I feel so alone and lost. I’ve been married for 22 years. I never thought he would cheat on me but he did. For 12 years he lied to me every single day. He had online and phone sex every day for 2 to 3 hours with different women, International and here in United States. Also, he paid for sex too. (I really don’t know with how many women he went out and had sex- because he signed up for more than 30 dating sites and most of them are local women) I’m just devastated. I mean if I tell my friends and family they will be shocked, because he appears very loving and family oriented person, very shy and good behaving person (he’s a good actor…really) he never complained about our marriage, he always told me he loved me. I just don’t understand. We are going to counseling and she says that he is a sex addict and he has a long, hard road ahead of him. She says like any addiction during the recovery he will have relapse. I just don’t know what to do, I’m lost. I’m angry and same time very sad and disappointed. I also feel shame. I feel that I wasn’t good enough; if he was married to someone else he wouldn’t act like this. I want to get a divorce, but I don’t know why I’m so scared. I don’t know why… I don’t want to have any regrets, I want to walk away knowing that I’m doing the right thing. I can’t go through this pain again, if he will have relapse how I’m going to stand that? Do I have to follow him everywhere? I am going crazy. Life is beautiful, it shouldn’t be this much pain. I don’t know what to do.(he says he will get treatment and wants to work on our marriage, but I don't feel that way...there's no marriage) I feel if I stay or leave I will feel pain. I just want to wake up from this nightmare but unfortunately I can’t. It is real.
First of all, a big hug! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this stuff.
Next, I want to be sure that you realize I am NOT a licensed counselor, these are just my opinions.
In my marriage, any type of physical contact infidelity is a deal breaker. No questions asked, no negotiating. Done. He knows that. He knows that I have forgiven certain things, I tolerate certain things, but that is the absolute end.
I don't understand what people refer to as a "sex addiction". I enjoy sex as much as the next woman, but I'm not having it with multiple partners, or passing photos of my nude body to strangers. I think it's about self-control, and I think it's about respecting your partner and honoring the vows you made. "Keep me only unto you". If you and/or your counselor have a better understanding of it...I would say that you demand he be "treated" for his "addiction." Which means individual counseling...to learn what it is that makes these behaviors appealing and how to control the impulse.
Whether to stay or go has to be a decision that only you can make. I can't tell you what you should do. I can say that you're right...either decision will be painful. Staying and dealling with rebuilding, and wondering if you can ever really trust him again, or leaving and learning to live alone, and eventually getting back into the dating scene. BOTH are scary!
If you do decide to stay, I think you should set the boundaries for him, since he seems to have no boundaries. He should end all contact with ALL of the women with whom he has contacted in a sexual nature, either in person or online. You should have access to his passwords into all his accounts. He should stay off the social sites, since it's obvious he won't act right.
I think it's also a good idea to follow the "180" rules, which are guidelines on how to behave/treat the offending partner. Basically it's a way of letting him know that 1) you DON'T need him to make you feel worthy, and 2) you won't tolerate his BS. They are excellent guidelines, I'll see if I can post them, it's been awhile since I've seen them on the board.
You sound a lot like I was in the way you struggle with leaving a long term marriage. I actually stayed a few years because I was worried what family and friends would say, and how he would fare, since he had been sitting on his duff not working for an 11 yr mid life crisis.
I grew up in a family where my feelings and what I wanted were not important, they had to be sacrificed for appearances or for what my parents wanted, and then I recapitulated this in my first marriage. Could this be happening to you too?
I'd have no qualms about leaving this guy. And tell everyone what he did too. He has been an incredible cad and needs to face some consequences. Don't shield him from it. He needs to learn some hard life lessons.
I don't buy the sex addiction thing either. It is an excuse to behave badly. Don't tell me you can't control yourself all during the time you are out prowling for a prostitute. BS
Thank you for your post. To be honest, I do have a problem regarding family and friend’s opinion and what they would say. I feel shame, and I really don’t know why? I know I should not feel this way, but for some reason I do worry what people would say. Everyone thinks we are such good couple! Very loving!... well, it was like that until recently I found out, what a jerk he is. I cannot believe after 22 years I found out, I’m married to a pat logical liar. He was coming home every single day, hug me, kiss me, telling me “I love u” and planning for our future and behind my back he was different person. I cannot believe why and how someone should live a lie like this. He says, he wants to start over, and he begs me for one more chance, he sleeps on the couch, but sometimes middle of the night, he comes start crying and beg me to change my mind about divorce. He says lets keep our family, lets not do this to our kids. (of course, I reminded him, he’s the one causing our family to fall apart, not me)
I have another issue that for now keeps me, to not file for divorce. We have a business, which we are running together. Well, for now business is not good, and we are trying to keep our family financially stable, and then file for divorce. He thinks by then I may change my mind. (I don’t think so, I need to get strong and leave…but I have doubts)
I do imagine if I leave what the future would look like. I invested so much on him; I was always a big help and support for him. I worked, (he worked too- I’m not denying) and he has a health problem, which whenever he needed me, I was there, two major operations and possibly he will have his third operation soon. As far as raising our kids, I took big chunk of responsibility, while he was working (actually, I should say while he was having sex with other women online or offline) because that was the only times he could of done it. I feel if I leave, I would not have control over our business, he would lie about income, then probably by a month he would replace me, and the other woman will enjoy what I established so far, except the husband part, because he’s a jerk anyway.
I really don’t know what to do, there are so many issues, and feelings that I have.
I didn’t tell anyone because I’m not sure what I will do. Our therapist says, you need to give yourself time, she thinks, it's better to get divorce, because it is hard to get pass this kind of betrayal and she says, I will always blame him and he'll always get punished what he had done.I guess its dead end. I don’t how people get over an affair? Is there a way? Do I have to deny or change my thought? I know the big part it depends on him, but no matter what he'll do or say in the future, I will not trust him again.
Thank you so much for reading my post, I really looking forward to hear from you.
Thank you for your support, I really appreciate and it feels good to have someone to talk to.I always thought I’m a strong woman and I can take care of myself, but this issue really got me so hard, I feel like, I can’t do anything, I’m thinking how am I going to start all over again? We have a business, which we are running together. I don’t want to work with him anymore, but really, where do I go, and how do I start all over again? I know, I have to do it, but it will be hard for me. I’m thinking, I should start from zero, while he will run an established business. I know by law, everything we owe is half and half, but he’s a liar, and in the future will lie about income, all he has to do put the business in his brother name. he doesn’t want to get divorce and sometimes he talks really nasty, when he feels I’m dead serious, so I know he will cause problem during and after divorce.
As far as sex addiction, I think he is happy to have that label, because since our therapist said you are a sex addict, he says I’m sick and I will get help and treatment. I told him maybe you are sex addict but also you have no brain, have no respect for me and you are a pig, an animal.(Sorry for my language, I'm really angry at him...) I called him animal and pig, because he even tried to have online sex with my sister! He got her email address through me and pretended he is someone else and asked my sister to get naked. (According to him my sister never did)
My Mom and Dad are passed away, my mom’s dead was very bad accident and very painful, so I have only my sister, and my stupid husband, even didn’t think once if this online sex goes farther with my sister, he is taking my sister from me as well. I never confronted my sister, because he was begging me to not tell my sister, so in a way I feel he feels shame to look at my sister and that tells me my sister doesn’t know. Sometimes, I feel I don’t want to confront my sister because that’s another betrayal and it’s too painful.
Could you please tell me what is 180 rules? I did Google it, but I just want to be sure.
Love 
