Guy Talk

I have been browsing the internet looking for tips on the exact same problem you have with the exception that my wife "admits" she seldom (in reality next to never) initiates but claims she "doesn't mind" me being the initiator and that she usually enjoys sex after I have "warmed her up" through spending hrs of foreplay. (Usually means me giving her a long massage) The handful times she actually does initiate she seems to think all she needs to do is take her clothes of. No real effort to give me som foreplay or massaging. I can count on one hand the amount of massages she's given me during our marrige. During our 18 year marrige she has never had to fake an orgasm as I make it a point to wait for her e.t.c. + allow as much foreplay as necessary for her to climax.

However, one can't help but to remeber the "good ol' days" when the desire no doubt was mutual. When we couln't keep our hands off of each other and often engaged in heavy petting in the most public places e.t.c.  I am fully aware we can't turn back time and 18 years of marrige takes its tole.  But I am at the end of my road now, sexually starved, frustraded and feeling rejected.

Many women seem to think (including my wife) that it's just som psysical thing. That we need to ejaculate now and then and everything is fine. If that was the case I suppose I could "help myself" and all would be fine.  However, in some ways men and women arent so different after all. I need the intimacy and closeness to my wife that sex gives.  It's almost "a spititual" thing I can't be without but she seems to be able to...

I am not "asking" for sex several times a day (I know people like that). Hell, I am not even shooting for every other day but could probably be semi-satisfied with once a week.  However, unless I "insist" there is months between our intimicy and it's driving me absolutely nuts.

For the first time in my marrige I have started thinking about separating or even finding a women "on the side" that actually has a sexdrive of her own.  But I love my wife, my family and my life in general and I never get further than thinking about it.

samoh: Your posting is a couple of years old.  Are you still following this thread?

I am really curious if things have gotten better? Have you found a solution? Are you still together?

/Daniel

Try here, Mismatched Libidos - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing

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Have you asked for the massage or foreplay when she "initiates" by taking her clothes off? Do you get brushed off when you ask?

Have you said "I am at the end of my road now, sexually starved, frustrated and feeling rejected, I need the intimacy and closeness to my wife that sex gives."

If she won't acknowledge you're hurt by this, could you go so far as to voice what direction this is driving your thoughts in?

As in: "For the first time in my marriage I have started thinking about separating or even finding a women "on the side" that actually has a sex drive of her own."

Would scheduled sex be a turn off? Saturday night? Sunday morning? If it were a regular event, maybe she could agree to keep better track of it. Not let it go months. If she enjoys it once it gets going, but can't be bothered to think of it on her own, a regular event seems like it could help.

There is no magic solution. All you can hope for is to find a compromise, mutually agreed upon. Is she open to suggestions? Does she understand the gravity of the situation for you?

Good luck!

Have you said "I am at the end of my road now, sexually starved, frustrated and feeling rejected, I need the intimacy and closeness to my wife that sex gives."

If she won't acknowledge you're hurt by this, could you go so far as to voice what direction this is driving your thoughts in? "

Daniel (initiator): Thanks for caring.

If I ask/remind her, she´ll give me a massage but I am so emotionally sore right now that it's hard to enjoy a massage I have to ask for.  Same thing with touching and caressing "other areas".  She'll do pretty much anything I ask her "nicely" to do but it kills me I must ask when she seldom does.

It is also really beginning to bother me that she indirectly makes me "work for sex". Even though we might have great and satisfying sex after I massage her, I am feeling like my massage is becoming a prepayment for sex. Sometimes I believe this actually bothers her too. If I wasn't so starved for intimacy I would try more massage and less sex but after an hour of massaging her it's a challenge to not get intimate.

I talk to her on a regular basis (not all the time, maybe once or twice a year to not tire her with my feelings) about my frustration and, yes I have told her about my feelings but not my big temptation of looking for an affair.  Why? I don't want her to make love to me for the wrong reasons.  I wish she would start initiating sex for the same reason I do and not out of fear of loosing me...

tulips-together: Would scheduled sex be a turn off? Saturday night? Sunday morning? If it were a regular event, maybe she could agree to keep better track of it. Not let it go months. If she enjoys it once it gets going, but can't be bothered to think of it on her own, a regular event seems like it could help.

Daniel (initiator): I have both thought about it and joked about it with her. I just wish it wouldnt come to that but I am willing to try and think she might be.  I am not sure if I'd feel any less rejected or wanted scheduling sex.  It would probably be a quick fix but not take care of the root of the problem; I no longer feel that she is attracted to me, the way I am attracted to her.

Thanks for the tip and the link.  I will consider turning scheduled sex into reality instead of just joking about it.  It's a humiliating thought, but as you understand I am desperate...

If you don't mind me asking - have you tried this successfully with your partner or is it something you don't need?

Greetings from Sweden / Daniel

If you don't mind me asking - have you tried this successfully with your partner or is it something you don't need? <<<

We have different days of the week off, so usually swap who's day off it lands on. The "schedule" doesn't bother me, because it's something I can look forward to, prepare for.

Spontaneous just isn't working, so time to try something else.

When dating, people usually go out on Fridays or Saturdays & then, probably have sex after. So how is that any less scheduled. Actually, being in the same house & around each other all the time, can remove the spark for spontaneous sex to happen. There's never a chance to miss the other, like when dating.

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I don't want her to make love to me for the wrong reasons. I wish she would start initiating sex for the same reason I do and not out of fear of loosing me... <<<

(I only meant to mention the affair thoughts if she's ignoring you totally. No need to bring it up, if it will make things worse & she'll get suspicious of you!)

Otherwise ... No reason is the wrong reason, if it's done from a place of caring. She cares for you & your needs, so she'll have sex for you. You do things because you care for the family, even if you don't want to?

It's probably that she doesn't feel love the way you do from sex. She gets her love feelings in another manner. Maybe the massages are enough, or the things you do for the family, or gifts you buy, or the quality time together.

Look for the book, The 5 Love Languages. If you Google it, there are some short tests online also.

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Even though we might have great and satisfying sex after I massage her, I am feeling like my massage is becoming a prepayment for sex. Sometimes I believe this actually bothers her too. <<<

Bring it up. No guessing, no believing what she might think. Talking about what you both want will lead to more intimacy. Maybe you can trade massage for BJ. Or oral for everyone. Switch it up.

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I talk to her on a regular basis (not all the time, maybe once or twice a year to not tire her with my feelings) <<<

But since nothing is getting resolved ... all the bottling up is just hurting you. Making a vicious cycle. You're hurt, you need sex, you don't get it you get more hurt, want sex more, don't get it .... How should your feelings be minimized as an equal partner in the relationship? A plan of action needs to be decided on, or you'll keep resenting.

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And greetings To Sweden as well. How exciting. A beautiful country you have!

"Spontaneous just isn't working, so time to try something else."

I suppose I need to quit trying to get back to "the good ol days" and open my eyes at where we are at now, two kids later and running a business together, e.t.c.

I will be suggesting the "Rosanne method" to my wife regardless of how I feel about it. :-)

I will also order "The 5 Love Languages". I like the fact that its written by a christian author...

Until we fins something that works I'll simply have to look at my wife as a beautiful car with no starter. Maybe get used to "push starting" her as she "runs fine" when the engine is running  . . .

Thanks for taking the time + caring.

/Daniel

P.s. I am still extremely curious in the original person that posted this thread, how things are today.  Maybe his absence is a good sign? :-)