EAS

xAP's birthday is later this week. In a month, there is also "Bandk's Day" (not my bday, just a special day for him) Anyway, why after all this time do I still think of him and a wee bit of me still wants to say Happy Birthday to him.  I always made a big deal out of his BDay.

I don't want the affair again and parts of me cannot even stand parts of him. I've asked myself why I even allowed the thought of doing it. I ask what is the real reason, what is the payoff. Am I just really fooling myself if my answer is I just want to be nice and acknowledge his bd? Why do I think I have to be nice to him? He forgot my bd 2 yrs. in a row. He never gave me gifts while I showered him with many very nice, expensive things.

So after over 1yr. NC, why is this still bugging me? I do recognize it as a trigger. But good grief, shouldn't this crap be over with by now, ya know! I really do not want to open a shut door. I've even worked through what if he rejected me some how, then how would I feel - even worse and more ticked -cause all I was doing was saying a simple HBD. I know, I know I do not want him again, I do not want the affair again.  So why is this popping in my thoughts ???

 On the other special day I mentioned above, it just so happened I have my annual women's exam appt.  What irony, what a tangled mess we weave. 

Bandk -

I'm coming to terms with the fact that we shared such a deep, dark secret with these xAP's, that they will probably never be washed from our memory, or merely a passing thought every now and then.  I guarantee, I will always think of my xAP on his bday, no matter how many years pass.  I think that even though we shared a dark side of ourselves (rather than maybe our true selves), it was still a connection that we hung on to pretty tightly, and that's hard to give up.

It sounds like logic is on your side, though, and that you're keeping in mind that no good can come from contacting him.  Either you'll be ignored or rejected (which would hurt) or he would be glad you contacted him and *POOF* all the hard work of the last year of NC would be eroded when that door is cracked open again.  NOT WORTH IT.   But you already knew that.

((HUGS))

Gal

Bandk,

Gal gave a great response and took most of my thoughts right out of my mind. ;-) It *IS* a trigger and because you "always made such a big deal out of them", you are letting your mind to take a "once upon a time" trip down memory lane.

Remember how we always talk about envisioning a big red STOP sign when our thoughts drift into dangerous territory. It's just another day, Bandk, and it will come and go like all of the rest. Just keep busy and it will pass by quickly enough.

((Hugs))

Iddy

~We cannot change anything unless we accept it.- Carl Jung~

Good morning Bandk,

I have been away with the family and I am catching up with posts from the last week, but I read your post this morning and, as specific as it was, I could have written it myself!  My xap's b-day is in a week and I am going through the same feelings that you described. It is so frustrating and I don't have anyone with whom I can discuss what I am feeling.  I don't usually make this request, but I was wondering if you could e-mail me through my profile.  I think it might help us both to get past this little snag. 

Looking forward to catching up and posting here.  I've missed this group!

I always become a little nostalgic on xAP's birthday also because when I used to work with him, the whole department made a big deal out of it, and I always at least gave him a card when we weren't in the affair, or a little more when we were ;-).

However, this past year, not doing anything to acknowledge his birthday gave me a feeling of power.  I know he knows that I know it's his birthday, and he likely expects to hear from me with a card or something - even though he would never admit that - but I did not give him that satisfaction.

I'm one of the few people on here who is still friends with xAP - although long distance and with few and far between contacts - but even so, the affair is definitely over for good and I will continue to refuse to acknowledge his birthday.  Maybe that sounds childish, but it works for me!