It’s day 18 of NC and I’m finding it to be very hard at times. As Iddy correctly put it, I need to purge the A toxins that have built up and are continually rising to the surface, or else I will never move ahead.
The silence is absolutely deafening. While I know that I am better off where I am now than where I was even a month ago, it’s hard to let go. I’m having a really hard time with the fact that I will never again know this person that I knew for so long. I will never know whether he gets married, has children, whether he thinks of me, changes jobs, moves away. Nothing. It’s strange to have someone be the center of your world for so long, and then to know that you will never be in each other’s lives again. I will never hold him. I will never kiss him. I will never share the same inside jokes, and nicknames, and secrets that we once did. I guess this process is about coming to terms with letting go of that, and focusing on the fact that NC = No New Hurts (thanks again, Iddy).
There are some things I need to get off my chest, so I hope no one minds if I do it here.
To my xAP: I should have never gotten involved with you from the start. We were wildly attracted to one another, and it started so innocently, as some lunches and some emails, but I was crazy about you. I didn’t want to end things with my BF because I felt that he was the person I was supposed to marry. But being with you was… exciting. Thrilling. Even before anything physical happened between us. Remember when we were in your apt for the first time? The tension? The awkwardness? I felt like a teenager and it was invigorating. It was THAT feeling that’s kept me in this mess for so long. I kept holding onto that. I fell in love with you. Not real love, because we were never together in a real relationship, but I did feel connected to you, most definitely. In our first 7 months together, we never even talked about ending it with our SO’s and being together. Not once. Then your GF found out, and that blew my world to pieces. I should’ve run then. I should’ve run as fast as I could. But I couldn’t let go of that high that I got from you. With my world in pieces, I clung to you as a connection to someone, something, that understood me, that knew it was much more than tawdry sex whenever we could have it. I clung to you because I felt I had nowhere else to go. And the high was still amazing. At that point, it got dangerous, because people knew. People talked. So the sneaking around was at a higher level. I had to take the stairs instead of the elevator. I had to become more creative at my lies. I had to change the fundamentals of who I was, just to feel that rush, and to continue to convince myself I was in love with you. But I never left my BF. Never talked about it. And you only told me you wanted to be with me once your GF found out. You were a coward and got the easy way out by her finding one of my “love letters”. And your family – your family thought you were “cool” for having a couple of girls fighting over you. You didn’t go through the shame and embarrassment that I had to. You didn’t have to witness your father crying because he just realized his daughter lost her virginity and it wasn’t her wedding night (even though you weren’t my first, that’s what he knew).
I never trusted you. Not once. I tried. I tried hard. But you have so many friends. How could I believe that you were sitting at home, without one of them trying to fix you up with someone? You swore it was only me. You swore that up and down and sideways. But I was never 100% convinced. And then I got engaged, and you were devastated. You were devastated because you were alone. If I was such a catch, why didn’t we ever talk about breaking up with our SO’s?!?!? You played the sad puppy dog roll perfectly. You knew all the right buttons to push, to get me to come crawling back, to convince you we could still be together. So we were. I wasted my engagement, running around with you. I felt sick. I hated myself. But I convinced myself that you were my true love and I was getting married to my BF because my family would never accept you, after they found out about us. Then we broke up before I got married. Then shortly after I was married, we ran into each other. I went with you to your office to pick up your things after a meeting. And I kissed you in the elevator. I practically threw myself at you. And there it was – I crossed the line as a married woman. I had the chance to make a clean start. A faithful start. And I blew it. I blew it because I allowed you to have control over me. It makes me sick.
Then we stayed together for a while, and it was exciting again. Oh how I missed that high. I missed out on the start of my married life, because I was running around with you. Threw it away, just like my engagement.
We would break up, and get back together, and break up again, and get back together again. Cycle through, every time. Then H and I were trying to get pregnant. And finally, I did. Instead of being 100% ecstatic at the news of my pregnancy from the doctor, you crossed my mind. “This is it.” I thought. This means we will never be together. And I felt sick, disheartened, sad. Another special moment in my life that I simply threw away because of our relationship. So I ended the A because I couldn’t have you in my life while I was pg. Then, 2 weeks after my DD was born, there was the email… “I heard you had a kid. Congratulations. I guess you got everything you wanted in life.” I was put into a tail spin. I was angry, hurt, devastated, confused, angry again. How DARE you send me such an email! My life was no longer any of your business. You and I were OVER for 8 months. I don’t care that you figured out that I was pg when we were still talking. It was OVER.
My devastation, confusion, sadness, post partum… whatever…. caused me to try to get you back into my life because I wanted to be on “good terms” with you. Talk about a FOG. I couldn’t bear the thought of that being our last communication. When in reality, I should’ve blocked you from my email long ago. So there I was, manipulated again and looking for that damn high.
So for 2 years, we were together again. And guess what – the first two years of my DD’s life, I was so busy sneaking around to call you, to see you, to be close to you, it was another special time in my life that was wasted because I was with you. Thrown away. What are we up to now, 3 times? I lost count.
You’re a liar and a cheat. I’m no better, but you are not someone I would want to build a life with. I would never trust you. I would never feel like I was number 1 in your life. I always loved you more than you loved me, and you know it. You never had to make any sacrifices. You were able to sit back and wait for me to come around. Then I would have the long drive home, while you could sit around some more and wait for the next time.
I’m glad you ended things when you did. Thank you. You finally did something worthy of respect. I’m just sorry I tried to stop you a month prior. Boy, that was a lowpoint. Crying, begging for you to stay. PATHETIC. I changed who I was for you. I changed my morals. I compromised the important moments in my life. And for what? FOR NOTHING. What we had was nothing more than an attempt to escape reality and to fill a void in ourselves. It was fantasy. Pure and simple. I could never live with you. As it was, in the past year, whenever I was at your place, I hated the time I was there, except for when we were in bed. I hated your quirks, your habits, your lifestyle. Your fanaticism about sports, your long, long, long list of friends and acquaintances that you felt you needed to keep around you. I hated that you traveled so much. I hated that you felt you could be a fan of the various local sports teams in the town you were in. I hated your job. I hated your apartment. Life is not about hot sex on the balcony, it’s about paying bills, raising kids, talking current events, dealing with our jobs, etc. We would’ve never worked out. Never.
So I need to realize that I’m recovering from an addiction. I need to realize I was addicted to the “high” I got from being with you. From the excitement of doing something “bad”. I am not getting over YOU or some lost love. I’m getting over that addiction, and that’s going to take time. During our previous NC, I used to forget about all the crap that drove me nuts, all the times you’d make me paranoid because you wouldn’t answer your phone or return my text. Well not this time. This time I’m going to remember all this sh*t I put up with for 8 ½ years. All the pain and hurt that I went through time and time and time again. And now, I will never, ever waste another special moment in my life because of you. Not one. No more.
I’ve blocked you from my email (finally) so you’ll have to send something to my work account to reach me (not likely). I should’ve blocked you years ago, since you always used email to break the NC, but I just wasn’t ready. I’m ready now. I can’t teach my DD about morals living an immoral life. It doesn’t work that way. I’m not going to stay out late anymore so that I can see you and end up completely exhausted the next day and not 100% myself for my family.
And here’s one more thing – my DH may not be the most exciting guy. He may not make my toes curl up when we’re in bed, but you know what? He’s a better man than you will EVER hope to be. And I’m thankful that I made the right choice all those years ago. I’m just sorry it’s taken me this long to realize it.
-Gal
Love 
