Divorced Moms

My ex and I had a very rocky marriage but we gave it everything we had for the five years we were married. However when we both decided that our marriage could not be saved and realized that neither one of us wanted to try to save it any longer, we decided to get divorced. At that point, even though we were still legally married, we considered our marriage over and neither one of us had any problem with starting to date other people. We considered the fact that we had filed and were getting divorced an acknowledgement that the marriage was over.

I have many friends who have been the ones who have filed and they felt the same way. Even in situations where the divorce may not have been wanted by both parties, once they made the decision to file, in their minds the marriage was already over.

For myself and these other people, the effort and attempts at trying to save the marriage happened BEFORE we filed. It was only when we knew there was no hope at all that we decided to end the legal ties of the marriage. So by that time all the energy, sadness, tears, and hopefullness were already long gone and we were more than ready to move on with our lives.

It seems however, that when the decision is not mutual or someone was not the person who filed, the attitude is much different. At that point it seems like that person thinks that there is hope to get the marriage back together even after the filing has occurred. I'm just curious to know what everyone thinks about this. I never had any problem with my ex dating someone once we filed because we no longer had a marriage. It was over, only the business of finalizing all the legalities remained. However, my boyfriend and his wife have been separated for months but she refuses to cooperate. She no longer speaks to him, but is doing everything possible to try to drag this out. Yet, whenever someone mentions me she makes a big deal out of saying that we are having an affair. Well we didn't even start to date until months after they had filed and we were very open about the fact that we are dating.

So, at what point does it become okay to start dating. I know a couple who have been in the process of divorcing for three years but the wife doesn't want it for financial reasons. Her husband started dating someone over a year into the divorce yet she tells everyone he is having an affair. Just curious to know everyone's opinion.

And, as long as someone is legally married, they are committing adultery if they get involved with someone else.

There is something that's called the one-year rule, that says you should't get involved until 1 year after your divorce is final. That is supposed to allow time for emotional healing and getting back on your feet.

I guess the whole issue with the "adultery" thing is that I don't beleive you can be committing adultery if there is no longer a marriage. I believe that the thing that "makes" a marriage is the emotional commitment the two people have to one another. Once those two people have decided that there is no longer that commitment, the only thing that remains is the business of severing the legal ties.

Of course, if the person hasn't filed for divorce and made it clear that the marriage is over, that is a completely different thing.

My state is a no fault state so the courts wouldn't care even if someone had been having an affair, it can't even be brought up in court.

Yours may be a special case because as I remember, you were friends with your now BF and his wife for the last few years. The BF wife probably feels somewhat betrayed because she looked upon you as a friend. Even though you say you didn't start dating until after the divorce was filed she rightly or wrongly probably has suspicions. This creates a very volatile situation. Look for this volatility to go on a long time...........

I think it's a matter of technicalities and semantics.  If you're separated, you're still legally married.  Thus dating is technically adultery.  It doesn't matter if the state is no-fault......

In addition, knowing in your heart that the marriage is over and being ready to date are two different things.   I don't think it's a good idea to go from one relationship to the next without really discovering who you are and what you want and need in life.  It wouldn't really give you enough time to learn from your mistakes!  First marriages have a 50% chance of failure.  Second marriages have over a 60% chance of failure, but the longer time between marriages, the better off you are.

My XH get remarried 21 months after we separated and 7 months after the divorce was final.  I'm giving the marriage 6 years, only because I feel generous about it...... But I won't be surprised AT ALL when he tells me they're splitting up.