EAS

Hi pe and welcome,

If you read the board a bit you will quickly realize that a lot of posters here were in a similar situation. Hugs to you.

Yes, this guy is using you. He is a total cake-eater. No one is ever 'trapped' in a marriage, he just doesn't want to get out of it and since he has you on the side for sex, why should he. You're making it easy for him to STAY in his marriage. Don't you deserve more than that? Nod your head, Yes :)

We all loved the attention we had from our affairs and yes it's not easy to give up and move on. It's up to you what you want out of life; just know that if you decide you want a real life relationship he will not be the man to give that to you. He will never give you more than what he's giving now.

peace and hugs,

trixie xo

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”

Hi there,

I wanted to say hello.  You are so smart to post here. In fact,let me point out that when I started to post, everything started making sense. This is a super place to find your way back home to your heart.  We are all on different places of this path of recovery and want to help each other out of the pit of despair.

  I stayed in a very deadend situation for nearly two years and I have to say that if it played out anything like my deal, he will not change. 

But here is the good news. YOU get to change and take control of an uncontrollable situation.   Grab hold of the steering wheel and find that power deep inside of yourself to end this.  It is very hard. I get that. It was devastating, i thought.  But looking back, not so much now. But it was scary to end it at the time. I was so dependent on him for my own happiness.

But again, good, good news: I am happy again.  No more nutty stuff going on. I claimed back life and have made sense of it all.  And yes, it was moment by moment,cell by cell  and a lot of hard work.

But again, more really good news:   the peace you will find is far better than the soul sucking merrygo round ride that you are on.  You can do this.

Here is a good thing to remember - YOU can become signifigant to yourself...you can find that power deep inside of you to just be happy deep inside of you. Men cannot do that. Friends cannot...we have to dig deep and find that place of joy.

Embrace you today and know that we are all cheering for you.  You are worth it. He is not.

sending you hugs and much strength today, tihg

Thank you so much for your message. I feel so weak in this. I got out of an abusive marriage for 25 years. right after that I fell into this. I guess I needed attention and he seemed safe. I am stronger now, but he has a way of bringing me back into it. For one thing, I am lonely. The work I do is solitary. I lost my job awhile ago. I used to be very involved in my church, but when I got divorce, I lost many friends. The church does not like divorced women. I am ashamed of what I am doing. I know it's wrong. It's almost like I am willing to do all this just to have someone. He never committs to anything or answers a direct question. In this last argument he told me that my anger is directed to him because of my marriage. That I am mean to him. All he wants he says is just the relationship and no hassles. He really is playing with my head. I have never deliberately hurt anyone, never been told I am mean. He refuses to accept the fact that this is an unnatural situation and it is adding to the anxiety. He keeps telling me that he can tell me anything, that his wife has no time for him. he goes on and on about how amazing our sex is, but seems to speak less about the rest of it. I want more, but I am afraid of my bad judgement and getting into another unhealthy relationship. I don't have money for counseling, and I can't go to the church. I am trying really hard to stick with this last breakup, (two days). he called me yesterday and said he couldn't understand why I keep pushing him away. Now he is trying to involve me with his son, who needs help with tutoring.I don't think he will leave his wife. He hints at it, but I don't know what is true anymore.

This is exhausting, and interferes with my work. I want to be happy. It's odd, but I miss him even though we fight so much.

Do you have any ideas on how to be strong?

Hi PE -

I don't post here very often, but had to reply to your post -

"All he wants he says is just the relationship and no hassles."

This is just another way of saying he wants you for the sex and he wants you there for him when he wants you, but he doesn't want the "bother" of a true relationship and the heck with what YOU want.  Of course he doesn't want any hassles - who does??  As long as things are going the way he wants, great.  If not, it's your fault and you're being mean.  You're right when you say he's playing with your head - and he's going to drag you down even more the longer you allow it to continue. 

" Now he is trying to involve me with his son, who needs help with tutoring.I don't think he will leave his wife."

You're right - he's not going to leave his wife.  He can hint at it all he wants, but there's a 99.9% chance that it's not going to happen.  This is just another way of keeping you where he wants you.  If he wants a tutor for his son - tell him to go out and hire one. 

"This is exhausting, and interferes with my work. I want to be happy. It's odd, but I miss him even though we fight so much."

And the longer it continues, the more exhausting it will become and you will be further away from being happy.  You miss him because right now, to you, even negative attention is better than no attention.  Staying in this affair with the hopes of something more is not the way to happiness.

"Do you have any ideas on how to be strong?"

You need to take the time to be alone with yourself and to take the time for introspection.  Your abusive marriage of 25 yrs ended recently and now you've jumped into what sounds like an emotionally abusive affair looking for validation, companionship, attention, etc.   You need to take the time to allow yourself to be alone, to get to know yourself, and be happy in your own skin.  You also need to figure out why you're getting involved in these abusive relationships.  Happiness, validation, etc. can't come from the outside - these things have to start from within and you have to believe that you deserve more and that nobody has the right to physically or emotionally abuse you - ever. 

How do you do it?  Well, the simple answer is "You just do".  YOU are the only thing that YOU have complete control over.  You cannot control anyone else's actions.  You cannot control how other people treat you.  But you CAN control your actions and to a large extent, your thoughts.  If you need the help of a church and your current church does not believe in divorce, find a new church.  Maybe a non-denominational church - there are millions of church-going divorced people out there.  Find support groups such as this one online and read all you can.  Find things that you like to do and do them to take your mind off of your divorce, affair, etc.  Concentrate on the realization that you are worthwhile just because you're you and you don't need a man or a relationship to validate you.