I know you posted back in March but I just revisted this thread and saw your note. I'm glad I could make you smile about the SATC v. hunter comp. LOL
Am on here tonight b/c I had the thought that one of them might come looking for ME on FB. I mean if I can go looking for them it could certainly happen the other way around eh? So I adjusted my privacy settings and blocked the XH and OW's names from being able to see my name in search results. I really don't do much with FB these days as I feel like sometimes peopel put TMI. And I've become more private about my life.
Sometimes I get a weird competitive feeling about my XH. Like is he doing better than me right now? Is he more successful? And having thoughts like those are all things that keep people from progressing and being successful! LOL If you spend time thinking about the XH it's time wasted right?
As you saw from my long story I still to this day do not know for sure what went on with my XH and the woman he married 1 year and 3 months after our divorce was final. They worked together although I never met her/knew her. So I am 99.9% sure something was going on with those 2 during the marriage.
I'd love to hear more about your situation as I feel there are so many ways divorces can shake out that finding someone with a very similar story is comforting.
My big question (which I will probably post as a seperate posting) is IF the XH cheats on you, leaves, you get divorced, & he marries the OW how likely is it that HE will get cheated on by her.? AND Are the chances of the second marriage succeeding with a cheater(s) really low? I was a Psych major in college so I'm always asking myself these sorts of questions! LOL
Hey coastalgrl - Funny you should respond today... as tomorrow (would be) my wedding anniversary. Strange how when those dates come up even years later, it brings up some of those unhappy thoughts.
And I was just doing the very same thing as you recently, revising my public profile. My job is one that requires a lot of networking and being public, so I do wonder if he or she ever takes a peek at what I'm up to. I also have those competitive feelings as you mentioned... wondering if I'm doing better/worse than my XH. So of course, whatever is online, I try to make sure it's good ;)
A few months ago, when I was still really hurting, I posted all kinds of pics, etc., showing how much fun I was having and how great life was... just in case. They probably never looked, but it made me feel better to know that if they did, I know what they would find. Then I got to thinking, I didn't want all that info online, and made a lot of it private... so they could wonder what I was up to :) But also, I wanted to be more private.
As far as what will happen with them in the future, I guess I will always wonder. I visited a friend of mine who just had a baby, and I wondered what it would be like when/if I find out they have children. I remember everyone telling me not to worry that one or the other will cheat in that relationship (once a cheat, always a cheat), but I don't know... I'm not going to bet on it one way or the other. I think he's the kind of person that couldn't handle having two "failed" relationships, so my guess is he'll stick that one out for better or worse to maintain what's left of his dignity (not much... ha!)
I did surprise myself recently by realizing, I didn't really care what they were up to. I couldn't believe it! The thoughts come back every now and then, but I've refocused my life and am happier than I ever would have been with my XH... so as angry as I was at them, I'm now thankful, which is a great place to be.
Your XH sounds so much like my XH! That is weird! I think my XH would like yours stay married just b/c he wouldn't want to have egg on his face.
If/when you hear about your XH having a kid with this woman it will hurt. I never thought my XH would get married again and certainly not before me, thought he would be a bachelor for a good number of years then get married (had the thought that he would marry some 25 yr old J.Crew type lol) in his early 40s or something (we were 27 when we seperated) then WHAMO! a year later he gets married to someone 8 yrs older than me. I remember my mom saying "oh they'll never have kids!" b/c this woman was 40 and he was 32 (when I found they had been married for several years). And maybe she was just trying to make me feel better. She's old school and probably doesn't think about the medical techniques these days for women wanting children later in life ;-) Anyways then came the baby news and I just couldn't stomach it. I was literally reeling and in a fog for a good day and half. Then I thought "Would I have really wanted to have kids with him!?" Live in the woods and raise kids a la country lifestyle!? HELL NO! So just remember that when and if you get news of a baby. Their baby will be out on the ice with them fishing as soon as it can walk! LOL My XH's new wife posted a pic of the baby in CAMO pants when it was like a year old and said something about him "going in to the woods with daddy while mommy bake"s or something retarded! LOL
I've given up snooping b/c I don't seem that interested anymore (all of the big things I wondered about have been found out). I know they have a blog about their family (I think I mentioned this on the orginal thread), excuse me, SHE has a blog about their family. he doesn't seem to do any posting lol. And that is where I found out all kinds of info about them. It's how I found out they had a baby and a mention of their anniversary gave away the month and year of that. Which to my surprise was the same month he and I had gotten married. All of the things I found out about them; that they were married, that she used to work at his work, that they had a baby, etc. all came from online snooping which just proves that less is more on the internet especially if you are trying to maintain your privacy.
