What "Lies" Ahead?

empowerment1

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What "Lies" Ahead?

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27501.1

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empowerment1

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Oct-29 4:38 pm

Hi All,

It’s been kind-of slow on here so maybe you will be more tolerant of one of my long winded posts. I have a question at the end for all…so please bear with me.

I recently bumped into a friend that I haven’t talked to in a while. She was telling me about her mom’s D. Her mom married a man that she found out on their wedding night was impotent. She was of course upset and hurt but she ended up staying M to the man because they had become good friends and he was good to her in every other way. They tried other ways to be intimate but she learned that he really had zero sex drive so intimacy fell by the wayside. She still stayed with him even though she felt like he lied to her and mislead her. He was a good provider and good in every other aspect to her.

The reason they divorced is because she found out he was having several EA’s on line. She found IM’s/emails where he was telling the OW(plural) that his wife refused to have sex with him. She also found he was making calls to them on his cell phone. He mentioned nothing about his sexual dysfunction to the OW(plural)…in the IM’s & emails he blamed ALL his sexual problems in his M on his W. She asked him to stop contacting the OW(plural) and he didn’t…so she filed for D. (Aren’t you proud of me for keeping it cut and dry…short…well kind-of?)

Well one of the women actually contacted W because the W told her pastor why she was getting a D. I guess she also told some other women in the church too and well word got around about his impotence. So this OW accuses her (the W) of spreading rumors and calls her (W’s) home number ranting at her. Here is where the story gets funny in a sad way. My friend is a comedian and had a much more humors take on things when she was explaining the situation. At the end, I was laughing so hard I was crying. Ok so back to the tale of woe….

I’ll cut some out and say that after the D, this OW and the xH end up getting M. Guess what? The OW who is now the new W is filing for D…guess why? Yep…she figured out he really was impotent.

So finally, here is what it all made me think about and leads me to the question I’d like to pose to all here. Obviously the new W had a heads up on the situation but ignored it and chose to believe the AP which eventually became her H. At the time of the call I mentioned above, the W even told the OW that she was not the only one her H was having an EA with on line. The OW told W, “Oh you're just making that up because you want to make me go away…well I’m not…we’re in love”. The W even offered to show the OW the emails and IM’s she found. OW did not want to see them.

Is it A fog? Is it that the OW or in some cases OM wants to believe that their AP is a good person and so they chose to believe the AP’s words as gospel i.e. they must be having the A because “their spouse” is a bad person—doesn’t care—is not meeting their needs?

Ok, Ok so finally to the BIG question to all. What lies did you tell xAP that they believed or what lies did xAP tell you that you believed?

I will chime in with mine afterwards. Some of you know some of mine if you’ve read my previous posts. I will be on a little more today but won’t be on much if at all over the next few days. I will answer back though but please give me a little time to do so.

I have something else that goes hand and hand with all of this but I'll save it for my response.

Much love and big hugs if you read through the whole post,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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bandk73

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What "Lies" Ahead?

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bandk73

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empowerment1

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Oct-29 5:13 pm

Em, that's a great lesson and great story too.

Ok, what lies did I tell ? hmm...

I Love You, I adore You. - For about the first 2 years, I thought I did. Then I had to find some way to back pedal and get out of it. Lies or fog ? Dunno

I lied when I said I can't see you because of ____ (insert a myriad of excuses) Often just the efforts to see him were not worth it. Or I lied and said H was home when he was really half way across the world. I just wanted some alone time.

I lied about being able to keep up with him on a mountain hike. I made it, but it was tough afterwards.

I lied about enjoying sex with him. Way, way too much (for me) to be enjoyable. It was all about what he had to prove to himself. I lied about orgasms just to get him to stop :-)

I lied when I told him how handsome he was. He's not. I'd never look at him or even give him a second look if I were single.

I lied when I pumped him up full of compliments. What was I thinking.

Actually, I was lying to myself during the entire affair. We fed off each other's lies which were born to feed our fantasies.

