Life After Betrayal

I posted this orginally on another board, but it was suggested that I post here as well. Here it is (I would love any feedback):

it happened last week. I never intended to cheat, I still do not know why I did. This may sound naive now, but I feel it will never happen again. It was a mistake, and I love my wife dearly. The person I cheated with is a friend and married as well. She seems at ease and will happilly move one. We have agreed not to have another romantic encounter.

I guess what I am wondering is should I tell my wife? Would you want to know?

A large part of me says no, I do not want to hurt her, it is my mistake and my guilt to live with. I was a good husband and father before - I can continue to be now (maybe better). I owe them that. I am convinced that my AP will not say anything.

Another part of me says yes - she deserves the honesty, even if it tears us apart. I beleive that it ultimately will (there is a history in her family of this) and it is likely to be inforgivable in her eyes. Then of course there are our children. I should have thought more of them last week.

Sorry for the sad post, but I am confused. I love her and our life together, I am just trying to figure out the right thing at this point.

Wanderer, I am so sorry for the pain you in.. I can tell by your post it is eating you up inside. But here is the thing.. You can tell your W what you did and maybe relieve some of you guilt.. However, the fallout of doing so is going to cause her a great deal of pain. She will live with your betrayal and the triggers this will cause her for the rest of her life. She may forgive you she may not and that is a risk you will be taking by telling her..

My concern is if you don't tell her you may not do the work needed to insure this will never happen again.. However, once you tell her the ball will be in her court and you could find yourself D and your family split apart for something you ended knowing it was wrong and plan on never doing again..

As a BS I wanted to know I hated that I was lied to. I hated what he did to me and I no longer trust in him the way I once did. I do not look at him as the same man he once was to me.. There is a small part of me that wishes his A was a one night stand and I was never told.. Because it kills me to look at the man I love more then life itself and know he is capable of such a horrible thing. That I did not matter enough for him to keep his pants up.. Our sex life has changed.. Everything in our life has changed in many many ways.. It has taken us 4yrs to come to a point where I am at least comfortable with the fact that I want to truly rebuild my M.. Up until about a year ago I can honestly say I had one foot out the door. Because I was not sure I could live with the pain of his betrayal and the chance he could do it again..

There is no easy answer.. It really is up to you to look deep inside yourself and decide if you can be 100% sure this will never happen again. That you will cut all contact with this OW out of your life forever.. If you feel you can do this on your own. Spear your W the pain and live with your guilt.. If you can't then tell her and let her have a voice and make a choice if she is willing to take the risk of staying M to you..

I wish you all the best I truly do.. I can feel your pain in your post and know you want to make things right.. Do some more soul searching before you decide.. Please keep us posted and know we are here if either of you needs us.

Irene

 

The answer is not so simple.  One part of me says "no, dont tell her - live with the guilt because what you want to do (guilt dumping) is selfish".

The other part of me says - there is no such thing as a simple one night stand.  The reason I say that is because you do need to address the reasons for the affair - selfishness, lust, convenience, revenge. For a person to risk losing his family....he is either immature, not able to be monogamous, or sociopathic.   If you dont address the reasons you'll still want to do it again.  So if you are dissatisfied with your marriage...why not fix it?  Why have the affair?  Because it was easier?  Then maybe you shouldnt be married because marriage requires maturity and effort to stay healthy and happy.

You say you love her, and you may to some extent, but a part of me says you dont  respect her or the marriage.  

You cheated with a friend - are you still going to socialize with her?  I bet you are...thus the affair *continues* - even if only in your mind.

I've been told I'm a bit unusual, but I was never bothered by the sex they shared as much as I was the lies they used to keep it all hidden away from me.  I hated, hated, hated -- HATED -- being lied to like that!  I can't work through lies.  They stymie me, keep me stagnant; they don't allow me to choose different, to move, to decide.

A lie, imo, is designed to protect the liar.  Give me the truth, mind you, and I just might choose a course you don't want me to make.  But I believe I have every right to make my own choice, to decide for myself, to know what my life is all about and what I need to be doing to make it right, better, happier.  Lie to me, and I'm stuck in the ugly illusion you're trying to keep me bubble-wrapped in so that I can't move.  I hate that!

I felt liberated when I finally knew the truth.  I felt like a light was suddenly thrown into the darkness that had been my days.  I'd felt too long like I'd been shoved into a dark, ugly place rife with danger I couldn't discern, while the one's who put me there laughed against my fumblings through the blackness.  No, don't lie to me.  His betrayal was bad enough, the lies that hid it from me were what almost did me in.

Blade -

I know we come at this situation from two different perspectives - but I just wanted to say - your way with words is always impressive to me - and in alot of ways - you have made me see things from a different viewpoint that I appreciate.

I'm so glad that you are posting here - I learn alot from you.  And, by the way - I agree with your description of lies - I hate them - and I never would tell them - when my BFs BS called me and asked me questions - I answered honestly - I guess I don't subscribe to the deny, deny, deny theory.  Maybe I would have felt differently if I were M as well - but I wasn't, so the situation doesn't apply.  I understand why some people would feel it best not to hurt this particular BS that the OP asked about - but in the end - I believe that the truth really does set you free.  As you said - allow everyone to make their own choices - whatever those choices may be.

Would it have been best for me to walk away - or for our R to have started at a different time in our lives - ie, when he was actually out of the M - of course.  But that isn't what happened - but I never felt that lying was going to fix things - and he knew that too.  He never even dared ask me to lie - because he knew I couldn't do it.  I guess there were some lies of omission to my own family - and I have to live with that and come to terms with it on my own.  I have apologized to all of them - and they have forgiven me - love is an amazing healer - as you have discovered in your own situation.

Thank you again for your input on these threads - sorry for the slight hijack to the OP - hope these different viewpoints help you make your decision.

Hugs -