Recognizing & Dealing w/ Domestic Abuse

Ok..I am so disgusted with myself. I have an apartment lined up that I am supposed to sign lease today. DD (12) is on board with me..in this case, SHE is the one who has been wanting to get out as well. Background - the usual verbal, emotional, anger crap from him. Big power struggle between him and DD. Couple of weeks ago, he and DD had a big showdown and I can guarantee something would have happened if I wasn't around. Basically he tries to inflict unreasonable rules on her and comes on her hard (like he used to do with me) and been a teenager, she is not putting up with that. So my decision to leave was triggered not just for me but for her as well. Ok..Fast Forward 2 weeks. He is a bit better ("honeymoon" period I guess). He is even taking her to school 2/week and bringing her back. He even got take out dinner yesterday. So things are sort of normal. Of course he is still nitpicky in kitchen (why is this not in right place..etc..etc). But I can handle that and ignore.

DD still wants to get out..(he has taken her stuff away and she says she is tired of his moods). But now I am vacillating again. For DD, she thinks things will be ok..if we just stay apart..but she doesnt know the other consequences of what might happen. I havent been able to sleep or work, maybe I am paralyzed with fear.
We have a mortgage..I am trying to think of the scenarios. He may threaten to leave, in that case, my lawyer will instruct house to be sold..The other thing is my cats..I can only take one to the apt..Third thing DD - he can still turn around his charm on her and she can turn against me in a jiffy too...(once the lawyers get involved).

anyway..I am just going through everything in my mind..and I am starting to think..is it worth it..actually now I am thinking..should I wait for the holidays to be over? Again, there never is a good time. I just feel frozen, scared of finances, in some ways, scared to leave our house..and I just dont know anything anymore..My friends are saying..if you are not ready, dont do it coz you will come back again. Now I know it is so much easier if he were to just leave. But he isn't going to do that..but emotionally it would have been so much better..

Any thoughts, advice ??

If you're on the fence I say to just stay there for now.  Give yourself some time to think.  Give it a few months.  Be good to yourself and just try to keep the stress down to a minimum.

Because I think if you're not 100% sure u want to leave right now, you will end up coming back.  It won't solve the problem of the way he is with your daughter, he'll end up with visitation, then your daughter is there by herself, for whole weekends to have to fend for herself.  I think you'll find yourself in another set of problems, having to pay for the apt, the divorce, the lawyers, etc. 

He's going to continue to be a jerk, but just give yourself time to really be sure.  When you are angry enough you will leave.  Right now you're not ready yet.  If he becomes a jerk so much to the point he gets violent, call the cops, and he WILL be out. 

sweets35, thanks so much for replying. I feel same that my set of problems will be replaced by a new set of issues..and if I am not ready to deal with those..I should bide my time..though I know sometimes things get worse before they get better..

But I am tired of doing whatever he wants..to keep the peace. right now, he is being v bossy to my DD..and she is not going to be submissive. He has given her some timeout..taken her stuff away..(I am not giving details as it is risky..) and he has no deadline of when he will give it back..Maybe I confront him on his discipline style..I have been trying to..but he starts to yell at me..and doesnt want to listen. He has already told us if we can't live by his rules, we should leave. He will probably shout and scream and make things unpleasant in house. Maybe he might even leave for a day but come back again (he has done that before)..That's why all this plan and what people recommend is leave so you can do on your own terms..but looks like that is getting hard as well for me..I just dont know what to do..

Or like you say..confront him, be strong, and if he yells, screams and I know he will probably start to break things, at that time, I can call cops and start the process..At least I will be more angry..But again, he has a good job and technicaly I wouldnt want any records against him either..that would only mess up in long run with the finances..

Geez..why does it have to be so difficult?? DD says maybe he will be better and less mooody if he sees her only 1-2 days of the week..who knows.

again, thanks for your reply. you are right..if i am on the fence..stay for now..but be ready to leave the minute things go downhill..

Thanks nightangel. I think shelter is temporary..I can afford a small apartment as I have a job.. I also talked to lawyer who says if I can get an apartment, take whatever you want and take your dd and go. DD does want to see him..but maybe once a week. Again he hasn't done a lot of physical stuff..but who knows if it is because I just avoid him or do whatever he wants..I dont challenge him. Basically with dd, she kind of got into a tantrum thing and he took away some of her stuff..to teach her a lesson..but then says she will never get them back. It is always his way or the highway..

I was just freezing up this morning..as I just didn't feel ready to deal with the other mess that comes with this..I let go of the apartment I had but they do have quite a few available if I need to get in right away. Other thing I was thinking is - just go to some hotel or something and see what happens. Again, I don't think he would get violent..but one can never tell. Also without any restraining order, he knows where school is etc..so he has access to her as much as me..