Recognizing & Dealing w/ Domestic Abuse

Its SO rare I get time to check in - but I wanted to give an update that KARMA has FINALLY come to my XH.

For those who dont know my story, I left my alcoholic abusive X in FEB 05 (well, he was removed by the police for threats to kill me in very precise ways) & this May will be the 4 yr mark of being divorced  :)   He continued to be extremely emotionally abusive to our dd who is now 9, & thru MANY court dates & MANY $$$ & MANY set backs, he finally lost visitation - although we sitll have joint custody, the judge stopped all visitation a year ago this month. I had withheld visitation basically the whole year prior due to his abuse of her, & he saw her about 3X in the spring of 08, with the family psyc, & he coudlnt hold it together then, so the psyc agreed to stop visitation - & the court was going along with it. In July 08, a horrible court mediator was assigned, & he forced ME to do a supervised visit, which ended in XH threatening suicide IN FRONT OF 8 yr old DD at the time. Thats when I said i would go to jail b4 he saw her again. In Oct 09 I had to get a RO against him for me, & in court, the psyc testified that he was a danger to her.

In 4 years & 12K in atty bills, (following divorce),  I coudlnt get a judge to listen to me - nor a mediator, nor a Gaurdian ad litum. Isnt it FUNNY that as soon as the old MALE judge leaves the bench & a female is assigned, XH gets the crap beat out of him verbally by the judge & loses visitation? Sad but true, but it took a woman to see what was going on. & I had HEAPS of proof of his abuse, including testimony from the family psyc & dd's counselor, yet NO ONE LISTENED ... or cared. The he started to slightly step over the line of pysical abuse (he pushed her off his front steps b/c he was mad at her for calling me to come get her b/c she was scare of him).  Luckily the judge gave the family psyc the power over visitation rights, & she also have me a 3 yr criminal RO for me. Let me tell you how SANE life has been for us with him not able to contact me, or see Averey. The judge also madated XH to mental health treatment & meds if they deemed necessary, in order for the psyc to even BEGIN to conisider visitation to begin again.

All this time his atty was a family friend, so did all the millions of court dates for no charge. I was going broke, & XH continued to defy court orders, & kept costing me $ ... he promised me when I filed for D "I will make you broke taking you to court over & over, b/c I wont get charged, but you will".

Well .... Karma #1 :  His friend, his atty, was made a judge this past month, & transferred his case to his partner. That means XH will have to pay someone.

Karma # 2: That atty knew us early in our marriage, & I have been his kids room mom for 2 yrs at school. That atty refused the case & they told XH to find a new firm to represent him b/c they wont. Hahahahahahahaha .... So, no visitation with his child, AND no atty. AND no money to get one. No way in hell he has money for a retainer.

Karma # 3: I owe him 40K this May. The 2nd 1/2 of the settlement that I was buying him out of our house - RI 50/50 Law - EVEN THOUGH the down payment was  mine, AND his income in the whole 7 yrs we owned the house was 17% of what I made over hte years b/c he never worked or continually was fired, or quit at a whim - I paid 80% of the mortgage & everything else. Well, guess what? wiht the housing market drop, i cannot refi to pay him out. If he wants money, that I dont have, he will have to bring me to court. He has no money TO do that, nor a free atty anymore. Let HIM try to get $ from ME for once, since Ive spent thousands trying to get him to pay CS, atty fees ordered to me, co-pays for dd, etc.

Karma # 4 :  Apparently he called the psyc this week to see if he could get tx, to start seeing dd again.  The psyc (told to me BY the psyc) told him "Sure, we can start treatment again, AFTER YOU PAY THE $800 YOU OWE ME".  Due ot all the court reports & court appearances by the psyc, we owed $1600. I cover alll the health insureance & co-pays, but the judge orded this bill SPLIT b/w us. XH tried to tell the psyc this week that I was supposed to pay his portion. The doc said "No, Ive got the order right here & you owe $800". The psyc said to me "I am not going to enable this guy like you did all those years, & like his atty has all these past years. He needs to show responsibilty AND dedication to reunification with his child, & the 1st step is taking responsibility to pay this bill to get back into treatment. He skirts EVERYTHING in his life, & will likely continue forever".

So --- thats it. Lots of news all of a sudden, & FINALLY, it goes MY way, AND most importantly, continues to keep dd safe from his barage of mental & emotional abuse.

I on the other hand am living a wonderful life with dd. I love my job (L&D RN), my family, my pups, & have been dating a great guy for the past almost 8 months. Im pretty sure it wont be a lifelong relationship, but its exactly what I need & want right now, & we are very happy.

Hang in there - the road can be VERY VERY rough. But eventually, if you dont give up or give in, you can come out on teh other side, stronger & the better for it.

R~  (pics of dd attached, & my new guy ... well, not so new anymore! lol)

Mad about?  .... That the psyc said I enabled XH? If thats what you mean, its only the truth. I enabled him all our relationship AND so many years after, trying to help him & fix him & rescue him. Its totally the truth.

If you meant should I be mad that the psyc "wont enable him now" by letting him out of his bill in order to get counseling ... as far as Im concerned for X to commit to being a good father (of which I dont think he is capable), he needs to face up to his mistakes & responsibilities, not terf it ot other people, & be responsible to the things & people he is supposed to - & if thta means paying a bill in order to get to the next step of seeing his dd, then I think a couple less nites in the bars a month, he would be able to save up the $ & get it done.

Thanks