EAS

So here I am, NC day 12, feeling good, reading stuff here, etc. and I can't help but think of him. Things we said, things we did, things we talked about, all the times I thought he was the One, and I just feel sad and sick. My birthday was earlier this week and since I blocked him from my email, which is usualy how he breaks NC, I don't know whether he tried to contact me and that makes me feel like this really, truly is the end. I feel ready for all this sh*t to be over with but I can't help feeling sad. And angry with myself. Why did I allow him to keep coming back?!? Why did I continue the A after I got married?! I feel ill when I think of all the lies, the alibis, missing putting my kids to bed so I could see my xAP. Letting him into my HOME (once) this past year. Why did I do all that for so long? And if my xAP was my soulmate, why did I marry my H?

I'm also feeling defeated because the longest we went with NC was 8 months when I was pg and the only reason he broke it was to send me an email to let me know he knew I was a mom. And I STUPIDLY worked to mend things because I felt I couldn't live knowing he hated me and that's how it ended. So when will I be in the clear? Do years have to pass??

Does this ever really end or will I always have a black mark on my soul and be haunted by the memory of him? It's strange to think about never speaking to him again, not knowing him, wondering what he's doing or where he's living, if he had kids, if he got married and if he loves that woman more than he loved me.

As someone posted, I thought I was driving through the fog with my fog lights on but right now I feel like someone broke one of them. I do NOT want to get sucked back into that fog but I'm definitely not in the clear yet.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I was looking for an old post and came across your post. Sorry no one respond.

HAPPY Belated BIRTHDAY. So sorry that I'm so late :(

Wish I would have come across this sooner!

<<Does this ever really end or will I always have a black mark on my soul and be haunted by the memory of him?>> It does end but the memories will always be there. If you do the soul searching, and find out the "whys" it is easier to understand all that happened. Understanding helped me put many things to rest and have peace. I pray you will find the same.

Big, big hugs,,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Hey gal,

I really could feel your pain and frustration as I read your post.   Try to be patient with yourself.  It's a journey to healing.  Your walking forward now, which is a really good thing.  I am so sorry this is hard right now.  Memories and guilt have a way of paralyzing progress. Don't let them pull you back down.

 I felt that way so many times when though he wasn't even in my life, thoughts of him were with me constantly.  Times and that continual no contact rule really do have a way of at least lifting that heavy weight off your heart and  mind.  And my hope for you is that you can get to that place you can forgive  yourself.  

Take good care, tihg

Hi.....

I so know how you feel...and i understand and relate to what you are going thru.  Plain and simple...this sucks. I too am going thru hell trying to end this after 1 year of back and forth---feeling addicted to him...second guessing, wishing and hoping and planning - and yet too afraid of it all.

I really, really don't know what to tell you as I fear that this will last forever also...I have been married twice and while I want to be married again maybe someday....not really. I would rather feel all that flush of new romance and delicious yearning and capitvating love and passion than feel boredom and misery and safety and security...I just don't know what i want.

I want both...I want danger, and hot buring desire and to feel the rush of a fantastic man that I'm hot for chase me....and yet I want to feel safe and secure...What is wrong with me? I just don't know...I guess the years that i was married I missed that so much...I don't like feeling like a piece of furniture in a marriage.

My first ever romance with a married man---my God he was everything I ever wanted in the beginning....but it didn't last either. Yikes...

This is beyond what I am capable of dealing with.....