Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs

I posted once before.  I guess my situation was hopeless?  I guess that's why I did not get any response.

Please, I would value your thoughts and opinions.  I'll just as this general question first.  Is it okay for my husband to search for female friends on the internet?  I saw a brief chat and it seems innocent.  He's 40 something, and she's attending a community college.  He addresses her "sweetheart", asked for her phone #, called and said her voice is sweet.  I can't access his emails.  Wonder whatelse is there?

She knows he's married.  Asked if him calling her would bother me.  He reassured her that it wouldn't and that I wouldn't give her trouble.

There's more.  But let me start with that.  He said he loves me, want to spend his life with me.  He told me he needs friends and that there's certain things that he can with a friend.  I know he complain to people about me before...oh, gosh...am I too possessive?

I greatly appreciate your thoughts.  Thank you.

I am sorry no one answered you before. Your problem is not hopeless. Every problem has a solution.

Is it okay for my husband to search for female friends on the internet? 

No, He is taking time from your relationship and investing it into other relationships. You are obviously feeling confused and unhappy over this. If he cares about your feelings then he should be more concerned about your happiness than these extraneous relationships. How exactly are these relationships helping your marriage? How is talking to these women friends about his life, problems and etc. supposed to bring the two of you closer? How is any of this behavior supposed to make you feel loved and secure in the marriage?

If you are married, you should carry your partner in your heart 24/7. If you would not do or say something in front of your partner then you should not be doing or saying it behind their back. You should always have your spouses best interest at heart. Does this behavior say that he has your best interest at heart? 

Why is he is giving this woman the title "sweetheart"? Why would he honor her with such a title? He should have only one sweetheart and that should be you his wife. How is calling her "sweetheart" protecting you and your feelings and your relationship?  He is crossing the boundaries of your relationship. It is hurtful.

 I can't access his emails.  BIG RED FLAG. You married this man and there should be no secrets between you.  There should be nothing to be hidden.

She knows he's married.  Asked if him calling her would bother me.  He reassured her that it wouldn't and that I wouldn't give her trouble.

Why does he presume to speak for you? I can tell you are hurt by his behavior. You need to tell him that no this is not ok. If he wants to be a single man and and live the single lifestyle then he can do that but he can not be married an do that. He can not date on the internet, give these woman the intimacy and time that belongs to your marriage. He is stealing from you to give to them. He is sharing with them and ignoring you. He is investing and emotionally caring for them and emotionally abandoning you.  He is acting like a single man when you are not around.  What business does a community college student have talking to a 40 year old married man?  Absolutely NONE!!! He is taken and can no longer date. If he wants to date... internet date then he needs to divorce and get on with it.

 He told me he needs friends and that there's certain things that he can with a friend.  I know he complain to people about me before...oh, gosh...am I too possessive?

She is no friend to you and she is no friend to your marriage. She is the coconspirator that is working with your husband to undermine your marriage.

YOU are not too possessive. You are a wife ... married to a man who is spending his time investing in other relationships. He is stealing intimacy from your marriage and giving it to an outside source. He is stealing time, thought and energy from you and giving it to her. Is this what you signed up for when you married him? Why is he not using this time that he is spending on these outside relationships  on you? He is your husband not her husband.  He could be planning date nights for the two of you. He could be stopping on his way home from work and getting you flowers or small gifts. He could be making plans for romantic couple getaways. He could be making you feel secure and cherished. He could be talking and sharing with you. He could be sending you emails and phoning you.

In my opinion, he has poor boundaries when it comes to your marriage. I would buy the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass and use it to discuss marriage boundaries with him. It talks about how letting third parties into a marriage can harm the marriage. It talks about how to protect your relationship and marriage from this type of behavior by proper boundaries. Boundaries should be firm. You relax the boundaries a bit today, then a bit tomorrow, and before you know it you have crossed the ultimate line into affairland. Affairs do not happen in one single choice. They happen one choice at a time. Your husband is practicising relaxed boundaries and it is a slippery slope when you do this because the lines become blurrier and blurrier.

Firm boundaries protect both partners in a relationship. I would insist on firm boundaries in marriage.

FiveDiamondWife 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.  Some days when I'm strong, I can accept and maybe even support his need to invest time in these "friends."  Other days, like last night and today, I'm weak and is deeply saddened and frustrated because he is having these conversations, chats or emails with these other females.  Not just saddened or frustrated, I let my emotions take over me.

I just need the strength to help me through those days.  Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not expecting too much from my husband and that my needs are not too demanding.  I hope he sees it.  But he doesn't.  Yes, he is loving and affectionate with me, tells me a couple of days ago when he knows I was feeling down that he loves me and want to spend the rest of his life with me.  Yet he turns around and establish a chat line with his "friend/niece" that day.

He's draining me.  Right now I need to refocus.  I don't want to let his actions and needs to overcome me.  Sure I'll go on loving him when he needs it.  But I don't want to expect anything from him.  I told him (whether he understands it or not is a different thing) that when I'm strong, I can support him and his needs.  But I don't know how long I can last. 

As of this moment, I have the strength to refocus, not on making my marriage the way it should be, but on moving on with my life.  If it's not important for him to dedicate his every moment in making our marriage better, then I'm not going to invest in him right now.  I'll give him his space to make himself feel adequate.  I just need him to help me support our children.

Thank you so much again for your reassurance.  Thank you for referring me to that book.  I'll get it for myself.  I'm not sure if he's ready to acknowledge that his needs are out of the boundaries of a marriage (is it really? He got me doubt ing myself again).  Did you know that one girl said that to him a couple of years back.  I discovered his chat histories.  She said that it's not decent for him to have secret "friendship" with girls while he's married.  I wondered how he felt.  I guess nothing, because he continued to search.  Are these other girls/woman naive (I know that college girl is) or what?  I know he make his friendships seem innocent because there's no sexual expression (yet), because he has not crossed that physical boundaries yet.  But the way he invest his energy in it bothers me.  You're right.  He should be doing things to make our marriage better, to make our lives better.  Oh, well.  Like I said, I need to focus on me and my children....I hope I'll be able to think like that all the time.

Sincerely.

As of this moment, I have the strength to refocus, not on making my marriage the way it should be, but on moving on with my life.  If it's not important for him to dedicate his every moment in making our marriage better, then I'm not going to invest in him right now.  I'll give him his space to make himself feel adequate.  I just need him to help me support our children.

This is a very good attitude to adopt if you have voiced your displeasure and he continues to do this.

Yes, he is loving and affectionate with me, tells me a couple of days ago when he knows I was feeling down that he loves me and want to spend the rest of his life with me.  Yet he turns around and establish a chat line with his "friend/niece" that day.

Actions are what counts now. His actions have to match his words. If he is going to rebuild any type of trust with you. Especially since he has been caught writing love poems, notes and other things to his niece/friend. He has to become an open book. There can be no hidden email accounts or things like that. You have to be given access to anything and everything. Too bad if he doesn't like it. Marriages should not have hidden parts.

Hang in there and focus on you and your strength right now. You will be ok no matter how this turns out.

FiveDiamondWife

I get the feeling from the way you word your posts that you are a very sweet good woman who is being GREATLY taken advantage of and taken for granted.  You say when you are strong you can understand and even support his other friendships.  Why would you??  He should be kicked in the a.... for what he is doing!  It is NOT ok!  YOU are married to him and he's cheating on the side on the internet.

You need to grow some really large biting teeth and give this man what for.  Tell him to shape up or he can talk to your divorce lawyer.  He is treating you like a door mat. And unfortunately, you are letting him.