EAS

Hi GML,

Welcome to EAS. Hope you will stay and read especially in the Healing Library which is a little more than half way down on the main EAS page.

For me after D-day, I could not focus on anything. I was thankfully in IC so I had somewhere to turn and a place to talk about all the pain I was feeling from ending the A. A close friend of the family gave me the best advice letting me know that rebuilding a M is about both people being restored and made whole. It’s not about going back to the same ‘ol same ‘ol and settling. That is not rebuilding.

Ending my A alone did not save my M. Hard work on both my H and my part along with changes not only in how we did things but in how our entire M was set up. I learned in MC that the way we had are M set up was a recipe for failure. The only amazing thing is that we made it for 18 + years before it started to unravel.

I came to three very important conclusions after self-healing and restoring my M:

1.       I could not fully focus on my H and my M until I had some time and distance from xAP. (Many who have restored their M’s here on EAS also support this conclusion.)

2.       That the A had MORE to do with me and how I had set up my life and how my M was set up than it had to do with a bad M.  (Some people think bad M so that is why you had the A. This is false thinking. It has more to do with what is going on with you then you may realize right now. People have bad M’s and it does not mean they will have an A.)

3.       A marriage can only be fully rebuilt and restored if BOTH parties are willing to work hard and make changes. Both my H and I had to be committed to the M and rebuilding and we both had to make changes.

Keep reading and posting here!

Much love and big hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

I can totally relate to you. My husband is the same. Yes, my a's wife found out but in the end, I wound up telling my H. I had to. I was too scared the W would tell and I knew no real change would happen unless he realized that I want to work on it.

He is hurt but doesn't want to talk about it. Both of us are acting nicer now. I'm not sure if telling was the right idea but he kind of guessed. I was acting too nice, guilty like, he asked. My A was mostly emotional.

My H and I had almost no physical relationship. I'm trying to rebuild it. But I do feel that your H needs to know that you at least had feelings for someone else. And that you want to create a stronger M. Otherwise, I think you may be just waiting for another A in the future.

Its a hard lonely road. I've cried and cried and cried. I'm still not sure my M will work in the long term. I had no lows from the A. That is the hardest part. We were honestly perfect together. But children are at stake so I truely want a better M.

I hate myself for being that kind of person. But through the years I've begged my H to get counceling with me, or even read a book, but he won't. So I basically fell in love with a friend. And it was addiciting. I'm still confused.

lifeback,

  What Empowerment has said to you is great advice. Many of us here are struggling to not only get back our real lives, but to make it better than before the affair.

  I often said to myself, if I could put the energy into my marriage that I put into the affair, it would be the sweetest marriage on earth. But I know how silly that sounds. We go into an affair so fogged up with the wonders of xAP that we put our entire souls into making it work. It's the new shiny toy we can't wait to play with - kinda. We don't do that with our spouses - we know them, the shiny toy is now dull and we've lost interest. Perhaps the trick is to find new ways to play with the old toy. And I'm not talking about sex, but that can't hurt either. I know from experience how difficult it can be. It will not happen overnight once you start NC. For me it took months and months of grieving the end of the affair, realizing what I almost lost and then slowly seeing my husband in a different light. During the affair, he could do nothing right in my eyes. I damned every move he made - of course xAP was my knight on a white horse - he was perfect. Wrong.

   I am lucky I woke up and realized my marriage wasn't near the disaster I made it out to be. Give yourself some time to accept the end of the affair. Don't expect a complete turnaround overnight. Hang around, hopefully we can help you get through this. hugs