Guy Talk

Happy Halloween everyone!

So I have been dating this guy "George" for a number of months now.   He has three young children.  Wonderful, sweet, charming children.  He is a great dad and his ex is a great mom.  We progressed into friendship and beyond.   But then a couple of weeks ago we hit a snag when George said he wasn't sure that we were a good fit.  I am thoroughly intrigued with his personality but he is a very complicated guy, and I was really saddened that he didn't think it would work between us.   We agreed to stay friends and he agreed to stand by his acceptance and go with me to this company event yesterday evening.   We continued to correspond as friends.

Meanwhile a friend of mine blind-dated me with this guy "John."   When I first met John last weekend I thought "Eh."  But then we went on a date on Tuesday.  He took me to the best restaurant in town, was the consumate gentleman in taking my coat and opening doors.  And we hit it off really well.  He is just as charming as he could be.  And I was responding to him.  By the end I was oozing all sorts of pheromones and he was doing a lot of touching and it could have, but it did not (I'm learning!) escalated into much more.  He asked me out for brunch on Sunday.  I am really intrigued with John so far; he just feels right. 

But meanwhile again, last night I went with George to this company event.  We did well, circulating about.  I had a few glasses of wine.  He did not.

At about 11:00 we left and George drove him home.  We had a long in depth talk on the way back to his house.  When I pulled into his driveway, he invited me in, and I went.  Once inside we continued to talk and then, out of the blue, he told me that he loved me.   We then made love, but it was tentative because I couldn't tell him that I loved him  back.  He is smart and kind and loving and honest and he is truly wonderful man.   But I don't know if I love him.

And also, I remain interested in dating John. 

I am really torn.  I don't know if I know John well enough to make any choices.  I don't know what to do with George.   How does he go from saying that we're not a good fit to declaring his love for me in a couple of weeks?   Does the fact that I was so quickly attracted to someone else mean that George was right the first time, we're not a good fit?   I have a friend who is telling me that if you are in love you don't have to weigh choices.  But I think she's being too simplistic.

Advice?  Thanks!      

I think the ball is in your court at this point in time.  You've been involved with George for "a number of months".  You say he has sweet children, he's a great Dad, ex is a great mother, and you're "intrigued with his personality"?  NOWHERE do you mention having any real feelings for George.  You were "sad" to think it wouldn't work out between you.  Not a very strong emotion over a breakup!

Now you have a blind date with John.........and why not, you and George have decided to be just friends now.  The first date you weren't impressed, but the second date you were, and you want to get to know John better.

Now you go on a pre-arranged outing with George, and wind up in bed with him.  That's fine........you're Friends With Benefits now.  You took him at his word, he felt you weren't a "good fit".......so you moved on.  By any chance did you tell him about dating John?  I hope not......because that would just be a ploy to make him jealous......and if you did, it worked, because now he "loves" you.  If you didn't, then DON'T.......and you need to tell George that since he feels you're not a good fit.......you will be dating others.  NO DETAILS.......just that you will be dating.  And that if you decide to become sexually active with someone else, there will be no more FWB's.

You can't have it both ways........and it really didn't sound like you were that heartbroken over George wanting to end it.  Why he had a change of heart, only he knows, and if you're interested, then ask him why. 

Sometimes its only when we face losing someone that we realize how much we needed them.  This may be the case with George.  Maybe he thought you were not a good fit, but after being without you for a couple of weeks did he realize how much he loved you.  We guys are frequently slow to recognize our feelings.

I also agree with your friend that if you are in love you do not need to analyze it.  When I started dating my ex, I was in love for the first and only time in my life almost immediately.  I did not need to think about it at all.  There was this unmistakeable feeling and we were married for many years. 

I would continue to date both men non-exclusively, but without continuing to sleep with George.  I'd let him know that it felt right to do so in the moment last night but his changing his mind about the two of you not being a good fit has taken you aback a bit and so you need to think about it and see how things go with the two of you before committing to dating him exclusively.

I think you're right to be skeptical of George's about-face but be open to the possibility that he decided that something he thought was a dealbreaker really isn't. 

I don't think the fact that you were attracted to someone new, especially given that you thought you and George were over, means much of anything.

Sheri

I'd give the new guy John a fair chance, I'd stay friends with George but that's about it.

Even though George told you he loves you, but he didnt exactly say he wants to BE WITH YOU. If that's what he really wanted, he would've told you that and say  let's work it out. He's probably confused and obviously attracted to you, but I just have a feeling that if you return to invest your emotions in him, he'll go back and forth like a yo yo and cause more confusion for you in the long run, and end up missing out on the great non-complicated guys like John, who could've been your potential love.

Just my humble opinion.