Divorced Moms

HELP!
I have no idea what to do about this situation or if I can do anything.

DS brought up something last weekend, voluntarily, as I don't ask him about X and OW anymore. DS is not a talker, he is the type that when you ask him about his day, he says "fine" and doesn't want to go into details. This apparently happened several weeks ago and he is just now bringing it up to me.

He had told before, after X announced his engagement, that X wanted him to be his best man. DS is 10. And that X had told him that the wedding would be in the backyard or maybe Hawaii. I didn't say anything negative about any of this. I said nothing.

So DS was last weekend telling me he doesn't want to go to their wedding, that he doesn't want to be the best man. When I asked him why, he started crying and saying that a wedding is supposed to be a happy day, that you are supposed to be glad the two people are getting married, and he does not want X to marry OW. He said maybe if X ever married someone else who wasn't involved with his dad while he was married, he wouldn't be bothered. I was stunned. I knew DS wasn't happy about it, but I know he likes her, or did, and sort of accepted the situation.

As you may know, OW moved in with X a few weeks ago, and DS has been becoming increasingly unhappy with her. DS is afraid to talk to X about this, he is afraid X will be mad at him or tell him he is being "disrespectful". X used to ask DS (according to DS)if he should marry OW. DS told him no, he just wanted them to be friends. I finally realised at some point that DS thought, in fact was SURE, X would do what DS wanted, so at the time I told him that adults sometimes make decisions that kids don't agree with, and that X would probably marry her. I think DS thought because his dad was asking him what he thought, DS would have the final say.

So DS told me "Mom, you were right" and he is extremely upset with his dad and the situation. DS also told me that when the 3 of them were having a discussion about the wedding and best man thing, DS told them he "is not really a wedding person and maybe didn't want to go". (This just breaks my heart, he is trying not to HURT THEIR FEELINGS)
He said OW then said to him: "Well when your mom ever gets married then maybe you can't go to the wedding!"

WHO DOES THIS SKANK THINK SHE IS? And why is X apparently letting her say these things and doing nothing? My god, they deserve each other, and X does not deserve DS in his life at all!

DS had not talked to his dad about this since. He wanted me to call and the two of us to talk to him. If I tried to tell X he would accuse me of lying or say DS tells me what he thinks I want hear. Excuse me, I can TELL when my son is genuinely upset and telling the truth. We have many discussions about being honest and upfront.

So I left a message on X's cell phone late Saturday night. He was in Vegas with OW. I gave him the general info, and said DS wanted me to do this.

X called Sunday AM and said he would talk to DS about it. He has DS until Wednesday and he picked him up from school today. I have a feeling he is going to tell DS OW had nothing to do with divorce, which is not true, and DS knows better because he has been living this situation with his dad moving in and out, and lying to both of us about her, etc., so DS is not going to buy it. X can say whatever he wants, but DS knows he is lying.
I think X and OW will force DS to attend a wedding and may or may not force him to be best man. DS is very sensitive and I could see him crying at the wedding, and the two of them threatening him with something if he doesn't act perfect or cries. It would wreck their little fairy tale wedding in la la land. And they also wouldn't want people asking why isn't your son here? Appearances would be more important than DS's feelings, especially the skanky OW's. So any of you betraying lurkers out there, if you think that everything will end up like some fairy tale, the kids will love you and accept you , think again.

I may just say my piece one time, leave a message for X that he shouldn't force anything on DS, even attending the wedding, they should elope or wait a couple of years for DS's sake. But I think I will just be talking to deaf ears, obviously they are both extremely selfish and self-centered, and nothing will matter except what they want. There is probably not one single thing I can do.

Has anyone dealt with this? Can I refuse to let DS go to wedding since he doesn't want to go? Any advice at all, please.

~HOLLY~

Really, what can you do...?

If it was me, I would probably have a big talk with him, tell him that you know he isnt happy about the wedding, but that sometimes you just have to get through a day. Maybe tell him to just get through it, and do something special right after? Go away for the weekend with him somewhere fun. Tell him any time that he feels sad, to think about the fun you are going to have in just a few hours! Poor kid to have to go through that. Its too bad the dad wants to put him through this. But I wouldnt strain the kid/dad relationship by not having him there if the dad really wants him there. It will linger for so long if he isnt there, and he will feel guilty (your son) if his dad holds a grudge...and the OW will forever feel ostracized, it will just be a mess. Unfortunately she is there so you just need to make the best situation out of what it is...