All of this brings me to what happened last night when I went to block her. IN THEORY I don't know her name, don't know he's remarried, don't know they have a baby, don't know her age. We don't have any common friends, I never hear anything through any grapevines, I've never seen him since the D, never run into them, etc. IN REALITY I found out her name, marriage info, baby info, work info all via the internet. Of course she knows all about me I'm sure! That's one thing that sort of pisses me off. It's lopsided and maybe that's why I went looking in the first place who knows...to even things out. Also by googling her name found out she was abandoned as a baby by her mother and left somewhere outside (random and sad I know although I don't get too sad over it since it's the OW!) So back to FB...In the FB privacy settings I searched for her name and she came up so I blocked her. I also blocked several listings of my husband's name b/c the profiles didn't have pics and I wasn't sure which one might be him. But here's the interesting part: I searched for her in FB BEFORE I went to privacy to block her and I couldn't find her. She didn't come up! However when I google her, a listing for her FB profile shows up in Google. Does this mean she blocked me first!!!??? LOL
Sometimes the competitive thing with the XH is the driving force for me. Whether at the gym or right now I'm trying to start a biz since being laid off a year ago. It's not the sole driving force but it makes me want to be MORE successful just so when the day comes that I run into them... :-)
I still have some ridsidual anger b/c I think there is a part that just never goes away. You can forgive, blah, blah, blah but you never really forget. You never forget the pain.
It's so good to talk to you! You are fabulous remember that!
That's great advice about the baby... it's something you think you won't care about, but it will be hard. Knowing that their baby (like your XH's) will be fully suited in camo makes it much easier! ;)
I too started a new business and focused on getting healthy and although there are times I don't want my drive to be about proving anything, it does help to have that little bit of competitiveness to motivate you some days.
And again, you crack me up with the FB thing... I did the same! I was friends with the OW, so I KNOW she had a page, suddenly I couldn't find it when I tried to block her, so yes, she blocked me. But then, after she started getting to know my mutual friends I could suddenly see posts and comments she was making on my friend's pages... she even commented on something I wrote to a friend once! I couldn't take it. But in the end, it just shows her immaturity, and my friends were able to see what a... well, many words can be used... she is :) Then THEY blocked her! HA!
Thanks for the virtual support! Definitely makes it easier to hear a VERY similar story... and good luck with your business. After going through what any dv'd woman has been through, I know we can be successful and take on anything!
Sorry this will be long!!! OMG! I could've written this exact post (and I am 5 years out from the divorce), it was very unbelieveable reading it...the only difference in mine was that I confirmed that he was cheating, no if, ands, or buts about it...
Mine basically went down like this... same everything that you described, but in December of '03, we went to Hawaii to visit my aunt and uncle for Christmas. On the last day we were there, we had a very big fight about my really deciding that I didn't want kids ESPECIALLY b/c I knew in my heart of hearts that the only person's life who would change would be mine (and I truly hadn't ever decided within myself whether I wanted them at all).
Looking back, I know that is the time he basically "checked out" of the marriage. He was the type to constantly be out of the house doing things he liked (i.e. bowling, golfing, etc.). At that time he had joined an after work bowling league-which through my own detective work over successive months later, was where I believe he met her-although ironically, she was the girlfriend of someone else who bowled in that league. In February, I went skiing with my brother and his girlfriend and stayed at the house her family owned, my ex called multiple times that weekend to make sure I was "alright" b/c the weather wasn't so great, in hindsight, it was to make sure I wasn't going to be home anytime soon, b/c I'm sure he was with the OW. Even my brother commented how strange it was that my ex was calling "so often", but I shrugged it off. So, the following month (March), I had to go to a funeral for a work colleague's mom, I was gone the whole day, and when I returned, I asked him how his day was. He said he had gone to the mall and purchased a new cell phone. Now at that time we only had one (it was right before they started getting big). I asked him if he purchased a "family plan" with Verizon and he said no b/c AT and T gave him a better deal (again, I "knew" that wasn't right), but I wasn't yet seeing the "whole" picture.
