Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs

I have been married for just over a year, and I need a reality check about the situation I’m in. Please help if you can. 

This morning I went into my DH’s email account (terrible, I know) and found a picture of his friends GF in a bikini. I signed in because I have found other pictures in the past. It was a lucky guess one day when I discovered his pwd, and since then I have checked now and then.

The first time I checked his email about a month ago I found an email in his ‘sent’ folder with several pictures attached. It seems like he always sends pictures to some email address (surely it’s some other account I’m not supposed to know about). The pictures were of a pretty girl, about my age, some were topless. They looked like those internet myspace-type photos that you take of yourself and put on a dating site or something.

The next time I signed in, I found the same sort of thing. More girls, different girls. Now, until today I haven’t confronted him, because I tried to be cool about it. I thought to myself that all men masturbate and usually require some sort of visual aid, and this is his thing, so it’s not THAT bad.

Well, today’s picture was different. It was our friends current GF. This is a girl that I have had over to my home for dinner. I went crazy. I told him that his email account must have accidentally sent it to me(which he didn’t buy, he knows I checked it) and he got so mad!! He’s a very stubborn man, and yes, it’s completely absurd that HE would get upset, but that’s what he does.

His ‘story’ in the end, was that he didn’t know how he got this email with the pic attached, and that he was planning on mentioning it to our friend (the one who is dating the girl in the photo). I simply don’t buy this story.

Now, I’m not sure what’s going to happen with us, and this is where the reality check comes in. There must be something wrong with me, because I’m sitting here hoping HE doesn’t leave ME!!! I am furious, and yet, I don’t want to lose him. What is wrong with me??

I suppose in the scheme of the range of possible photos a guy could look at, girls in bikinis and even topless are fairly mild. However it takes on a new dimension when it is pictures of someone you know, a friend.

I do not buy his story either, he knows exactly how he got it.
Do married men fantasize about their friends wives and /or girlfriends? Of course many do, they just don't talk about it. But now this photo is there, so that forces you to react.

It is disturbing and upsetting but I do not think it has to be the end of your marriage. I think it is possible to work through this and on your marriage if you want to. He has to come clean of course. The good thing is you are talking about an affair of any kind, nothing physical and nothing even emotional.

Listen do not be so hard on yourself. You are in shock. You do not need to make any decisions today. This marriage was not built in a day and it will not be dismantled in a day. So take a deep breath.  You need to start protecting yourself while you get the complete picture about what is happening with your husband. I would immediately make a copy of every picture that I found and save it to those little key files. I would save it on two key files and hide one in case you need to prove something later. They usually deny deny deny, until the proof is there before them and there is no denial. 

It looks as if you have found a pattern to his behavior. It looks like with his friends girlfriend...he may have been taking it a step further. I do not believe for one minute that this picture came by accident.

My husband's favorite type of affair was with his friends girlfriend with whom he worked. He would invite them out on double dates with us so that he could get to spend time with her on weekends. We even ended up going on a beach vacation with one of these couples and my husband ignored me the whole time. I did not find out until much later (years) what was going on. I just always felt unlovable.

I would call the man and tell him myself that you found bikini picture of his girlfriend on your husbands computer. See what he has to say.

 I might even go see this girlfriend and gage her reaction to your find. Her boyfriend may be sharing pics without her permisssion. She may have sent it herself. You can usually tell by their body language if they are lying and that is why I always try to confront in person especially if you know the person. Either way I would tell them that this situation makes any contact with them awkward.  I would tell both him and her that I would prefer no contact after this incident.

The bottom line is ...This couple is not good for your marriage. They are not friends to you. Your husband can not be friends with them any longer if he respects you and the marriage. Your husband also needs to take a long look at his need for pictures for his gratification.

I would tell him that I took care of it if he asks and not to contact them anymore.

I would call a marriage counselor and set up the first appointment. During the marriage counseling ....I would then address the porn addiction. It is not healthy if all his sexual energy is being directed to outside sources.  Men addicted to porn are more likely to have affairs.

Big Hug!!!

FiveDiamondWife

Hello Hurryfall,

Just to let you know, there's nothing you've written in your post that would indicate that there is something wrong with you.  I will tell you that making a partner think she's dysfunctional (when she isn't) is a well-documented strategy men will deploy when their partners are getting close to something they're trying to hide.  You become so concerned with your ability to be back in his good graces, or your ability to reason, or even your own sanity that you stop looking for the things he doesn't want you to see. 

So, here's my advice to you:  Don't fall for it.  Set boundaries.  It sounds to me like you haven't really had a discussion with your husband about what "crosses the line" in your marriage.  I don't mean that as a criticism.  Sometimes, people don't know where that line is until it has been crossed.  But I would venture to say that you know where your line is but you're not confident enough to draw it.  You're a young newlywed and you don't want to be seen as silly or unreasonable.  Only now that your fears have struck closer to home do you feel you can make a case to justify your fear.  But here's the thing: you don't have to defend your feelings to anyone. If his ogling at other women (real or not) hurts you - you can ask him to stop.  If he agrees, you can reserve the right to make sure he is good on his word.  If he does not agree, then he (or you) are free to leave.  

Get to the bottom of this photo sharing that's going on and have a conversation with your husband.  Take this as an opportunity to discuss with your husband boundaries in your marriage and don't feel the need to explain or justify any "deal-breakers".  Boundaries are different for each relationship and that's OK. Address the pictures.  While you're at it, talk about pornography, strippers, Hooters, boys nights out.  Establish some ground rules.  If you can't agree on basic ground rules of fidelity, then you have to make some tough decisions.

Best of luck to you!

woodsage

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I found e-mails on my fiances e-mail account with him talking to other girls. That really devastated me so I can imagine what you are going through. I would set boundaries and tell him that what he did is not OK and that is not acceptable behavior. I wouldn't confront the girl just yet because she might not have anything to do with it but if you find out she did it then I would be upfront and say it's not appropriate and you don't want them to have any contact. Then after that you have to make a decision do you want to stay in the marriage or if he is not respecting you do you want to leave. I wish you the best of luck!