Recognizing & Dealing w/ Domestic Abuse

** Sorry I posted this in News and Resources by mistake **

Hello everyone. I have just found this board and would like to ask a question before my common-law husband and I start counseling next week.

I suspect he is abusive (verbal) as he does many, but not all of the things I have read about online. Many hallmark behaviors are there.

He thinks everything that is wrong in the relationship is my fault and told me I had to pick the counselor because he doesn't want to be blamed when things go wrong (for me I guess) as he feels my lack of communication skills, my lack of cleaning skills are the root of all our problems.

He is mad because for the last two years I have ignored him. I have ignored him because I have refused to engage to avoid the anger, conflict etc.

My question for those of you who have been down this path before is will the counselor actually say something like "You are behaving in abusive ways" or whatever to him? Will he actually call out the behavior?

I'll give you some examples since I am so confused these days I don't even know :(

- I'm not sure if I would classify him as OCD but he does have some tendencies like lining up papers exactly in perfect order, certain items have to be in certain spots, checking and rechecking door is locked. I don't know... is this OCD or just finicky perfectionist behavior?

- He must be in control of every little detail. He even has post-it notes on the fridge telling me which dish towel is for my hands and which is for the dishes. I don't do house work the way he wants so he won't help at all. Ever. Nor will he let me hire help.

- Passive aggressive... he will not tell me what is bothering him but will try to start something. If I engage and respond, he is SNARLING in my face with anger so raw his eyes are bulging and he is literally spitting on me through gritted teeth. He has a vicious temper, but has never hit me. He held my hand very tightly and squeezed so hard it hurt once (when I told him I was pregnant) but I called him on that and he has never done it again.

When he decides it's time to fight, we need to engage right then and there. If I try to escape to collect my thoughts, he follows me and hounds me "When are we going to have this discussion? When are we going to have this discussion?" Once he barred me from leaving the bathroom and when I threatened him he went ballistic (even called his Dad and told him I threatened him). When he is angry with me, he will get in my way and force me to swerve to avoid colliding with him. I feel like if I did walk into him he would scream "You hit me! You are abusing me!"

- Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't even put the recycling in the bin properly. There are rules on what goes where inside the box, how much, how it has to be folded... If I don't do it right, there is stomping and shoving of the items. Cursing under his breath, calling me a "Fing b!tch" etc. And sometimes the rules change... it completely throws me off balance.

- Our sex life is non-existent. I would often initiate but in 10 years we have had intercourse maybe a few times. All other sex has been me servicing him by hand or mouth. I'm lucky if I get a pat on the shoulder for my efforts.

- If I only knew how true the statement "A man treats his wife like he treats his mother" I would have RUN! He hates her. I barely know her and think some may be justified (maybe she is his root cause?) and some may be him?

- Our son has to be completely well behaved (and he is for now... god help us when teenage angst sets in! The kid is so well behaved he won't make a decision for himself (What should I drink? Should I do this or that?)

My husband thinks he is wronged because I now I refuse to talk to him (cold shoulder) and I can totally see him turning the tables and calling me abusive. I don't know... am I?

I don't know what it is. I just need to identify it and find out what help I am entitled to.

Thanks for reading.

Lisa

It depends on the counselor...I have just started working on my masters in Counseling and the one thing I learned about counseling is many people go to the counselor looking for the counselor to give themt he answers. In fact the counselor is not supposed to give the answers but assist the person in finding their own answers.

If he is abusive in the sessions, he/she may say something, but the main focus will be to try to get him to see his own abusive behavior to get him to want to change.

Yes some of the things you listed here is considered abusive treatment, and you need to search deep within yourself to decide if this is something you want for the rest of your life or if you are willing to do what is needed to make the changes you need to make. Believe me, you will NOT be able to get HIM to change, so the changes will be within YOU. This may mean walking away to get the changes you need.

Kat

Kat, thank you.

He will not ever admit he is abusive. If he is, I make him so. If I wasn't so difficult, he wouldn't act this way. I have tried responding with "that is abusive and you need to stop" only to have the words mimicked back at me or thrown back at me at a later time. Or tell me I'm crazy.

No, I don't plan on putting up with it forever, but I have chosen to stay up until this point so I could be here for our son (11 years old). I run interference when husband is too hard on him and try to balance things for son. In many ways, husband is a good father, very involved. But he wants control, expects absolute perfection and absolute perfect behavior. He has never physically abused son but has gotten in his face like he does with me, and spit his words out in such anger that you are afraid. I hate to think of what would happen if I wasn't here.

He gets very angry with you if you become frustrated when he tries to direct your actions. Instead of saying "Son, could you get another food recycling bag out and put it in the bin while I go outside with this one?" He will go outside with the food recycling, then come back and scream for son to come to get him a paper towel. He will get louder and angrier if you don't JUMP right away. (However, NEVER try to do this to him... he does what he wants on his own schedule). Then he will tell son to open door and get a bag. Then tell him how to put it in bin, snapping if it isn't done according to his specific directions. He has to direct the whole thing like a drill sergeant. All for a food recycling bag.

There is a whole other issue that I can't get into here.

But I wanted to at least be able to say I (we) tried counseling.

I went to one alone without him years ago and after listening to me for an hour the only thing the counselor said was "You have two choices; you can stay and accept it or leave. He won't change." I chose to stay for the time being but wish I had received more coping skills.

I don't know. Maybe he is perfect and I am the one who just doesn't measure up.