It was around the beginning of April when he knew I was scheduled to go visit my college roommate in CA, that he springs on me how unhappy he is and that he thinks we should separate, however, get this, it wasn't him who was going anywhere it was me (according to him), I could easily go and live at my parents' house while we were "working it out". I was stunned and soooo embarrassed to have to tell my parents. I decided to go on my trip anyway, which again in hindsight was probably not the best idea, b/c by that time he had basically begun using my house for his affair, all the while with me at my parents' house right around the corner. But like you, I still couldn't believe this is what was really going on...So basically, he "agreed" to see me on only weeknights (uh hello, pretty clear why-now), but we would get together in MY house, have sex, and then he would make me go home (to my parents' house) b/c he didn't think it was a good idea for me to stay longer, yeah probably b/c she was coming over or he was going out to her. After one of these "meetings", he ran out to get us Chinese for dinner, it was then that I did a lot more snooping around my house and came across his "new" cell phone bill-of course, he was too lazy to hide it...I got her number from there and even though it was a cell, I tracked it down online-best 75.00 I ever spent.
At this point, I spoke with my parents at great length about what was going on and they agreed that this was probably what was going on. All the while mind you, he was trying to get me to sign a formal separation agreement, so that ultimately when he got caught I wouldn't be able to use the adultery against him. In addition, he was telling me that we had to "decide" what we were doing by July 4th. Now, in mind mind I thought that was ridiculous, b/c if you're going to work on a marriage, there is no arbitrary time line, but ofcourse she was probably pressuring him. My dad and I drove to "her" house and saw his car there, that was basically all that I needed, but it got worse, much worse...Shortly, after that, I got a call at my parents' house from her boyfriend. I wasn't home, but he had no qualms about telling my dad that his girlfriend was having an affair with my husband. Humiliation? But, apparently not enough...In June, I was again supposed to go away to visit a colleague who'd retired (with another colleague), she didn't know we had separated b/c I was so ashamed (like you, I thought this couldn't be happening and I took the marriage very seriously), she left a message on the home machine b/c she was sick and said she wasn't going. Well, don't you know he calls me about 11 times one morning to verify whether I was still going, b/c he had his own plans for my house that weekend. I told him I was, not to worry (and I played along with the charade). That weekend from Friday at about 1:00 pm on the only cars in the parking lot of my townhome were hers and his and my dad and brother drove by periodically to check). I just couldn't bring myself to "show up" although I could've, but to this day, I don't think I could've brought myself to witness it. On Monday, he tried to cancel his "date" with me and I confronted him (about her being in my bed and everything else), he tried to lie at first, but then started to scream about how "he" must've called me, he was referring to her boyfriend, but I never let on any of the chain of events or what I had found out on my own. I dragged my feet as long as I could b/c I couldn't stomach the idea that they would "ride off into the sunset" after what had happened, but it didn't take that long, only about a year afterward. During one time, when he came to the house to get the rest of his things w/his father...(I was alone w/o any family, but why did his dad have to come?), I knew he was engaged from someone else (yeah, we didn't even have a legal separation at that point, pathetic, or what?) I "congratulated" him on his engagement, and he just stood there and said thanks...Psycho or what????
Since then I have gotten involved with a guy whom I love very much, we've been together for 4 years. His divorce is another story...but, I have yet to remarry, some of it is b/c of my SOs situation, but some of it is due to the above post...
I will say that I am guilty of what you've done, about checking FB, I don't even have my own profile, I do it through my friend's. I, too, saw that they have a child and I didn't know how to feel about it. I know (in my heart of hearts I don't want children, but it was weird). My bigger issue, is using FB to look at my SOs ex's profile-to keep tabs (if he ever needs to use anything in court someday) another story for another time...however, I really thought about Serenity's post (and of course her advice is always right on target) when she said she does those things at certain times in relationships and right nowI guess I'm going through one of those "periods". Happily, I did make an appointment with a counselor, whom I will start seeing in about a week. I did go to counseling during the marriage and shortly thereafter, but I feel like I'm still having "lingering issues" of not being able to "forgive" myself for making the mistake of marrying my ex. Although, my SO is very big on the idea of what another poster said about if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't be together now....
Bottom line, you are not alone...I completely feel what you're saying! It helps tremendously to know there are others out there who know what you've been through!
Love 
