Recognizing & Dealing w/ Domestic Abuse

When it came to actually signing the lease, I froze up..these are things that deterred me..
#1 DD still wants to visit him at the house, I'm scared he will manipulate her into staying more, and I will be out by myself in a tiny apartment fighting legal bills and getting tangled in a messy divorce. Not being part of her life 24/7 still is a big factor to me.

#2 I work from home 2-3 days a week and take care of the pets..I cant take all of them to the new place and I worried about them.

#3 My work is too stressful and busy right now..and I have just not been able to focus on work and adding that to all the move, I just can't take off the days I would need.

#4 Fear of unknown of leaving without an agreement. Some lawyers I spoke to actually say have all support/custody arrangements etc laid out before moving. Else teenager decides to spend more time in her familiar house and soon, I will be out in the woods..if you know what I mean..

I dont know if the above 4 things will ever go away. Maybe I should write all the fear factors and have that plan of action..
So for now, I just suck it up when he complains about house not clean, food not cooked, yells when I start to say anything, keeps us in eggshells. I dont know..I hate myself for not doing anything either! Maybe I just have to go #4..lay it out in paper, so I know what I am getting into before making a move and finding myself in a mess. Lawyer says..go with #4 and if he flips just call police..but we know how that goes..So anyway..I am just leaning to now..waiting it out till the holidays at least..maybe get more strength..save some money..what more.

Ive realized the deck is stacked in favor of the men ALWAYS.

Even the shelters, you are supposed to go to some scary place in the ghetto and once your 4 weeks are up, you are either penniless or in my case if someone DECIDES to have MERCY on you, shoved into a Medicare nursing home. IF you have a job you move to some small teeny tiny apt you can barely afford hoping the abuser doesnt show up.

Everytime I think about leaving I go into a mental health breakdown and spiral down. I am doing very badly today. I have already had endless cadres of people call me a loser for not leaving. But not one offered REAL practical help save for a stranger online and she had to rescind it because of family troubles. The economy is such, that getting a divorce now in the middle of American Depression Part II, is beyond scary.

But in your case, you have children and a job. You do have a life, I would treat him like a roommate. I havent had sex with my creep in a year.

I can understand why you didnt leave. I am glad you have children. At least you are not alone in this world. Maybe when you are older like me they will be there for you. I hope they do not move far away, talk to them about the importance of having connections. My mother hates my guts. I do have friends but they all live far away. I am in the mode where there are only 2 long distance safe online friends to talk to about anything, because I will scare away the others with "negativity"
No one understands. Be careful there, dont want you to end up in spot.

Do what matters to you and your life. Put children and yourself first. The social workers are judgemental. Their maze of phone numbers and way they have made things so hard to get anything done is designed on purpose. Their main purpose is tot ake government money.

Look into the humane shelters in your area. many have established foster care for pets of dv situations. Too many women were staying because of the pets and once they started this foster care program, women can temporarly surrender their pet to the foster care system, get themselves safe and then when they are established and safe they can have their pets back.

That way you can be sure your furry kids are safe while you get you and your daughter safe.  once all the dust settles, you can get a place where you can have your furry kids back with you and you know they were taken good care of.

You said your daughter sees your husband for what he is. Wouldnt she see him while he tries to manipulate her into wanting more time with him?

Even if that does happen, you would be a safe escape for her once she discovered who he really is, and if you have documentation of all the things he has done, the courts are starting to see dv for what it is and are starting to rule in favor of keeping the kids safe from the abuser, even if the abuser is not directly abusing the kids.

That doesnt mean your area has developed an awareness yet, and that doesnt mean that even if your area has established awareness the judge would not be in the stone age still. Those are the chances you have to take to keep you and your daughter safe.

I do understand your reluctance. we are looking at loosing the house to foreclosure due to my husband's financial games he plays all in the name of "punishing" me because I did or did not do something that upset him. I made it very clear if he lost this home to his games we would not move to the same location (not the first home he lost playing these games) yet I found myself pondering options which included getting two appartments one as three bedroom and one two bedroom, the three guys (including my husband) would be in the one appartment and my daughter and I in the next...technically we would be at different addresses but he would still be very near by and hopefully paying the rents...why. Because financially there is no way I can pay rent and everything on my 1,000.00 ssd check each month. I too understand the "fear" of being out there and not having a back up financially...So Yes I do understand everything. I have three cats and two dogs, one dog is technically his dog so we would have to leave her behind, (but I really dont like that dog anyway, he got her while I was in surgery) and a total of 60 gallons of fish...there is also a stray cat he has been feeding that I dont feel we can take since he is not really our cat, so he will probably starve/freeze todeath once he leave...I feel bad for him. Once I have a paid job where I can comfortably pay the rent and other bills I will be out of here...unless I too get cold feet and start making more excuses.

Hang in there, you can only leave when you are truly ready to leave

Kat