EAS

September 26th was Dday. He wife found out.

We are co-workers who have been involved for over 2yrs.

I will tell my story on my next post, but the long and short of it is that its not much different than what everyone else has said has happened to them.

And while my heart was broken beyond belief , I have found a great deal of solace reading the posts here...thank you so much.

Well back to my situation. After dday he took two weeks off work, supposedly to be with his dying father, but I later found out it was two weeks vac to be with his wife. He then came back to work off and on while visiting his father.The few days he was at work he was telling me he needed to figure out what he needed to do and that he loved me and couldn't be without me.  Well last Friday he left at lunch to go see his father and I went to put some papers on his desk- his email was open (with the last email he'd opened showing to the side - its Outlook). It was from his wife and it was about rebuilding her self esteem and asking what could they do together over the weekend etc...Well I read the whole string and he told her things they should do that made him feel closer to her. I could not breath when I read that. I called him and told him left his mail open and I'd seen the last email. He tried to call back but I just couldn't talk. He came back right away and said he was just trying to keep the peace...but I called his lie saying no one says those things to make up in order to break up. Well on Monday the 26th of Oct he told me he tried to break it off  with his W but he couldn't  (I really don't think he did this) and it was over for us...but of course he stilled loved me and always would (what BS). The pain was unimaginable (at least to me...) and I gave him short note that day telling him how it hurt to have someone say they loved and wanted you and then to say they didn't anymore. Shortly after he had a call to come to be with his father...his father died the next day.

I have not heard from him in last four days...and to be honest didn't expect to.

So essentially we've had almost a month of NC and four days since it was formally over.

In the mean time I have been on an emotional roller coaster, which after reading here and realizing it wasn't meant to be...I'm just now plain pissed.

So the yesterday I let myself into his office to get some manuals I needed and I open his desk drawer and saw the last note I gave him...I took that and his hidden stash of Cilas (not going to make that little item go easier for him with his W).

I will not let my pain stroke his ego...so I took the letter.

Despite the pain the first few days, I have been steadily getting better with dealing with the reality of the situation. But today its has hit me hard that on Monday he will be back and the fear dealing with him and the pain he's caused is  intense.

So I've copied a lot of different things from here that I found inspirational or just the cold hard truth that I needed to remember and I put them into my calendar so that throughout the days next week they would  pop up inspire me to stay strong.

But I am nervous about next week. We have offices next to each other and most people in our company see us as a team.

I don't have the option of finding another job...though I have started to look, and with the economy I don't think he will have much luck either...though I suspect his wife will be pushing him to quit.

I am just not looking forward to Monday...and I DO NOT want back on the rollercoaster ...no matter what...I want to move forward...but I am afraid.

Thank you for listening and if anyone has anything to offer on coping with LC I'd be grateful to know what that is...

Hi butterbee,

I only have a few mins. on today to post. I will be thinking about you and praying for you on Monday. I know there are several people on here in LC situations that will hopefully chime in before Monday to give you some pointers.

One thing that I remember from Iddy is that the one that reacts the least has the most power. It will be hard but it is possible. It's time to take back your power.

Please post back and let us know how things go on Monday.

Much love and big, big hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Dear BB - I'm so sorry for your pain. I work with my xAP too. He's my boss. Most of the time it's a hellish nightmare. Then on a rare day, here and there - it can be manageable, tolerable almost. The only thing I can say is to hang on to your better judgment at all times. Do not believe for one minute that even though he's chosen to work things out with his wife, that means he won't come sniffing around you anymore. He will.

 My xAP did divorce his wife and expected me to leave my BF. But I knew the xAP was all wrong for me. (This came from months of therapy - btw.) I knew I could never trust him. The hurt he'd caused in the past was too much to ignore. The red flags about who he was (a liar, a cheat, a sex addict, mentally unbalanced, controlling) were glaring at me. Then there was the love I still had for my BF. When I told xAP that I would not be with him he got over me in record time and was with another girl before I could wipe away my tears. His explanation, "Nobody wants to be lonely. Love you though. Always will." Little did I know, those last two words was his way of warning me that he'd be relentless in his pursuit to keep me entangled in his web. These men love to keep the door opened just enough so that they can stick their foot back in whenever they feel like it.

This is a rough road. I know this all too well. Try to keep your sights on reality. Forget the romance. Forget what "might have been" if this was a perfect world and everything always added up. It isn't and it almost never does. I had to force/train myself to think like that. It wasn't easy, but worth the effort. Stay as business-like as possible. Avoid any personal topics, emotional displays and anything that might lead to you two being alone. Keep reminders of your broken heart nearby and then never forget who it was courtesy of.

I don't know if any of these things will help much. I just know that the sooner it's behind you for good, the better off you'll be. I wish you the best and of course, peace of mind.

Good luck - Mia

BB12,

There is so much I would like to say to you but first, I am glad that you have been reading the posts here for strength and knowledge. Be sure to read the Healing Library at the bottom of the main page and find the threads on D-Days, and "How to maintain LC at the workplace", if you haven't already.

Because there was a D-Day, your situation will be different than most Enders who have worked with their XMM's, me included. His wife never found out about us. I am most certain that had she discovered the A, I probably wouldn't be working there right now. She would have insisted that I take a hike. <he's my boss>. If your Xmm is not your boss or higher up than you, chances are your job is safe. If his wife wanted you fired, it would have happened by now, but she probably also realizes that by creating waves, her H could lose his job too.

Try to understand that he has suffered several loses here; his father, the trust of his wife, and you/the A. It is adamant that you stay out of his drama no matter how badly you may want to know what's going on. He has a lot on his plate right now, and he'll be in damage control mode for quite a while, not to mention his own grieving that he'll have to manage.

This has to be about you now. To save yourself and your job, you must be ready to protect yourself at all costs. Limit all conversations to business only and if you have your own office, keep the door shut so you won't see him walking by. Delete any emails he sends or save them in a hidden folder for your own protection, but DO NOT respond to any of them. If need be, you will be able to show your supervisor that he is the one doing the pursuing. OTOH, he may be very cold and distant to you; it all depends on where his head is at when he returns. Do not let your ego get in the way if he does act stoic toward you. He has much healing to do too and he is not trusting his judgment right now.

This is the time to show not only some dignity, <no more prying into Xmm's personal stuff or office>, but to also feel some humility for the pain the two of you have caused his wife. She is the innocent party here and your awareness of this is mandatory. You need to see her as a real person whose world has been turned upside down. Perhaps reading the Betrayed Spouses Board will give you some insight into the devastation she is experiencing. Once we can honestly admit to ourselves that we crossed a forbidden line, is when we can start forgiving ourselves and the XAP. As they say, "You play, you pay." As harsh as that sounds, its very applicable to affairs.

I am 5 years out of my A now and still work with Xmm. It's just the two of us in the office on most days but I never wavered from my resolve to put the A behind me. He had more difficulty in letting go than I did, perhaps because he always thought I would give in again. Not this time. I did not like the person I had turned into and something had to change. I learned the hard way that it was ME who had to do the changing; in thoughts, actions, emotions, etc. It does not matter what they want or think anymore because now it is about you and your survival after such an emotional upheaval. He cannot make you feel better. He cannot solve your problems or diminish your pain. Only you can do this through distance and time.

Let us know how your week goes and don't be afraid to bring any questions or concerns to this board as we have seen/heard/read it all. You are among people now who understand what you are going through.

(((Hugs)))

Iddy

~We cannot change anything unless we accept it.- Carl Jung~