EAS

Hi,

I haven't been on this board for awhile....my most recent post was on another board talking about my marriage, trying to make things work with my ex-DH.

But here I am, and no matter how much I try to deny it, I've never stopped loving ex-MM.  Since the A ended, we've had LC b/c we work together.  I've been doing MC w/ex-DH as well.  (That's a whole other issue.)  I thought I was dealing well with everything, but ex-MM dropped the news that he's quitting our office at the end of next week.  Since then, I have felt gutted.  I can't seem to breathe and all these crazy thoughts are flooding my mind.  I just keep thinking that not only did he choose W, but now he's choosing to completely erase me from his life.

I know deep down that this is actually a blessing for me.  I know that having NC is the only way I will ever completely move past him....BUT it's hurting so much and I've been walking around with this sickness in my gut that I just can't shake.  Ex-MM has been a constant in my life for 4 years....maybe this A has defined me in a way, but he also was a mentor at work, and I'm losing that as well.

I'm not angry that he's leaving, as it's really the best decision for his professional career.  I'm just sad and trying to figure out HOW I will get through next week.

Right now, I'm pretending that he already left....so I avoided him completely yesterday and I want to try and work from home next week...but it's not always possible, as things cause me to go into the office from time to time.  For instance, I have 2 meetings next week that will require I go in on Thursday and Friday.  Friday will be his last day and I can't look at him without wanting to burst into tears!  All of those years, all of it....and he gave up on us!  This is what I keep thinking!  It feels like a death to me.

Again, I KNOW it's the best for me too, and I believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  But how do I get through the tunnel without going insane???

Any advice please!

I think you should get all your crying out and mourn the loss.  There is something very healthy about that, and it also shows your subconscious that you are accepting reality and this will begin the process of you moving on. 

When he leaves you will have no choice but to get on with your life and we as humans have a remarkable ability to carry on.  I know you are dreading his permanent absence but it really is a good thing.  Stop looking at it as "he chose her over me" and start telling yourself, "this will be a new beginning for me".   Also bear in mind that it is never healthy to be this hung up on a person no matter who they are.  So regardless of the fact that the relationship is 'forbidden', your reliance on it isn't working out for you. 

I know it's hard, but quit putting a negative spin on the circumstances.  That is how you will get through this.

Comments and Graphics

>Also bear in mind that it is never healthy to be this hung up on a person no matter who they are<

Hey Vic :) 

Your sentiment is right on and I've thought about this alot.  There's something out of whack when we can make one person...another human being...just a man...our everything to the exclusion of everything else and everyone else in our world.  We make this one human responsible for how we feel.  No one person can be our everything, and it's not fair to make them so.  We certainly can't live up to that and who would want to anyway.

Believe me, men don't make us their everything.  There are other priorities in life as well, and they take care of them.  They don't give up their friends, don't stop living their lives, don't sit by the phone, don't analyze everything TO DEATH...they take care of business too.  I don't even consider that compartmentalizing...I consider it good sense.

Time for everyone to face their addiction head on, grit their teeth, get through the withdrawals with support and medication if necessary...just let go and get on with life.  There was a life before JAM, right?  lol

Good to see ya :)

Clarity

I have to laugh...I read somewhere (can't remember) but it goes something like this:

Women want one man to take care of their every need.  Men want every woman to take care of their one need. 

It makes me giggle because it's kinda the truth.

Hi Mickey,
I can imagine how you must feel, since I am in an LC situation myself.

But the one thing that I notice, is that the things I dread so much, aren't all that bad after all.

My xAP is not going anywhere, he lives very nearby, but whenever the weekend would come, I would dread it so much... I would be sad that I would not see him for a few days. But then after a few hours into the weekend, I realized: it's not all that bad!
And at the end of the weekend I was regretting that I had to see him again.

Or: when he went on a vacation.
I dreaded the moment so much.. I thought I would cry the whole vacation, but I did not. I felt relieved! I felt free for the first times in many months, and again, when he was about to come home, I wished he would have stayed on a vacation forever.

This doesn't mean that you should stop feeling so sad right now. I know you feel sad, and I would probably feel just as sad and upset, but try to keep in mind that this IS a good thing for you... You don't see it right now ( I can imagine!) but in a little while you will see that this truly is the best.

When you don't have to be in LC with him anymore, but NC, you will get the chance to heal... and I think it's a much better healing than while being in LC. I am still hoping that my xAP will move too. Far far away.

I can understand how you're feeling, so here's a big big hug for you,
we're here for you to comfort you. You will get through this. You will.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Htgo

Hi Mickey, I feel those words - I have no one to talk to.........

I feel like I'm close to what you are dealing with, except my xAP isn't leaving the office next Friday, as much as I wish he was.  We've been involved 4 years, but since he's left his wife a few weeks ago, seems like he's left me too.  I say seems, because he obviously isn't man enough to level with me.  But there are too many signs to ignore, and now, like you, I feel totally gutted.  I have visited this board just to read posts before, and this morning, knowing I can't talk to anyone about my pain, thought maybe I'd post here.  And when I read your post, it made me realize I'm not alone - and you aren't either.  Let's just take a day at a time, and maybe together we can gather strength to face this excruciating pain.

Good luck to you - I will be thinking about you as you go through this coming week.

D