I'm guessing he did the same. I know he lied to me about not having time for me. He had to of lied about it. No one is as busy as he said, he's just not that important.

I feel he lied to me about how he yells my name from mountain tops. Come on - who does that? I think he lied to me about a lot of little things in his life, but on the flip side of that, he was very open and brutally honest. Go figure.

I think he really wanted me for sex, when he said over and over that wasn't the case. He said he loved me so often I began to question that.

I guess he lied to me about his wife. He wasn't attracted to her sexually, so he said. She's not ugly, in fact he thought she was beautiful. But he had issues with her in bed. Used me to prove his ability to attract other women - ???

I think he believed his own lies.

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trixie1313

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What "Lies" Ahead?

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trixie1313

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empowerment1

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Oct-29 5:45 pm

Hello our long-winded friend :) Here is my long-winded 2 cents :)

Personally I don't think that lies between partners are limited to A situations. I know of quite a few single people who were so in love, got married and ended up with horrendously manipulative and dishonest partners with tons of evil skeletons in their closets (past physical abuse on a spouse, hidden past marriages and children, lying about their financial status or health, etc.) Sounds like your friend's mom ended up with one of those people.

People always want to believe in best in others, and it hurts when we find out we're being deceived.

People in A's lie a lot in general because the situation in itself requires much deception to be kept alive. I am single and I remember lying to pretty much everyone in my family and friends at some point, because of the 'shame' of being involved with a MM. And obviously he had to lie to his W. He also lied to me on a number of things, in the hopes that I would remain in the affair and not leave him.

>> Is it A fog? Is it that the OW or in some cases OM wants to believe that their AP is a good person and so they chose to believe the AP’s words as gospel i.e. they must be having the A because “their spouse” is a bad person—doesn’t care—is not meeting their needs?

My opinion is that 'A fog' and 'Infatuation' are very similar. They involve the same hormonal cocktail. When you're dating someone new and you're falling in love, they can do no wrong.... and at some point those chemicals fade away and real life bonding sets in, with a real person, warts and all. Or, you become disillusioned and you break up. Except than in an affair, you don't spend enough 'real life' time with the other person for the infatuation to dissipate and real-life bonding to take its place.

I don't think that everyone starts or rationalizes an A because their partner is not meeting their needs and is 'bad'. I've seen lots of cases here of ladies who had 'wonderful, perfect' husbands at home, still ended up in an affair, and couldn't quite explain it. As well as single people like myself - why end up in an affair if you're single? In my case I can boil it down to 'infatuation' with my xAP. He 'represented' everything I thought I wanted. Boy did I learn a lesson or two, lol

:-)

xoxo

trixie

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”

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logancollie

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What "Lies" Ahead?

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logancollie

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trixie1313

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Oct-29 6:18 pm

OOOHHHH, good question!!!

What lies, oh my goodness there were tons:

He loved me,

He hated his wife and had divorce papers in his brief case.

He was going to get his wife admitted permanently to a pshycological hospital, she is an alcoholic.

He was ultimately making his way towards me, he just needed to get his life in order.

And this was the clincher for me, he was only having me on the side when I caught him with someone else. That had done it for me, permanently!!!!

There are more, but I'm saying to myself, why keep drudging it up. I'm looking forward to what you have to add to your original post;)

WE DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!

YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME---PROVE IT!!! OTHERWISE YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME!!!

Thanks for this post, Logancollie

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kierstin75

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What "Lies" Ahead?

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kierstin75

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Oct-29 8:46 pm

Hmmm.. I told several lies. Many of my friends, family, and co-workers thought we were a "real" couple. They had no idea he was actually married. I also told him I thought he was really attractive. Ha! He was lucky I couldn't see for the fog! Even my friends have told me they thought I was crazy showing his pic around like he was hot! I also told him my xH was broke, so I didn't receive anything in the divorce. Yeah..ummm..ok! When he asked me to cash a personal check of his, I knew I had to play broke!

His lies...

Everything that came out of his mouth, except for "I'm married."

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EAS

What "Lies" Ahead?

What "Lies" Ahead?

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