Hi all - I'm here for the same reason most of you are, trying to deal with having an emotional affair.
Details - I'm married for 6 years, with my husband for 8. We have 3 young kids. Our roles have always been reversed since we met: I have an education, great career, i'm driven and goal oriented and I work full time supporting all 5 of us. My husband never lived on his own before me, has no sense of what it takes to pay bills, keep things together etc. He never finished college, has no real goals just dreams. He stays home and 'takes care' of our children. This actually means he watches them and I come home and spend the time I'm not working being Suzy Housewife as well as Breadwinner. We're not well matched.
About 9 months ago I got super frustrated with our relationship and turned to the web. A site to connect people who are unhappy with their situations and reach out to others for various levels of connection. I made a connection with one man, we had great email conversations, had a lot in common including similar goals and motivations in life, we met 3 or 4 times and nothing even remotely physical happened. Just basically talking about our relationships and what is wrong. That ended when he wanted to turn back and patch things with his wife... I'm happy for that.
I turn back to the same site and connect with yet another man. We've been emailing and chatting on IM - all very X-rated. I find it fun, exciting, scary all at the same time. I don't desire my husband anymore - I haven't for a long time - and it all stems from how different we are in every way. My OM is married, lives an hour away and has no kids ( I haven't told him about mine) but we've progressed to pictures and texts. He wants to meet me, even for drinks, and I'm so tempted to say yes but I'm obviously wary of taking that HUGE step. Even though it's an online affair, I'm physically attracted to him and would love to play out our games in person if I WAS a different person.
I know you'll say "don't do it," "stay away," but I want feedback, support, similar stories. If my first AP had wanted to, I believe I would have gotten somewhat physical with him. I had a real connection with him. This AP is playing out in cyber-sex...
Sorry to hear about your incompatibility. My first reaction is to encourage DH to go out and do something, but you had asked something else. I think you have asked for some sort of approval to approach the OM. I think if I were a woman, I would have given myself the permission, but I'm not. The previous guy seemed to be a gentleman, but with this one at least you know what to expect, but being cautious doesn't hurt. I don't think that you see yourself falling for this guy, and having a heartbreak, although it is sometimes difficult not to mix lust and love. By the way, the support web site that you mentioned, is it this one? ;-)
I guess I would have to kind of bypass your affair and ask about your marriage. Obviously this had all stemmed from your poor marriage. What if anything do you plan to do about your marriage and fixing it? While this affair is really fun and exciting, you still have your situation at home. I think you should turn your energies into repairing or bringing closure to that. It would be much easier to deal with your marriage on your own terms rather than the issue being forced upon you because for example your husband found out about your affair. Much messier that way.
Thanks for responding to me - I have always found great support here on iVillage and this board is no exception. I'm glad to have this outlet to ask for advice and offer others support.
Yes, my marriage. I have asked him to go out and do something, anything. He has a part time job and as happens with all of his part time jobs, he loves it at first then hates it in just a few short months. His 'income' does nothing to help us make ends meet and I'm even toying with finding a second job so we have just that much more to take care of our children and pay down our debt. I'm motivated and quick moving - I'll do whatever job it takes to support us, even two jobs. Yes it kills me to be a Mom and be away from my girls, but I do what I have to. I pay all of the bills (when we can), take care of the house, the kids, the appointments, the meals, everything even though I usually only have 1 day weekends due to the nature of my job. I spend that day doing everything that should have been done throughout the week.
For over 2 years I've cried, yelled, become a bitch and a nag trying any which way to get him to kick it into gear. If he's going to stay home, DO something! Pitch in, clean up, take the kids places, I don't care. But he doesn't. Nothing changes and I'm sick of everything. My biggest issue now is that I don't feel that I have a partner in my marriage. I'm a Mom to 4 kids including him not 3. For once in my life I want someone to care about me - take care of me and my kids, stand up with me, have my back. I don't have that. I never did with him. He's 2 years younger but it might as well be 10. Everyone said "having kids will change him. He'll find a new drive in the responsibility to care for them and support them." Never happened.
We've been to therapy. He didn't want to continue so we didn't. My frustrated of course grew. At this point, I don't think I love him, or that I ever really did. We make good friends but I don't see myself growing old with him. That's terrible I know but that's the best way I can describe it. I think that's why I turned to others online. I wanted to see that there are men who can act like adults - have their own opinions and thoughts. No this latest AP is not a good match and I don't have enough courage to meet him.
I know I'm ready to call it quits - he doesn't seem to get it. I haven't said that in so many words but I've told him at least twice that if 'things don't change, one of us is going to have to take a break.' In one ear and out the other. Then there are the kids - yes we should stay together for them but when the hell do I get to be happy in life. I'm a role model to my daughters. Do I want to teach them that maybe you can't be happy in your relationship?
Sorry for the ranting. I literally have nobody to say any of this to and I truly look forward to some advice/feedback.
I could be wrong, but in your heart of hearts it sounds like you've already made up your mind. Nobody deserves to be chained to an unhappy marriage where their spouse is unwilling to meet them in the middle and try to make things work. It sounds like he's quite comfortable in the situation, playing the grown-up child and letting you bust your hump to support him and carry the entire burden of your relationship. I think that what happens a lot of times is that a personality such as how you've described his, one that has a tendency to be dependent and needy, often ends up with someone who is more dominant and has the means to carry them and make them comfortable. This would be fine if that was what you wanted, but it sounds like you need an equal. Your husband seems to be making a point of not even trying to be your equal. So I say let him go find his equal (or someone who doesn't mind playing mommy to him and wiping his hiney for the rest of his life) and free yourself to go find yours. It sounds like you're already basically supporting your children on your own, it might take a few adjustments, but it sounds like you're more than capable of doing that. I think that if you continue on this path there will only be more resentment and more attempts to find happiness outside of your marriage and if the children haven't already noticed, they will over time. I think it's best to get out now before this goes any farther, especially since you've tried counseling and he wasn't willing to stick it out. I'm in a similar situation, married to a lump on a log who has no desire to ever be anything or know anything beyond his little box of a world, so I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Love 
