Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs

After 12 years together, I have just discovered, by accident, that my partner is cyber cheating with two women he met through Facebook who both live on a different continent  to us.

After the first discovery, I did not confront him (still haven't), but did a little more deliberate digging for facts.

One women seems to be an emotional/flirty type of emailer, the other sent him explicit pics of herself in bed with men and women, with graphic descriptions.

I don't know which one to be more angry about. The first from a recent email seems to be hinting in response, I presume to a question he has asked that they can never have a relationship due to circumstances.

I do not know what way to broach this - whatever, he will focus on the fact that I went snooping after the accidental discovery and we will get no further.

Also, he will completely block out a discussion if he feels it is becoming emotional. He feels I should never show upset kinds of emotions.For example, last year my father nearly died, and when it looked like one night I was getting upset, all I got was a "calm down, buddy"

We have had talks before - he withdraws affection if he feels he is not getting the right type of sexual contact that he wants. He doesn't seem to understand that affection and romance is needed in a relationship, as well as sex.

How do I go about this............ please?

I agree with the other poster.  He is a pro at emotional blackmail and this is abuse.  If you can never express a negative emotion that is really convenient for him isn't it.  Then he can do almost anything, and if you get upset and try to say how you feel, he implies you are a hyterical female, by saying "calm down".  Withholding the sex also is extremely controlling.

I would not waste the energy talking him to him about this at all.  He will just turn it on you and make you feel, and may convince you that you are "crazy" or "nuts" or "paranoid".   Ask yourself if you can live with this?  If not, you should leave.  Don't let the fact deter you that you have 12 yrs into this, so you must stay. I left my emotionally abusive husband after 26 yrs and it was like escaping from a prison I didn't even realize I was in.

Yes I know you are both right. As am sure you know it is so tempting to say nothing and hope it gets better, or that it can be discussed and sorted out. But at this stage I feel I would be always worrying when he is using the iphone - is it them or someone new or whatever.

I just need to sort out my thoughts and get my head ready to talk and stand firm when all the bull**** begins.

Thanks