EAS

Ok, so I did it. After 3 days of very painful LC, talked to AP just now and told him NC from here on out. Deleted all the old emails and photos. Feel like I want the world to open up and swallow me whole. We ended talk with mutual "I love you and want the best for you; this is the best." and our understanding that we're going to both come out of the other side of this pain better, more whole people. But... right now? I just want to die. I can't breathe and I feel like I ripped out my own heart - the pain is worse than I could ever have imagined.

I'm very thankful for this site and the people who share on it. Thank you.
Dee.

Dee,

I feel your pain. I can honestly say I have never felt as much pain as this and I, like you, had hard such a hard time breathing when it was over.

I have had LC, but not by choice. My XAP works with me (office next to mine) but has come into work intermittently. He was not there today. The first day this week ,and at first it was hard but I felt better as the day wore on.

After Dday he was off work for a week and by the end of the first week I was in a slightly better place only to know he was returning the following week. And when he did the pain was immense. I wanted to talk with him and I wanted him to talk with me. One minute I hated him and the next, missed him immensely. This has been worse than the roller coaster I was on during our A.

Point being that I would have never thought that I could live with NC, but after very brief periods of NC...I wish I had the option of NC period .

This board has been a lifesaver for me. Read. Read and Read some more. There is a lot of wisdom and straight forward advice here.

I still have so many issues to work through and I know I have a long way to go...but I am trying to have hope that this pain will lessen and I seek solace here when I need a reminder.

There is a recent post on acceptance here...I love that post . I copied it and taped it to my monitor.

Another is a signature of a regular poster (sorry I can't recall who):

"Its not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain".

Another thing I've done is to stay as busy as possible. And I've tried not to be alone as much as possible. Its hard to let your mind wonder if you are "forcing" (and I do mean force) yourself to interact with someone or some activity (tenderizing meat when your having a bad day is a great stress reducer - thanks E1).

I am sure others who have been here much longer, and who have helped me, can offer more advice.

So many here have said there better days ahead...so have hope.

BB

"You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around...Choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life"  Author Unknown

Congrats. Dee,

Hope you are still keeping up the NC.

<<Deleted all the old emails and photos.>> This is huge. It's a a giant step (I think that is the biggest one in "Mother May I"...I'm I the only one ancient enough to remember that game?

It takes many months to get to the deleting stage. Give yourself a pat and a hug I can't stress how big of an accomplishment this is.

Hi Butterbee...I like your quote.

Much love and big hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.