Ok, my spouses last affair was with her high school boyfriend. I was at a trade show and she met him at their 20 year HS reunion. She was still pretty, he was funny, and they did it that night. They totally fell for each other again. Three months or so after D Day my spouse just broke down in front of me and said that what she felt for him wasn't fair, we had kids and there was my feelings, but she wanted him back.
I called the dude and said, "If you want her, you better fight for her." I told him that it wasn't fair for me and the kids that she was still so messed up over him. He said he would not fight for her. I said that it's about freaking time he told her. He said he would so I had her call him and he told her that it would never work and that he was done with it. He chickened out on some of it but it did the trick.
My spouse told me just last week that she still feels very protective of him. That I'm smarter, a better talker and well, let's just face it, after I lost the 40 lbs. I'm just smoking hot. :) (Sorry, my narcism gets away from me sometimes.)
My souse said that she will always think of him and worry about him. But she's with me now.
Look, this is a shtt sandwich anyway we look at it and we all get a bite. Your husband is a human and he screwed up big time. But my guess is that the reason you are staying with him is because he's not actually "evil." My spouse wasn't evil, she just got lost. The other dude was lost, I was lost. We were all screwed up. But your fixing that now. It takes a long time. A really long time. But it's possible. It's possible to forgive folks who have done really awful things. It's even possible to forgive the AP. I'll never forget him just like my souse won't. You just have to accept that your husband will alway have feelings for that woman.
Sorry, there are no shortcuts here. But that doesn't mean you have to like it. That's on of the dirty tricks of a spouses affair. In order for us to heal, we have to own what they did for ourselves. It's not just their affair. It's now ours as well. Except we didn't get to have all the exciting feelings of having a new love, we just get to share in the pain of their break up. And he will look mystified when it hurts you that he's hurting over her. I've seen that look. And how awful it is to sit and wonder if those tears are for me or him.
You can do this sweetie. The more you listen to your spouse and all the crazy stuff he says, remember he's hurting also, don't take any of it personally. Ok
Thomas
5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008
What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.
Love 
