Relationships in Our 20s

I dated a great military man for 3 years, the last 6 months of the relationship he was overseas. I'm sure he was under tons of stress, but I can't help but feel him pulling away from me emotionally as the months went on during his tour. I tried to be there for him as much as I could: talking to him everyday, sending him packages, letters and being very supportive. We started fighting near the end about our plans to live together when he returns home. I didn't want to move in as soon as he came home because of his behaviour changes, he felt we were ready to take the next step right away.

I feel that because I wasn't committing to an apartment with him, he started letting another woman flirt with him. She lives in my town and I was getting very upset over it, and ultimately she also became part of the reason for our fights. His refusal to completely get rid of her because they work together upset me, she started sending him packages as well.

Anyways, we broke up the last month he was overseas and didn't talk to each other for his remaining tour. When he returned home, I called him and talked to him about giving it another try. So we started dating again and I felt like he was changed, not the man I knew before. I didn't feel like his heart was in it, he moved into an apartment without me and had changed his mind about me moving in with him. He didn't seem to be romantic with me anymore and he started gambling and drinking heavy. I broke up with him a month later and said it was final. He suffers from PTSD and he still wanted me to be friends with him. He kept calling me, emailing me. He was saying strange things like he "should have died fighting for his country overseas" or he "always wants me to be in his life". In terms of our relationship he tells me "I know we shouldn't get back together I just miss being close with you and being intimate" or "I know we're friends but I think of you often". This really hurt me, and my friends told me the break up was too messy to even remain in contact.

So I started blocking him from social networking sites and emails. He would call me from different phone numbers, and I tried for a while to block every single one. I texted him and told him that I was changing my number, that I can't do this anymore. He got really angry, saying that I'm abandoning him and "Have a nice Effing life". I changed my number anyway and I haven't heard from him up until 2 weeks ago. It's been 2 months since I talked to him last and he is still emailing one of my old email accounts, asking me if I'm okay, saying he's sorry for how he's acted and acknowledging in his email he was at fault for our break up. I don't get it. Does he still love me? Is he feeling regrets and wants to make it work? I'm so confused because I want to be with him, but I'm wondering if this will hurt me in the end. I don't know what his intentions are or if I should leave it in the past. I also want to add that I don't know if his PTSD has gotten worse...

I think your ex's time overseas has left him with a heavy emotional burden. From what you've posted, I don't think he's really ready to be in a relationship with anyone and personally, I would stay away. He definitely should be getting treatment for his PTSD and needs to get back on his feet emotionally before he dates at all.

If I were in your situation I would encourage him to get the help he needs either by telling him myself or by asking other people close to him to push him to get help. I think your ex probably does have feelings for you, but whether or not they're strong enough for a relationship I don't know. I think that he is probably confused himself as to what he wants and needs at this point and is not a good person to be involved with.

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Personally, if your ex isn't willing or interested in getting help, then I see no other choice for you but to move on. You said being friends with him is too difficult for you, and I know I'd feel the same way. The guy you dated before is not the guy that stands before you today. Today he needs to get help for his PTSD and other issues and isn't in the right place emotionally to be in a relationship.

I understand your analogy with the burnt down house, but I don't think it's 100% accurate. A house is an inanimate object that you can rebuild; a house has no emotions or opinions. A person, on the other hand, cannot be "rebuilt" unless they want to be. It doesn't sound like your ex wants to work on what he's going through and you simply cannot make him want to get help if he doesn't want it. It has to be his decision.

If you think your ex is in any real danger of hurting himself, then I would write to his mom or someone else close to him. If he isn't really in harms way, then I'd just let it go and move on with your life, even though I know that will be difficult.

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