Hello there, I am writing because I could use some encouragement and support to face my new life without any AP. I have been involved with this MM for 4 years, and you all know the excitement and emotions, the ups and downs that comes with this, especially since I'm a MW. Well, this MM is someone I have to work with, and he's no longer a MM, but it also seems he's taken to the role of xAP. I've "loved" him though a lot of crap, accepted a lot of bull that my gut told me I shouldn't accept as the truth, been patient when he asked me to be. He was loving to me most times, understood my feelings before I did, compassionate when I needed him to be, and very attentive (something I thought I was missing out in my marriage). All those things a gal loves to hear and feel. I didn't mean to fall in love with anyone outside my marriage, it just happened.
He hasn't been man enough to level with me how he feels now about me, but there are the obvious signs that my instinct screams at me that it's over. If I was of any significance to him, he'd talk to me or email me, whatever, even if it was to say he's going through a rough spot during his divorce, and not to worry, he'd talk about things soon to me. But there was nothing like that, just little acts of flirtations with another person in the office, quiet little comments they are sharing, being off on the same days..............But what the heck, he's single, she's single, and maybe they deserve each other. I think they are both liers and losers. But then, I'm a loser too, for having this stupid affair.
Still, I'd like to have been told he's no longer in love with me! For this and other reasons, I want to get over him. I don't know why I thought he was that special. I have a good marriage, not well to do, but doing well as both dh and I work, kids are grown and gone and we get along pretty well. Even our intimate life has been spiced up lately!! Dh is a good man, respected and is there when I need him. I can't ask for too much more than that, now, can I? And he's mighty good looking too, always well kept, not like xAP, coming to work somedays looking like he's been through a war, dirty hair not combed - things like that. What on earth did I ever find attractive in him? There were times he cleaned up really good, so maybe I just saw only those days.
Sorry if I ramble here - but am trying to outline things so if anyone can understand this, they might offer some encouragement so I can accept this as over, and be damned glad. Like focus on the positives of having him out of my heart. I guess the hard part is watching what is probably going on before my eyes at the office. If this is true, that he's making time with this other girl, then I hope I can be furious enough to let him go. I just can't understand why he wouldn't tell me what is going on. Almost seems like he's avoiding any chances for me to talk to him, and we can't really phone each other. He doesn't answer my emails anymore, always has an excuse for that. When I finally find a chance to question him about things, he'll say he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but how stupid can that be, to carry on in front of me with someone else? Help me please be angry enough with him that my love will diminish, and my heart stops breaking. I am so alone in all this.
I feel for you, I know what your going through is very difficult an emotional roller coaster. You got to be strong.
I truly think he is starting a fresh with someone else and is going through the new feelings again.... him not talking to you is him keeping you on stand by incase that realtionship does not work or maybe she won't be availble one day. It only makes sence to me.... He does not want to have to explain to you anything the best way to do it is to avoid you.
I think you should send him an email asking to have no futher contact with you ever.
You seem like your in a great marriage work on it, if anything this man has shown you to be stronger not weaker... Don't wait around for him. He is bad news.
I think his flirtations infront of you are his way of showing you it is over...vs...have to say the actual words. Men would rather face a mongrel horde than face a women to tell her it is over and deal with the fallout. That's how they are.
To be honest with you, too, we just can't expect stand-up behavior from people who don't act in stand-up fashion.
Where was this affair going to go for you anyway? Nowhereville really. Sounds like you got a good man and a good life. I say this to everyone, so it's not directed at you in particularly...what's important now is to figure out why you would jeopardize your situation. The answers to that question are important, of course...I'm sure you know that. Find out what you feel was missing and strive towards gaining that in healthier endeavors. I'm sure it was a combination of feel-goods...feeling sexy and desirable with attention payed you...pretty heady feelings. But if you work at self-confidence and self-assuredness, you don't need anyone to tell you this...you'll just know.
For today, be grateful you never had a discovery day visited upon you. You can't even begin to imagine the fallout until you are faced with it. One never knows how a betrayed spouse will react...could even be dangerous to your health. And really, could you bear to see the look on your betrayed husband's face when he learned of your betrayal. Take a moment and think about that...really think about...envision it in your mind. Your whole life, as you know, would be turned topsy turvy, and you would lose total control. And to keep you on track, know that a discovery day can come any time...even after an affair has ended.
So, accept that it is over and be damn glad :)
((hugs))
Clarity
"Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life." John F. Kennedy
One thing that you wrote, made me laugh: "(...) .... xAP, coming to work somedays looking like he's been through a war, dirty hair not combed - things like that... "
Did you already make a list of all the things he did that you did not like? It helps to see things for what they really are. I have several lists, sometimes I write down all the things he hurt me with... or all the things I did not really like about him...
Lists can be helpful to REMIND you of things.
(now, don't make a list "what I like about my xAP", okay? ;-))
I am so grateful for your understanding here. This is a wonderful place to come where people like yourself can know how I am feeling. If he is thinking of keeping me on standby, he's definitely got the wrong gal.
I am going to repeat your phrase "he's bad news", over and over until my heart and soul knows this is true. Maybe it's a start - my mind know it.
Love 
