Recognizing & Dealing w/ Domestic Abuse

I am the wife posting under ‘can it stop’, for back ground. Things have been really good and DH is being extremely loving, kind and nice around the house and with me. I am trying to get past everything but the thing is I just can’t shake being peed on like I wasn’t even human and then poured gasoline on and the house, threatened with a lighter that he meant it, he’d burn the place down. I can’t get that crazy look in his eyes out of my mind. And I can’t get the disgusted look upon his face when he peed on me out of my mind either. Sometimes I think of that look when we make love, and I feel gross. He says I really blow it all out of proportion in my mind and maybe I do but I can’t help my feelings. I don’t think he will let things escalate like that again. I think I got through to him how much that scared me and how dehumanizing it was but this doesn’t change that it’s still burned in my mind. I try to shake it. Be normal. Be happy and loving to him like he deserves and I think I’m doing a pretty good job on the outside. I still wonder if it will happen again. Or if it does, he’ll tone it down to just the verbal stuff so that he can say ‘see I didn’t let it escalate’. Although I got through to him on how it made me feel, he rejected that he needed counseling or that it indicated there way a pattern of abuse. He was hurt that I would say that, and I think maybe that was over the top. It is not as though he beats me and I know this. He is a good guy. I tried to explain my point though, that he treated me with utter disrespect during the time he pressured me to have an abortion and that he was very controlling, using my emotional state agains me for his own gain. Or during all the time we dated, he would say he loved me, then take it back when it suited him, or break up with me out of no-where, withhold affection, and then when I would get upset, tell me I’m a weak person and its not his fault I'm so weak etc, etc. No EVERYTHING to him is about the night I cheated four years ago. And that’s it. End of discussion. He won’t pour gas on me again. What else is there to discuss? So anyway I’ve not talked about it with him the last few weeks. And I’m just hoping that maybe things stay this good. That I am just blowing things out of proportion, it isn't a cycle that other stuff is just emotional stuff and not abuse, and that eventually my mind lets go of that image of the crazy eyes and the gas can. He really can’t understand where I’m coming from when we talk about that night. He tries and he says that what matters is that it made me feel that way so it won’t be something he’ll do again but he really can’t see it as something that is just sooo out there. Maybe it's not. Again I really have no hold on reality right now. This happened almost six weeks ago now so maybe I need to just get over it. He’s been very nice since then and he apologized. The only other thing is two weeks after this incident he complained about me not wanting S enough and only wanting it on my terms, but we have S nearly every day and after this incident it was like three times a day for a week and then I just couldn’t keep up the pretense any longer. I felt like a disgusting wh*re since that is what he kept calling me and he peed on me like that's all I was worth.  I don't really feel beautiful and sexual.. I still haven’t quite got that back yet though sometimes I'm able to. I guess I’m just putting my feelings out there. Thank you for listening.

Jan, I don't think I would EVER get over having someone pee on me or threaten to burn me alive. These are not minor abuses, whether or not they hurt you physically. The behaviors you list since the beginning of your relationahip are all forms of abuse, even if he isn't willing to admit it.

I realize that you are still at the awakening stage yourself: you've just begun to realize that you're being abused. You truly believe that if you can just explain to him how his behavior makes you feel and why it's abusive, he will stop. A NORMAL person would stop, after all.

The problem is, you didn't marry a normal person, you married an abuser. Your husband feels justified in these attacks on you, and he will continue them, in some form or other, as long as you're together, and because he is also destroying your self-esteem, you feel that his attacks are justified, too.

Hon, you need to stop worrying about how he's a good guy and maybe he'll probably stop punishing you for an incident that occurred four years ago, and concentrate on what's glaringly obvious: In all this time, his rage has not abated, and he has become nastier, more demeaning, and more dangerous in his treatment of you. It's time to go, Jan, and for goodness sake don't tell him you're planning to go.

Please, please go and see a psychologist who is experienced in domestic violence.  I know personally that when we are living in this we dont really see the truth (or we downplay everything because the truth is just too horrific to face).  My abuse was nowhere near yours but I sought psychiatric help.  I told her that I felt that I was going crazy and she said that I was living in crazy.  Although she never met my husband I asked her what her opinion of him was - her reply - sociopathic narcissist and that she was really worried about me.

Please I dont want to hear on the news that he has killed you during one of his rages (no matter what you did, or how long ago, no-one deserves to be treated like this).

It seems he delights in degrading you, gives him a power trip. He's a very insecure person.  He's weak on the inside, that's why he acts like this.  He's got low self-esteem.

You are traumatized by some of the things he's done, and rightfully so.  I think you have some post traumatic stress going on.   Men's minds are wired differently, and I don't think he's ever going to see the severity of his actions towards you. 

You're letting him get in your head.  Read up on traits of an abuser.  Realize some of the things he does is part of a game abusers play.  You are not a bad person, don't let anybody tell you different.

Focus on your self preservation!  He's making you crazy.  Don't let anybody do this to you.  It doesn't sound like your ready to leave this relationship right now.  But while you stay with this man, it is very important not to let him get to you.  Don't let him beat you down!