Dealing with In-Laws

WoW!  Glad I found this board!

Anyway, here goes.  Long story short my SIL got married and moved about 2 hours away 10 years ago.  She has moved further & further over the years & now lives 14 hours away.

She has HUGE family issues.  She is constantly depressed saying that she misses everything that goes on here.  She has convinced her parents that when she was young they paid more attention to her siblings than her so that they will run to her side (about 4 times a year, always on my kids birthdays so my MIL hasnt made it to eithor of my kids 2 birthdays in 3 years).

That being said Christmas this year... so my SIL calls & says that the adults are drawing names and the kids are also exchanging names... fine, whatever.  TODAY I call to find out what kids I have and Im told by another SIL that we arent drawing names for Christmas at all until June when the SIL who lives away can be here.  SO- the entire Christmas gift thing is completely on hold while the rest of our families wait for the one who moved...

Am I insane or is this nuts?  Our family cant have Christmas because ONE part of it wont be here?   We may as well call Christmas "Thanksgiving"... 

Its rediculous that she cannot just accept that she CHOSE to move away (for more Money) & that she cant keep guilting us into moving our plans around just because she isnt able to come.  UGH! 

PS- my MIL is missing my sons birthday in 3 weeks again this year because she is going to visit the SIL again... AMAZING 

JMHO...

It is your MIL who has missed your son's birthday. No one held a gun to her head and made her go. It was her choice. Lay that blame where it belongs...which is squarely on her shoulders. Example - if she KNOWS 3 weeks in advance she is going to sil's house then it isn't an emergency. It is a planned trip she has CHOSEN to do. Accept that. Sure, SIL probably invites her, but *MIL* is accepting of this. And BTW, My mil always take her vaca during my sons b-day as well. Even when he was born, the first grandson/grandchild in the family - she wasn't gonna miss her trip floating down the river in Arkansas (even though she was retired at the time and would be out NO MONEY to delay it a few days as she was staying w/ friends) The good news - in a few yrs your son won't want "family" parties, he'll want parties w/ his friends anyway.

Next, HOlidays - if the rest of the family chooses to wait to have their holiday that is their CHOICE. You do not have ot wait to have anything. Stick a turkey in the over and stick up a tree and have it w/ yoru spouse and kids. No need to discuss this w/ them either - if they think someone w/ children will delay xmas they must have cranberry sauce for brains.   Later, if they have a party and you want to attend then do so. If you don't mind doing gifts w/ them at that time then do so.

SIL sounds like she is trying very hard to be the matriarc (sp?) of the family and everyone is tolerating this. YOU do nto have to in yoru own home. Holiday when you want, do what you want w/ gifts and get this...you don't have to tell htem about it b/c this is YOUR life and you don't need their validation. You and your dh have your own family w/ yoru children. Make your own way in life and THAT should be your focus - if you participate in extended family gatherings - take htem for what they are, some nice visitng w/ family adn who cares about WHEN they happen or why jsut enjoy and then relish that you get to go home WITHOUT THEM!

Hi Merelybeingme, welcome to the board!

I don't think the entire family should have to be on hold to wait for the out of town SIL. The world does not revolve around your SIL.

Maybe you can let his family know that you will buy everyone a gift with a certain dollar amount, or just buy for the kids and that's it. That you can't wait for the out of town SIL to decide when everyone can pick names for Christmas gifts, and ONE person should not dictate what the rest of the family does.

Thanks for the thoughts.  I realize that the MIL is CHOOSING to visit the SIL, it just amazes me that one person can control so much in a family of several siblings... but I understand that we have our own family. 

It just makes it hard for the kids.  We always do family parties because the family is actually really close and they notice when grandma isnt there again.  If it didnt involve the kids then I wouldnt care less what the MIL or the SIL did.  It just feels like this is all done on purpose and that really bothers me and now its affecting the family Christmas, its just frustrating.  

Thanks again for the input, I was just venting  :o)

Hi,

I would assume it is done on purpose because in all likelihood it is.  But, you've been given some really good advice.  I don't think I fully understand - other than the drawing for gifts what else would the family expect to post-pone.  I can't imagine that they would just let Christmas come and go without getting together just because the one sibling is out of town.

Then, the idea of waiting until the sibling comes in June - what's supposed to happen - everyone gets together on one day - draws names - runs out to the store and then gets together for another day to exchange - like the one poster said - that sounds like cranberry sauce for brains idea.

Don't let this agenda by the out of town SIL - damper your holidays.  You are in complete charge.  Have the kids make something for the family members .  They have these neat websites now where the kids can draw a special picture and it can be turned into a coffee mug, magnets, shirts - all kinds of things.  Invite the family over - celebrate and give these as gifts - they are truly thoughtful - not too costly and a way to celebrate the season without feeling stressed.

What someone else decides doesn't have to be what you decide - welcome to the board.