Here is a HUGE leap of faith...but is it possible that you could attend with your son? I am sure he would feel better if you were able to go to the wedding. I know it would be horrible, but if it were my son or daughter and I were in your situation, I would ask to go as support for my son. Not to make waves, not to sit there with a pout on my face...just to help my son bridge into this new life he is forced to accept. I would do it with a smile on my face, for him. Sort of a way to tell your son that it is OK. I know that this would require all parties to cooperate..but can you imagine how therapeutic it would be for your son, to see you accepting everything going on and helping him to make the leap? Just a thought.

Since I am not a regular poster here, but on BSSG, no one here knows the history of this divorce and the horrible things X and OW have done.

There is no way I am going to attend the wedding of two people such as these.

I am simply going to have a talk with DS and tell him not to feel guilty or worry about hurting the feelings of any of the adults. He is to do what he wants to do. If he wants to attend, fine, I have said nothing and won't. But if he doesn't, he is not to worry about hurting X or OW's feelings, they cared not a wit when they lied and did their back and forth (2 divorce filings, dismissal because X wanted to reconcile, him moving back in numerous times, OW moving in and out with him, H lying to both DS and I about seeing her, etc.) with me for the past 5 years. DS is a child, he had nothing to do with this mess, it was simply thrust upon him, and the adults need to deal with the fallout, good or bad.

DS never wanted his dad to marry OW, when his dad asked his opinion over and over, DS told him no, he wanted her to be only a friend in his life. I had told him at the time they would probably marry, to give him some time to get used to it.
A little history:
1998: H starts spending nights away from home, on our "boat" within one month on my mom passing away. I am sure this is when the affair with his much younger coworker started.
1999: Jan., takes all of clothing and moves to "boat", I still trust him nothing is going on, we are going through a rough spot, divorce never mentioned. He works long hours and always has, easy for him to make excuses. June, moves back in. Sept., moves back out into one of our rental houses. I am now getting susispicious, zeroing in on HER. Oct, DS and I drive to rental house as H's boss had tried to get hold of him (H wanted to separation to be a secret from work. How dumb could I be?!) on cell, etc. DS and I find H with OW.
2000: We are to reconcile, X swears he is no longer seeing OW. June: He moves back in and back out 3 weeks later. I file for divorce. During the rest of the year, X says he wants to come back and takes me to dinner on our 21st anniversary in Dec. I find out several days later it is all a lie, he is seeing her and hasn't stopped.
2001: X wants to reconcile in June, we dismiss divorce. He is to move back in our house the weekend after 9/11. We were taking things slowly. The day before 9/11, I drive to his house and discover him with OW. He moves her in with him the next month. We file for
divorce again in Dec.
2002: X kicks OW out in April. He starts hinting about a reconcilation, promises DS and I he is not seeing OW. One month later when DS is at his house, DS wakes up, hears her laughing, and sees a new car. DS tells me H lied to both of us, H swears it was not her, has be believing DS made it up,but later admits he was lying.
2003: Divorce continues SLOWLY, is final 9/10 last year.

That is strictly the bare bones, but you can see how much back and forth there has been.
DS has been witness to all of it. DS and I are both in family counseling together to deal with the fallout. Thank goodness the counselor agrees with me that it is not my job to make nicey-nice with X and OW, they have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
X is going to have explain to DS as he gets older why he made the choices he did and all the lying, it is simply my job to remain neutral and not condemn.

As for OW maybe being ostracized, it is called Karma. I don't think someone should expect to have an affair with a married man with a small child and expect to live happily ever after. I can't control what they do over there, and the counselor says to only do what I can when DS is with me. It is okay for DS to feel uncomfortable with her. I can't fix what they did. That is THEIR job. DS goes to a parochial school and has been taught from day one that what his dad did is wrong. He announced in kindergarten that his dad had a girlfriend! Because of the actions of two very selfish people, there can never be a perfect solution to this. I just don't add to anything by being negative.