though, war is declared. She insists family is important to her. Why can't she respect that my family is important to me too. Am I the bad guy or is she? I am tempted to suggest having Christmas eve at me and my fiance's home so there won't be any more problems. But, I get the feeling she wouldn't accept. And this year my fiance is working on Christmas. So we can't split him up. He should be relaxing and not worrying about his mother. If she loves him, she would accept my family and not cause him grief. What do I do? This doesn't look like a promising relationship for the future.......
Ahhhh the joy of Christmas! It's a tough one. I think you do offer to host the whole family at your home. Now that she lives near you, does your sister have any friends that she could spend Christmas Eve with? I'm really torn on this one. On one hand, I think the host makes the guest list, and the guests don't get to invite guests. OTOH it does seem like your MIL is being a real turd in not inviting your family. And if I had a third hand, I'd be wondering why she gets to decide who is invited to her father's house.
That may be your solution. (Really want to start WWIII?) Have your fiance ask his grandfather if your sister can come along. Make MIL's wishes irrelevant. Not her home, not her guestlist. (Seriously, your poor sister -unless she is up for some troublemaking-don't put her in the place of being somewhere she isn't wanted on Christmas Eve.)
I think you stay home, let your fiance decide, then have a long talk with him about a lifetime of separating at the holidays because his mother wants to have her family exclusively.
When a person shows you who they are; believe them.
The problem is so complicated yet so simple, you know? If I didn't care about my fiance's feelings I would tell her to go F herself. But for the sake of harmony, I am trying to be nice. I don't want my poor guy to go through this drama. But I feel like if I don't stick up for myself and my fiance doesn't stick up for us, FMIL will just walk all over us in the future. She will always assume her way or no way. And I am the only one who has complained thus far. So I look like the jerk.
Here's the deal. Your fiance is going to have to take a stand at some point. You can't save him from his mother. Before you marry him, you need to know that he will be an adult, use his own judgement, and be willing take your or MILs unhappiness with his choices. You need to know that he's not telling her, "Moooom, I'd do what you want, but sheeeee won't let me." or telling you , "Huuuunnn, I know you are right, but sheeeeeee is my mother". It's probably good that this is coming up now. It's not so much about his mother as it is about his reaction to his mother. You need to know that he will actually say, "this is what I think is the right thing to do, if you don't like it, be mad at me." Trust me, this is the first problem with conflicting loyalties not the only one.
When a person shows you who they are; believe them.
You say that you normally get along with your FMIL. So, I'm sorry to hear you're having problems with your FMIL concerning the holidays. This is supposed to be one of the most joyous times of year, but with the tug-of-war between families it ends up being the most stressful. If only we could all get along.
When families grow or become blended then the old traditions need to change. It sounds as if your FMIL is having trouble letting go of HER old traditions. If family is so important to her then she should show you by making you and your family (which will eventually be her family too!) feel welcome and be a part of their traditions.
SHE is putting your future husband in a situation where he has to choose between her and you. She is wrong for that.
If my family were coming in from out of town I would not leave them either. If she wants to exclude them, then she is excluding you too. This is when your fiance needs to sit down with his mom and explain that you and your family are his family now too and if she does not want them there then he will not be there. In the end, it is her choice. She's choosing to be stubborn and not want to adapt her traditions, at her father's house, NOT HERS, to be welcoming to her future family. Is this just FMIL feeling this way or is your fiance's grandfather thinking the same way? It is at his house. Doesn't he have any say so on who gets invited?
If you and your fiance bring gifts for your mom and sister then nobody should feel obligated to buy them a gift. They will each have gifts to open and will not feel awkward or uncomfortable. The greatest gift your FMIL could give you would be to include your family in their families' holiday celebration. That's what Christmas is all about. Good Luck! Let me know how things go.
Love 
