Has anyone noticed that most abusers need to be in charge of everything? I know the jerk that I'm married to has to know everything and if I don't pronounce a word right I'm stupid. Hell, in order to get along with him I even call myself stupid. Sometimes, I think I am for continually put up with his crap.
This morning was another example of the crap that I put up with. First, I hate being rushed. If I am I usually forget something. Then its don't use your hands to talk, don't start a sentence with "so then", don't ask him questions, you're lying, you are abusing everything you touch, get out of my house and you're not taking anything with you (no clothes, nothing), say something, you don't pay attention to anything, why won't you listen, didn't I tell you you can't wash your hair on the weekends, you have 15 minutes to roll your hair, what were you doing in the bathroom so long, I didn't ask you what you did, I asked why? The list goes on and on.
One would think I was 10 yrs old. I must have taught him how I want to be treated because he treats me bad. Yes, I've been here before and I know I must leave him. I wonder why I'm still there. Now, not only is he dying, but I need to find a lot of $ before 2010 or we will get evicted. I know I shouldn't worry about it, just leave him and let him take care of himself. Guilt is a terrible thing. I don't want him to be homeless. I must be a fool because no matter how much I hate him I still care about him being homeless. That is really sick. My life is so much calmer when I leave him. But then I go back and face the hell of him intimidating me. Him not letting me wear clothes or lying down or doing anything. Hell, I don't do anything now. It's not like I have a life after work. I go to his house (I don't have a home) and I have to see after his needs. I have a time limit on cleaning the kitchen, taking out garbage, taking a shower, washing my hair, feeding the cat, etc. This is no way for anyone to life. Sometimes, it feels so good just to let everything go and not have to worry about anything. I have too many worries and at this point, I don't know what to do. Yes, I have a dv counselor and I know can solve my problems but me. It feels good to vent but I must find a solution. I'm too old for this crap and then I'm going to menopause that doesn't give me any patience for his crap. Sometimes, it is all I can do not to kill him.
When I talk to him on the phone everything is ok. But when I see him he's a different person. I can't be myself and he wonders why I don't have any interest in sex. It's all I can do is smile and act like I'm not angry. Which he knows is a lie. I'm sick of the whole thing.
Love 
