EAS

OK I woke up so angry this morning.

I just want to verbally lash out at XAP. I know it won't help, but its bubbling under the surface so STRONG!!

I came in to work early to just to try and simmer down, and he shows up early as well.

I want to scream at him what a liar he was over the last two years! To look at what all of his lies has done and all the people he's hurt. Why the he** didn't he let me leave on my terms when I tried!!

And before one of you scolds me ...I know what I did was wrong as well.

The pain and anger are so strong today....I really don't know what to do....I just want to cry.

bb,

Ah, that 'ol anger is getting the better of you. BTDT. Do nothing, say nothing to him.

Vent here or in a private journal. But don't give him the pleasure of seeing you upset. It gives him more power, in a way. Anger has a way of helping us get through some of the early days and weeks. It can help you see things you ignored or covered up during the affair.

If you can out of the office today, please do. Get in another enviornment for a while - lunch out - a walk, anything but try to get away. 

 Hold your head up and be so glad you are out of the mess. This is a tough time for you. Sorting through the why's and how come's are impossible to ignore. It's all part of the healing process. Just know that one day you will get past it, but I won't lie, it's not easy. Have a plan to put into action - make a pact with yourself as how you will react when you start feeling so mad you think you will explode. It's ok to be mad and angry, just don't let it control your behavior and actions. I made the mistake many times during my ending of reacting to my anger. It always ended up with me looking like the idiot. I finally learned to chanel that anger into being quiet. Silence says so much more than words.

Remember, a life well lived is the best revenge. Who said that? :-) I know I read it here.  Big hugs butterbee, take care of yourself.

Hi Butterbee,

Hopefully you will be home and have had a glass of wine by the time you read my reply.

It sounds like you’re angrier than a pre-menopausal woman who is PMSing while she is stuck in rush hour traffic after leaving home late for work and is wearing her coffee on her new white blouse. On days like that, you can only hope you wore comfortable shoes because who needs aching feet on top of it all.

Whew…I can only begin to imagine how hard you had to bite your tongue today. On the up side, maybe it will be so swollen tomorrow from your teeth marks that you won’t be able to talk thus avoiding telling xAP what an @$$ he is.

OK all kidding aside. It is so hard to have to look at or interact with them after the A ends. One very wise lady that is in a LC situation shared with me; It’s a continual hurt. Each day a simple look or ANYTHING they say or don’t say, can open up the wound. It’s hell but you have the strength of the ladies on her in LC who have made it to the other side.

Hmmmm makes me wonder if for those who can carry pepper spray legally, can say they accidentally sprayed their xAP because it was dark in the hallway and they thought he was an attacker. Probably wouldn’t hold up in court. A Taser would be out of the question but you could always shuffle across the carpet and shock xAP every time he was in your vicinity. I better stop because someone’s going to take me seriously and commit some illegal act and in their defense say…E1 said to do it.

Much love and big, big hugs as you take it moment by moment to get through to the other side and keep your wits and humor through it all,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

I didn't do well today.

I did lash out at XAP...though not as much as I wanted.

I really tried...but he was behaving as if nothing happened and I just snapped. I slammed the office door shut and through clenched teeth snapped "What do you expect of me...like nothing happened...why are you here?" I was so furious. He said he'd leave but he thought we could work together. I asked how his wife was doing with that and he said she hates it (well DUH!!). I don't remember how we got there but I remember telling him that he lied to me for the last two years and if I hadn't seen the email he'd still be lying to me. I still don't remember all of it ...but told him that I was very angry and hurt by what he'd done. He said he was so sorry he hurt me...I told him to get out. I was physically shaking.

Within the hour he was so smug...and I knew that I had made a huge mistake! I ended up giving me what he wanted with my anger.

I've read so much here and I knew better...but I did it anyway. It put me in a worse place with my feelings.

I went out at lunch and cried ,and then again on the way home.

Therapy is seriously sounding like something that will do me some good.

PS. EL1 I do have a taser in my car....hmmmmm... no chance of having an "accident" with it...the thought does make me laugh though. I'd be sure to shoot it toward his you know what!I certainly don't have a need for it anymore!!!  Thank you.

Butterbee,

After a day like that it makes you wonder if people in Hell are having a better day. Thank God that Taser stayed in the car.

<<I'd be sure to shoot it toward his you know what! I certainly don't have a need for it anymore!!!  Thank you.>> Thank you…I’m still laughing.

So sorry that you had such a trying day.!!! On the up side no one’s bleeding and other than some bruised egos and regrets all will be ok. I’m laughing at your xAP. He is getting it from both sides—his W and you. Oh his life cannot be fun right now. He’s gotta feel more uncomfortable than a third world country pregnant woman that’s having labor pains while working in the fields. I don’t think he could pay anyone to stand in his place right now.

I know you are in just as much pain if not more over all this. I wish there was an easy way to deal with it. T is a good idea. They can often give you tools that help deal with it all. It’s also nice to have someone to talk to openly about all that is going on.

I haven’t had my wine yet as I’m waiting for dinner. Does white or red go with tuna melts?  I usually cook a full dinner like yesterday we had curry shrimp over brown rice. Today I’m taking a little break ;)

I would venture to guess dinner for you will be something that involves well tenderized meat. Gotta find healthy ways to get that frustration out.  Hopefully you took some stress off and got some carry out.

Much love, and big, BIG, hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.