Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs

A couple years ago I suspected he was cheating because he was spending a whole lot of time on the computer.  I got some software to check up on it and discovered that he reached out to an old girlfriend...his first girlfriend ever and only other girlfriend besides me.  I confronted him and he said he would stop communicating with her.  Which he did.

A few months later I found out he kissed a coworker.  He said she kissed him and that it was nothing and he didn't even realize she had those kinds of feelings.  He said he was completely caught off guard.  I forgave him (at least I said I did).  He left the job (not because of her) and they haven't been in touch since.

Now...he's been unemployed for about a year.  He's on the computer all day.  When he gets mad at me he stays on it after I get home from work.  He recently signed up for Facebook and last night he was chatting with a total stranger.  It seemed innocent enough, but I'm still furious.  He looks at porn at least once a day and looked up that old girlfriend within the past couple of weeks.

What the heck is going on?    I feel like I'm losing my mind.  It has to be my fault...am I driving him to do this?  Is it even cheating?  Sure hurts like it.

He definitely seems to have a history of reaching out to people outside your marriage and he is still doing it. Who knows what he is doing when you are at work all day? A person does not need to be engaging in cybersex in order to be cheating. It could be flirting and things leading to an emotional affair. Actual cheating or not, your partner should not be doing things online or otherwise that make you uncomfortable and hurt. Some people tend to pull away from their partners when they fight or argue. You may be driving him to the computer but only in that it is his way of dealing an arguement and being mad at you. Granted there are people who are nit-picky and nag a lot and can drive their spouses away from them. I can't speak to whether you are such a person or not.

So as I said, if it makes you uncomfortable, then it is something he should not do.

It sounds like your H does not have good boundaries. This is how my H "got in trouble." It would start with just talking and then with talking alone and then flirting, etc, etc. Because he had not set up boundaries (although we had talked about them as a couple - he just hadn't set hem for himself) he would take the first steps and find himself down a road that lead him to cheating. Now he knows not to email, text, or IM other women or to talk with them alone. It was a hard lesson, but hopefully he'll stick to it.

These things (chatting with strangers, letting a co-worker kiss him, looking up old girlfriends) are not ok. I would have some serious talks about what is not okay and where he needs to draw the line in your eyes. HE is the one who has to ultimately decide, but obviously he's not going to without some pressure for you. Doing so will be very uncomfortable, but so is watching your spouse disrespect you and your marriage by putting his attention elsewhere.

(I will not comment on the porn - that is a hot topic with many. Let's just say that with me it is the LIVE people - in person and online - in my H life that I am worried about and feel need to be addressed.)

I am sorry you find yourself here and hope you find some help during this difficult time. Keep us posted.

Has to be YOUR fault?  Absolutely not!  There is no excuse for his behavior. Either fix the marriage you are in, or leave honorably if you want to pursue someone else.  Totally not ok.

Why is he not out trying to get a job.? This is a VERY big problem.  My ex just stopped working, for 11 years, every excuse in the book.  This is the tip of the ice burg of a problem with him.  Normal men do not stay home and surf for other women when their wives are working.  No, no, no.

The problem is residing in HIM..